Brewhouse Band Guy

Around two months ago whilst on a night out with some of my best friends, we went to a bar where live bands play. It was a Friday night, I was already pretty merry and we were having as usual the time of our lives. We danced to the band and did our usual stuff, then I get approached by a guy in a hat who tells me his band is next. He asked if I’d meet him after for a drink. Well I didn’t because we were all on a bar crawl and to be honest I really fancied the drummer, this guy just wasn’t someone I was all that bothered about. I bump into other friends and we end up joining in with his stag do, it was a messy night and I forgot about the guys in the band.

Monday morning I get a text from one of the girls who was out, this guy from the band had seen our pictures on the Facebook page and had asked if she could introduce us. I felt rude saying no since he appeared to have gone to a fair bit of effort, so we become Facebook friends and message a bit. We like the same music, both have jobs in the IT sector, I’m thinking well I could at least get to know him. We text for about 2 weeks or so, I’m busy and just don’t have time to meet him.

We finally get around to our first date, and it’s pretty well thought out, he takes me to the Christmas beer stand and we have mulled wine and chat, it’s pretty nice, although, I’m just not feeling sparks. He’s also a bit short… we’ve been here before, slightly younger than me and has no hair. Turns out his IT job isn’t technical at all, he’s just another pen pusher who is all talk. I’m not totally shutting him down yet, but neither am I all that bothered.

The date ends with a good night kiss, and that’s it for me, I’m not bothered by seeing him again. He texts a fair bit for a week and we arrange another date, we go for Tapas after the gym. Again it’s a lovely date but I’m just not feeling anything, and I’m not really putting any vibes out either. It turns out he doesn’t yet have a place of his own, he shares with his grown up stepson. His BMW appears to be all for show, I’m starting to see through this overcompensating guy. He’s insecure. We talk about bed room likes and dislikes, he seems compatible with what I want. Then he tells me that he always waits till at least the fifth date. I know that he’s bullshitting but I play along. I tell him I always like to sample the goods, I need someone who can satisfy me or I’m not sticking around. And this is actually very honest, why in the world would I settle for anything less?

He drops me back at mine, I ask if he wants to come in. He jumps at the chance, so in he comes. I coyly promise I won’t bite and anyway it’s not the fifth date, so this is purely to see where I live. He’s not a fan of my dogs, one is nearly bigger than him. He constantly comments that my house is huge (it really isn’t, however it’s not a flat like his). We end up having sex, shock horror and I’ll be honest, he really isn’t all that. He goes home and I shower and go to bed. He’s a nope from me. This is why it’s important to know before I get myself all emotionally invested, otherwise that would have been one hell of a let down!

I don’t hear from him for a week, and that’s perfectly fine, I actually hate the awkward conversations, this is easier. Plus there’s already someone else on the scene… not even a Tinder guy, ‘Long Lost’ has suddenly appeared out of nowhere and I’m hooked…

I get a text, Saturday morning… hi I’m sorry I’ve not been in touch, I didn’t feel any connection with you, so good luck with life and things, but if you want to hook up again the let me know. Busted Mr Fifth Date bullshit! Obviously I block him and never respond. Leave him to stew in his own thoughts… This guy was just another one who’s inferior and knew it. He was all show. The fact that he paid for his share of the food with his company card and asked for a receipt so he could claim back the VAT said it all! Cheapskate! If you’re really as rolling in it as you make out you wouldn’t be living in a flat with your stepson… you wouldn’t be claiming back VAT on a date. The moral of the story, if you didn’t find him attractive when you were drunk… our standards always lower let’s face it, then he’s definitely never going to be for you when you’re sober!

Some guys like the thrill of the chase with someone out of their league, but once they think they’ve caught her realise they have no chance of keeping her… the guy I’m going to stick with won’t feel the need to impress me, he’ll just be himself. You can be a short arsed wanna be with a BMW all you like but it means nothing if you can’t live up to the facade you create…

Advertisements

A little bit of girl power

So we’ve talked about my new office nemesis… well not really nemesis… she’s got nothing on me… more an irritating fly hovering round my picnic! But today I saw the benefits of fellow like minded females working together, albeit from thousands of miles away! See, my organisation is part of a global one and we’re trying to get our UK ship in order, hence I got hired.

I was delighted today to have a conversation with a fellow Female Data Architect in the same organisation who works thousands of miles away on the other side of the equator but is equally as passionate about doing the job properly as I am and it was incredibly refreshing. I often work alone… like an assassin in the night tinkering away at designs and governance, doing my thing before it gets to the board and they hopefully say yes, then the real fun work begins of actually guiding the guys through making it. I’m normally the witch at the front of the battle march as I guide my general through the rocky terrain of data delivery, scoping out the unknowns with my mind so that when battle commences we return triumphant with something that works and we release it into prod.

The intuition is the mystery I own as they deal with the here and now and I forecast and plan and consider how the landscape of the data we design will change over time so that what I design is adaptable and built to last.

Today I met my equal, the fellow data witch on the other side of the planet who faces the same issues, deals with the same obstacles of not knowing and having to predict and consider and plan for all possibilities. I realised I’m not so alone in this male dominated world, and whilst girls like us are rare in this role, when you get one you can be damned sure she’s doing a bloody good job. It was great to share ideas with someone who actually saw the benefits of using a variety of techniques, wasn’t just another Hadoop ‘fan boy’ jumping on the train to be the best at the tech. Instead she’s practicing her art and applying her knowledge to come up with something that works and isn’t just wizzy and shiny but falls over as soon as it hits system integration testing.

So what is it that we women offer in these roles? The wise one offers pragmatism, the ability to reflect on what works and what doesn’t. I often find we’re more open to ideas and not just running off on some ego trip of who built it faster, who built it bigger or who made it the most complex. Perhaps because we’re not blinded by testosterone quite so much as the boys we are more holistic in how we solve problems, more willing to stop and think rather than jumping in with our swords at the first sign of trouble.

This is what I’m talking about, girls in technical roles supporting the others regardless of gender and lifting them up so they can be at their best. Girls who know the struggles of having to jump those extra hurdles to prove that the innie bearer can be just as good if not better than he of the outie. Perhaps it’s the inner mothers in us that makes us want to nurture our work, plan it carefully to see it grow over time rather than trying to constantly create that Big Bang of change with catastrophic effects of it doesn’t work out.

We wear makeup and we look damned good in heels but it’s just a mask to make the power of the brain inside more approachable perhaps, that scary brain with ideas that might just change the world one day. The benefits of the witch at the helm on your ship is that she can play all the roles if she’s comfortable in how she uses her powers. She can navigate, she can plan, she can fix, she stays positive even in the storm. We lead in a way that doesn’t scare the men, we lead in a way that motivates the troops.

Today was a day when I felt less alone, in a world full of men who loose their heads at the first sign of trouble, with their hair on fire as the production environment burns to the ground, we’re here in the background keeping it together till we’ve put out every last fire and try to make sure we plan so there isn’t another one…

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Ever watched how I met you mother? You know that sitcom where a guy is explaining to his kids all the events that led up to him meeting their mother… well I think that actually it’s pretty true of life when we all look back and work out how things unfolded to get to where we are. I had this though whilst during my hair after my shower and that though my led to today’s blog post.

I’d just been tagged into a photo by a lovely lady and fellow blogger that I now regard to be a friend, a good friend and yet had some unfortunate things not happened I would never have met her. Isn’t that odd? The painful stuff led to something awesome, a new friend. This is a lady I’d never have crossed paths with, I’ve never worked with her, we don’t really have the same music taste, I like metal clubs and vodka, she is considerably more upmarket in her tastes and drinks gin! And yet, this lovely lady is actually someone who I have a fair bit in common with in a fair few ways. She’s also on the other side of domestic abuse, hers a controlling situation where she could not leave. This lady who I see as a strong minded beautiful woman went through some very similar things to me.

So the series of unfortunate events… i.e. my terrible dating history, getting dumped in Rome at that point led to me accepting and invite from a male work colleague (also a friend) to go out and drown my sorrows because we were both getting over break ups. Little did I know I would be introduced to his group of friends, one of which was this lovely girl!

Now, if you hadn’t guessed, I struggle with female company, not because I don’t like other girls… more because I’m a tomboy and I have no idea how to do girl talk, I’ve never really been one for fashion, or celebrity gossip or all the other things is girls are expected to fill our lives with. Not that I think all girls really do this. I was bullied at school, by girls, why? Well I wasn’t very girly, I was a little bit different, whilst they were all playing with dolls, I had an A-Team van and some transformers, because that was what I liked. I wasn’t sporty so didn’t fit in with the sport crowd, I didn’t really give a shit about my clothes or my hair so didn’t fit in with the fashionistas, I wasn’t popular, boys did not fancy me at all! And I was quite geeky and outspoken. I was down right weird to be honest, but lacked self esteem so unlike my daughter who is rocking the weird right now, I was not.

So it’s a learned behaviour that girls are nasty and a bit back stabby, I sometimes keep my distance. I find girls can be a bit like cats, you know, when you adopt a new cat and the others just hiss at it… yeah I’m the new one. This was of course reinforced by my experiences of mothers in the playground when I did get the chance to be mom for the day… I was often the odd one out because of course most of the time I wasn’t there to be part of that group and so often felt I was being viewed sideways with suspicion by the others.

Girl workmates, no dramas, we’re comrades, therefore we get on! But out of context girl friendships, that’s new to me. And actually really valuable because I’m learning to play nice with my own kind and that not all girls are mean.

When I first started being on my own, I already had one close female friend who wasn’t a work colleague, a fellow mom who also didn’t fit in. And a couple of others I’d met in various groups and was able to learn we’re okay because there was the context of the club. But the idea of “hanging out with your girlfriends” as I was so often told I should now do at the time was like… “WTF?!? All my best friends are boys?!?”

I remember reading about the IT girl who had no female friends so her male friends sorted her hen do… I always imagined this would be me! Not that I will ever have a hen do… who is gonna marry this? Lol! Well more, I’m not sure I want to do getting married either… that’s a lot of commitment and I can’t even make up my mind about my lipstick and commit to it so I have a long way to go before I can commit to anything bigger! I did however feel relieved that there were other girls like me who had grown up and worked in a predominately male culture and just kind of lived that way too.

So my series of unfortunate events so far have led to…. getting closer to friends I already had… a few other friends now going through similar series of unfortunate events getting closer to me and us sharing our shitty stories, empathising and feeling better. A now very good new female friend who I’d have never otherwise have met.

After worrying for such a long time that I’d be alone forever because I can’t make friends too easily, suddenly I’m realising the only barrier was me. If I’d never have taken to opportunities, accepted invitations, normally I’d have felt too embarrassed to meet new people and socialise with strangers, I would not have the friends I now have today. Even as I write today it’s hitting home that actually your friends really should come before any romantic relationship. Because it’s your friends who will be there for you if it all goes wrong, they are the ones who will help you get over the humps, cheer you one and sometimes help you pick up the pieces when stuff gets fucked up. That’s the beauty of friendship, it’s a give and take thing. Real friends will be happy if you find the right guy and want to help you bury the body of the wrong guy… it’s my friends who I can now go out with, in fact, thinking about this, it’s something I did before when I was younger, but lost when I let a relationship come before the friends I had. You never fully lose touch but it’s never the same and people move on.

So I’m enjoying being single, having friends from all walks of life and particularly grateful to the series of unfortunate events that lead to the better things that were to come as a result of not moping alone and getting out there anyway. We all have those moments when we sing Mariah Cary “without you!” And think we’re doomed, but it really doesn’t have to be true… actually, I can live if living is without you, and you and him over there too… because life really does carry on we just have to choose to participate…

Mambo Italiano

So I met a guy a while back on Bumble… he’s Italian working over here as a civil engineer for a contractor company back in Italy. We messaged for months, him back and forth between country’s and me working we just didn’t find time to meet. He seemed to always be stressed out by his job, but I’m starting to think this is the nature of Italians perhaps although the hours he’s working are pretty long.

So we eventually met a few weeks ago, he was late, extremely apologetic and very stressed by the fact he was late! Good start! I reassured him it didn’t matter and he started to relax. It was quite late on a Saturday, so we decided to go for a drink. It started off sort of awkward with his okay English and my less than minimal Italian, it was kind of funny. He was as good looking as his pictures and he was pretty charming, not holding much back, telling me I was beautiful, although again this is how Italian men seem to act, they’re never backwards in being forwards.

He moved across to sit next to me and within minutes we were kissing, passionately, well it was easier than both of us trying to muddle together words. He was incredibly well dressed, something Italians seem to all have a talent for, and I was pretty impressed. We laughed as I attempted to wipe my red lipstick off his lips, decided to finish our drinks and go home.

We went back to his car, he was again very apologetic for the actually perfectly fine company car and I laughed as he hurriedly removed a few bits of scaffolding from the footwell. Perhaps a lot of what I found so funny was how unlike any of the British guys who I’d dated previously he was. He had insisted on holding doors, holding my umbrella over me, helping me with my jacket, it was kind of sweet, totally not what I’m used to, and highly indicative that chivalry is indeed dead in the British. Actually I decided I liked it a little. It wasn’t the awkward running a million miles ahead to open a door like some British guys I’d dated had tried because they had no idea what they were doing it was just very natural.

We get back to mine and we’ll we know where this goes… yeah he’s in my bed, on my bed and everywhere else. We didn’t do much talking, we burnt a lot of calories and he was pretty amazing. I like this guy a lot. He makes promises about taking me away to Italy and we joke I might burn up like a vampire seeing the sun. I’m not sure he’s serious, and I really don’t care. The moment is nice and that’s all that matters.

He’s stays a while but has to work early, and goes home in the early hours. Messaging when he gets home that he wished he was still there. He messages every day, we’re both busy people but he does a lot to show he cares. I guess the cynic inside me worries he’s just after the right to work after all the changes going on with the EU right now. But actually he appears to be genuine. We’ll see I guess but I’m not overly worried, I don’t really know him but it’s given me a kick up the butt to keep learning the languages I was learning before, Spanish, Italian and German, hey if anything I get someone to practice with… silver linings right?

Happiness Formula

Learning to be happy is the only way I’ve found happiness.

With today’s society teaching us that we have to “have” in order to be happy, that we have to “achieve” in order to be successful, and those achievements are directly proportional to those of others and therefore our success is quantitive, we loose the qualitative and therefore the benchmark to happiness becomes that of the outer shell and not the substance.

There’s sense in the schooling years of streaming kids into classes that reflect their abilities in some ways but also adds the pressure, wrongly, that if you’re not in the top set for everything you are therefore going to be resigned to the doldrums of average or less and so not a success, you therefore may as well give up. At the age of 15 I attained a grade 8 with a distinction for my music grade and therefore my direction was set, I had to achieve being a successful musician, the attainment blinkered my direction in early life at a young age and left me closed to the possibilities of what else could be. In fact, music as a career wasn’t for me then and it isn’t for me now, but letting go of that was difficult. I actually didn’t love it enough in the ways that those who hadn’t achieved the same did, but I was told and told myself I did and so convinced myself I loved it whilst looking over the fence at the things I’d closed my life to.

I wasn’t sporty at a young age and so convinced myself it was something I couldn’t do. You see childhood for the naturally intelligent is not always a childhood, it becomes a series of achievements and goals, an unpaid career and pressure to maintain and attain. I think that so many children go through this, if anything sometimes ignorance can actually be bliss.

So early on depression became a result of the anxiety of not achieving the things I should achieve but didn’t really want to achieve. The pressure, came from me, something ingrained into this overly competitive mind that cannot relax if it’s not the best. It equaled misery, misery in my work, misery in my play, misery in my creativity because I could not accept that I could not always be the best, and I had learned that I could only be happy when I was.

But today I’m free. I somehow managed to let go. Untreated depression for a very long time meant a cycle of ups when something good happened only to be dashed by something better that didn’t happen to me. Anxiety that when something good did happen that the high would be quickly followed by the low. The fear of losing, that animalistic behaviour of the predatory animal that found the food and now guards its prize rather than eating it, for the other predators circle in the hope to steal, and so the hard won prize rots away before it can be eaten and nobody wins.

The introvert displaying as the extrovert because she was taught that she had to be outgoing, had to be loud, friendly, outspoken even though she only really wanted to retreat to go and think and consider and make and create. But you can’t be both. Neglecting the real talent because of the mistaken talent becomes a problem if it becomes a habit or a necessity.

I sit here this morning and wonder about how I got to now. Suicide doesn’t cross my mind anymore, not in the plaguing way it used to only months before. Yet I’ve removed the antidepressants, were they even helping at all? The answer is yes. They provided stabilisers for me to carry on and learn to be myself again, actually learn to be myself full stop, because I wonder if I’d ever been myself, perhaps during my formative years before the schools and pressure I had been. I have picked myself up so many times over the years and carried on when life didn’t match my expectations each time a little bit of hope for happiness dying because I had forgotten to consider the idea that I could just be happy anyway. Thus comes the face palm moment of “Why did you let yourself be so god damned miserable all these years?” … Idiot.

Is happiness even a real thing? I’m not sure, we’re all so obsessed with the things that make the happy that we can’t define it so therefore I’d argue that it isn’t. Like water can be solid, liquid or gas, happiness is just one of the states of mind, so therefore the thoughts in my head are either solid, liquid or gas also. It’s the definition, the label that makes it so hard and so removing that from the equation means we can just choose which state it is because happy is merely a relative feeling.

The biggest challenge I’ve found to being happy is fear. Fear of losing, fear of death, fear of lonely. But when the fear is gone am I helpless or happy or both? If I remove the fear and realise I’m helpless to control the events of the future, if I remove the worry that tomorrow it might all just be over, I can be happy in the now that I’ve got here in front of me. So in understanding my helplessness I lose the hopelessness and the worry disappears and I’m happy.

I have started to be able to laugh at the things that made me feel sad. Why? Because when you look from the outside the irony is strong. We all get taught we need love from others to be happy, but we don’t, if we concentrate on giving and expect nothing back then what we get feels better. Giving is relative to what the person has to give and no two people have the same capacity. Expecting leads to a one-upmanship competition of the one who gives all and the one who gives little and the inequality of the giving and receiving becomes the need to get back what was given when the other simply didn’t have it.

We see it with everything set out by human authority as we write, speak, scream and protest that life isn’t fair… but our rules made it less fair, and yes life is unfair but only if we compare our lives to the physical surroundings of ourselves and others.

Realising I can be happy in the now is what fixed it. Realising I could just be happy regardless of the situation fixed it. When a person dies only the bitter and twisted would want their loved ones to mourn. We will of course mourn a little, but actually the person who is worth the energy of mourning would want their loved ones to be happy with the memory. It’s okay to cry in the moment, and it’s okay to be happy when it’s done. Everything changes, everything dies, there is no permanent state of the world and so embracing that notion that the world changes and we adapt is the way to happiness. Remember history with interest not bitterness. Don’t base your future in your past. When we can look at each day as a new day regardless of the past, the future becomes an exciting bubble of bright possibility that exists only in our imagination as we deal with the now.

Is it mindfulness? Perhaps. Does it even need a label? Just take the label off it, take the label away from everything about yourself and ask if you’re happier just being…

Happy = Now – Past Sadness – Future Worry

That’s not even complex maths!

Offended… any need?

In this world of politically correct rules and regulations I find myself walking on egg shells with this dark old sense of humour I have… I often observe people being offended and to be honest about 95% of the time I’m not sure they should be. I often think that being offended is a mindset that people have already decided they’re going to have before even a single word is uttered and it can often reflect more about the person who is offended than the person who is being offensive.

What good does being offended do? And do we ever have the right to actually be offended? I often find that expressing offence makes people look a bit like they’re being a dick. When I say the word Fuck or even the dreaded C word so many people look in horror at what the bad lady just did. But these are just words. Perhaps it should be considered that the intent behind the words need to be thought about before offence is taken. So when people banter, should we be offended? No, banter is just that, I get regularly told that my feet are small so I can stand closer to the sink. Yes I’m a working woman, does this offend me? No it makes me laugh and results in a hilarious retaliation. With the right people banter can always be upped and that’s what makes it fun.

Perhaps I’m just way too chilled. Today I witnessed some stupid behaviour, road rage is one of the silliest. Like what is the point? A guy was sat behind beeping his horn at my brother who couldn’t move any further forward. My brother gets irate because he can’t move forward, the guy continues to beep because he was blocking the road down to his own stupidity and so there was a stale mate going on. Everyone being offended by everyone else. What the hell was the point? The answer, none, I just don’t see why people get so stressed out. If there’s nothing you can do then save all your gum bumping until you can. It’s that modern day throwback to the “I challenge you to a duel!” When one person dies at dawn and actually it’s all about ego… is there really any point?

There are times when yes being offended is justified. If someone’s rights to be equal are oppressed then yes being offended if you are that person is totally fine and expected. People should be standing up for the oppressed, by pointing it out and asking for change. What gets to me is when someone isn’t offended at all and yet someone, a by stander to the one not offended whips out their HR manual quoting rule 7.2.8.b word for word and causes a stir. Is there really any point? Would it not have been better to just check first if the situation was actually causing offence?

I lived with someone once who found Gavin and Stacey offensive, because it showed Welsh people in a negative light, when actually it was portraying people that really exist and was written collaboratively by Welsh people and the portrayal of English people was just as negative if we are to see it that way.

My favourite anecdote about being offended was a night at a comedy club arranged by a team of girls who love to be offended. There was nothing really offensive going on, the comedians were taking the piss out of life situations and making a mockery of things as they are. Yet this entire little clique managed to find it offensive and the look on their angry faces was almost funnier than the comedy itself. The irony being that they had booked the damned thing in the first place!

So my thought for the day… chill the fuck out! Step back… are you actually offended? Or is your ego in someway just hurting or are you seeing this as some sort of way to grab five minutes of attention?

Yes we all know there are things we should not say, we all know there is a history of human kind where the behaviour and mind sets were offensive and wrong. But this is the past, it’s done, we need to move on. I don’t need to burn my bra on the street to prove I’m an equal, I’ll just carry on being equal and say a firm “fuck you” to anyone who disagrees. I’m not offended by the immigrant who comes here to work their arse off at a job most people born on this soil wouldn’t dream of doing. For me the most offensive thing a person can be is ignorant. But I generally prefer to laugh at it, what is the point in getting upset when someone is so ignorant they can’t see the truth of the world in front of them? Just take a step back and laugh at their stupid, because you don’t need to worry, and they have no idea they should…

No more boring

Today I’m back to disappointment, we’ll sort of. Perhaps it’s not disappointment, it’s not gone that far. The guy I met last Saturday came over last night but to be honest it just didn’t feel very good, or right and I was bored within minutes of him getting here. We’re just not compatible I think he could feel my boredom.

I was back to how I felt a few weeks back when I was trying to forget the one, this time though realising that I wasn’t really trying to replace someone, just more trying to find the right person to spend my time with, and this guy just isn’t him. When you have a high sex drive and your guy doesn’t, well it’s a problem. Or when you want things someone is too nervous to give it’s also a problem. Cruel perhaps but I’m done wasting my time, I’m looking for someone better and I’m not here to provide therapy for almost divorcees who clearly have one foot stuck in the past, he still lives there for god’s sake. I’m used to guys who get excited by decent underwear and at least make an effort when they turn up, but this guy did none. Just back from work, forgiven a little, but still clearly in work mode but not willing to get that shit off his chest he bored the hell out of me instead by saying nothing.

His reaction to my effort, opposite to his words was a cold limp nothing. Frustrating. Especially when there are other guys that could have been there instead.

I think I’ve got to the realisation that I just don’t want a relationship, okay I got there a while back, but someone to do what I need is important, the rest I just don’t care. I’ve got absolutely no interest in the whole dating and talking, I just don’t care. Why is it so wrong that a woman can want this, men do this all the time but when a woman does this back she’s some kind of slut.

No strings fun is so much easier than getting invested in someone who wants you to commit but will never do that back. I almost contacted Mr Married because, with him I always knew where I stood and I was happier being the dirty little secret (or not so secret) than trying to make it work with someone who wanted more than I could give or wouldn’t give anything back in spite of getting it all. However I’ve deleted his number, probably a good thing really.

Perhaps some people are just not meant to be in relationships, perhaps that’s me. I’m happier having sex and then going about my life separately. When I think about the expectations a relationship brings to be honest it scares the shit out of me, I’d so rather live in my own place doing my own thing, I just don’t want to share everything, and for me romance is dead, it just doesn’t impress me. I’m too cynical, I’ve been hurt too many times to ever believe in that stuff again. Is being played being gullible? Probably. So how do you spot when they’re not? You can’t.

Perhaps this is why I don’t believe in marriage, I’ve never really seen a truly happy one. So is this a low? I don’t think so, I’m actually pretty happy today, my daughter turned 15 today, she’s hanging out with friends. I’m alone with my dogs, doing not very much, feeling no pressure and thinking about the new job I just accepted.

Yesterday was the past, it’s forgotten, the guy last night is the past too, I won’t see him again. All the others are also the past. I’m strong enough now to not need to cling to memories or feelings that should be done and dusted. I had to block yet another stalky guy, because he didn’t get the message and wouldn’t leave me alone, he has no right to know what I’m doing, especially as he’s never met me before. Mr clingy 2 has been told outright to leave me alone, that I have no time for him and don’t want to date him. Telling someone no is perfectly okay.

We’re back to the usual, same old crap of the ones you actually like are just not ready, and the ones you don’t never getting the message until they push you as far as having to say something hurtful because they just don’t listen.

So I’m looking for a guy that matches me, a guy who doesn’t get offended over stupid shit, or expect me to spend half my time eating food that makes me fat because eating is just not that important to me. I’m bored of gastro pubs, bored of shit music, bored of sex that has no passion. If I wanted that I would have got married. I see nothing wrong with doing whatever the hell I like with whoever I like and enjoying whatever it is for the moment. Perhaps it’s time to meet naughty snapchat guy 2, he works away in the week so he might just be what I need, time alone most of the week but fun when I want him… provided he can actually back up his words…