Night off

So I’m taking a night off. My daughter at her dads. Me exhausted from trying to make something work in the office that still won’t run quite properly, and an exhausted developer bless him who is probably very tired of me right now… I was meant to be meeting someone, but I cancelled he can wait for another day and will if he’s worth my time. After the information overload of the past few months, it’s time to chill and reflect on my day, my week, my month perhaps even my year so far.

The busy city buzzes past as I sit in my house by the window in my own place of calm, to have a think about stuff. It’s well and truly a PJs and Netflix night. Perhaps with some contemplation on where I’m at. Wet hair, face pack on, horror on the TV, life doesn’t get much more relaxed.

There are days when I’m itching to get outside, meet people, speak to them, but today isn’t that one. Today is a day for replying to the odd message, regrouping my thoughts and perhaps planning my future a little. Whilst I’m not the type to plan everything to the letter, I like to have an idea of the direction I’m headed. That what will I do to better myself, where do I want to travel, who with and how. Life today is an open book, and I like it that way. I write my own story with no reliance on anyone else’s input, just my own. If people want to come along for the ride then if I like them they’re welcome. But this is my story so I will be leading the way.

The guy I was meant to meet tonight is already messaging me ten to the dozen, I’ve already kind of decided I don’t think he’s for me. Plus there’s the other guy I think I’m now seeing, who knows how this stuff works these days, so I’m not his until he asks nicely I don’t give myself away so easily these days. I may have changed my mind by that point anyway. Mr Clingy 2 has now apparently got the message, Mr Clingy 3 seems to have as well although he’s on a filming project so might just be busy. Mr Clingy 4 and 5 are cooling off thank goodness and Mr Elite is working in the Middle East! Peace and quiet! Don’t think I’ll be seeing him again though, he bores me, I’m done with that dating site full of men who are all talk looking for a wife… no thanks.

There’s a new interest although I worry his recent PhD and now unemployment makes him slightly less suitable for me, but he’s interesting to talk to, might just keep him for a while and see where it leads.

Today is for writing, thinking and doing my own thing. The stress of the gossip seems to have died down. I wonder about that. What is it that makes a girl so damaged that she has to attack all others in her sight, rather than bettering herself so she feels less insecure? I pity her, I hope she gets fixed. She would have been perfect for ‘the Stand in’ they could have criticised everyone with their own overly high unobtainable standards together whilst rolling in kitty litter and drinking shit wine, probably wearing dressing gowns over their clothes. What a sight to behold!!! Not that he would find her attractive. To be fair that guy was fit and healthy just a little bit narcissistic in his approach. When a guy repeats constantly to you “I should shake your ex’s hand because he’s given you such low standards, I can’t do anything wrong!” That’s gonna lead me to thinking that I’m clearly out of his league. Also the constant reminder of my ex just made me feel like there was no way to move on because this guy couldn’t stop bringing him up! I hate people who score points!

The Sad Mechanic used to do this all the time too, he poured through their Instagram pages encouraging me to get angry for his own entertainment, I learnt not to rise to it. Why in the hell would I want to look at that? I’m moving on! Nope, today is positive, stuff got done, I have time to myself, and the people who hate can stay hating themselves.

The past is the past, learn and leave it. Like the littlest hobo I wander through life, maybe tomorrow I’ll wanna settle down, but till tomorrow, I’ll just keep moving on…


Is that you in a dress???

And it goes a little something like this….

Mr Elite asked me about being adventurous in the bedroom. He brought up the subject of adding an extra lady. I was down with the idea… I mean I’m free and single may as well consider stuff before saying no, plus I was a little bit curious, I wanted to see just who else was in his “little black book”…. so he sends me a photo of a “woman” from his little black book.

This woman was the spitting image of him but wearing a dress! Like either a man in a dress a one hell of a minger of a woman!!! And so the conversation went….

Time to say goodbye to mr Elite me thinks… either he wears dresses… each to their own but not for me… or his taste in women is poor and I’m waaaaay out of his league….

Takes all sorts

Pokemon Go?

So I met Man Pokemon last night for a drink and this time only a drink! We talked for hours… like the time flew! I’d been feeling a bit grumpy all day… A combination of Monday morning Blues, falling off a horse the day before at full gallop and knowing I had bootcamp planned for after work I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. So it really cheered me up.

The night went well, we talked a lot. I was beginning to feel like this could be a goer. But there were reservations inside my head that I really needed to resolve. He didn’t quite look like his profile pic… not massively different but different. Did he look a bit like the Sad Mechanic? Could I deal with that if he did? I wasn’t sure. There were things I was starting to feel were perhaps a little stretched around the truth. He’d said he never used Tinder or any other dating site. He’d not had many girlfriends. I wasn’t sure. Didn’t feel right. Swiping through Bumble when I got home later… there he was!

Perhaps I’m just not used to nice guys…. turns out he’d left the company I work for now a few years back. Perhaps it was worth some digging.

As he was walking me back to my car he casually mentioned he didn’t drive. I don’t know why this bothered me, it normally doesn’t really, but I started to wonder if this meant the potential to become a taxi driver yet again, been there done that, no thanks!

He’d already added me on Facebook that day… this screamed STALKER! To me!

The kiss… it was weird, didn’t feel all that good, like he didn’t know what he was doing… I felt disappointed. Perhaps it was just nerves. Kissing is important to me, I spent almost 15 years hardly ever being kissed. I didn’t want that ever again.

Perhaps I was being too picky. He’d asked me to text when I got home, kinda sweet, but what if this was the beginnings of controlling behaviour, remember how ‘nice’ the Stand In was? Yet control was his game too.

He kept up the texts, to be honest it felt like something wasn’t quite right. Too nice, perhaps I was being paranoid, hey there’s some baggage here. So I got a Tarot reading, saying it was a maybe but he’s been hurt before, it will be hard work.

Hmmmm…. Tarot for me rarely lies.

Next day in the office I ask a trusted colleague about him. The department he apparently worked in was right next to theirs at the time he worked there. Most of them had never heard of him. I show the profile pic to a response of ‘Oh god! No not him?!? Run, seriously bad news!’ Turns out he didn’t have the high ranking finance job he’d said but was front line customer contact, again the level of job isn’t an issue for me but the lie is.

Okay intuition you’ve served me well here… now how to end it, I’ll probably be honest, I’m not in the frame of mind for the commitment his behaviour seems to be asking for, I’m not ready yet to stop seeing what my options are. My heart isn’t fully healed from the disappointment of not being with ‘the one’ and therefore for me to try wouldn’t be fair on either of us.

There is no harm in dating around to make sure you’re happy, why should you settle when you know it’s not right? Some things are not meant to be, but the universe presents it to you so you can learn that for yourself.

Pokemon No…

Rabbit in the headlights

During my slightly mad phase of taking home boys who were way too young for me I accidentally, well kinda, I mean I’d seen him round the office and had no idea who he was but thought he was cute, took a guy unsuitably young for me home after a night out with the lads from my team.

We’d ended up in a local metal club, probably my idea, no definitely my idea and were all having a laugh moshing to Metallica probably looking like absolute dicks but it was fun and we were out to party. Can’t remember why…

Anyhow, after a lot of vodka I somehow ended up kissing the cute guy from the office who I’d noticed hanging around my floor always looking a little bit like a rabbit in the headlights, we were on a different floor to his team at that point so coming to our floor meant you needed something fixing but the team he was generally asking for help from were always busy so rabbit in the headlights boy always looked a little bit nervous like he might run if there was a loud noise or sudden movement.

Anyhow the kiss on the dance floor come mosh “pit” (not really a pit, more of a crevice) became a fumble and we left for him to have a cigarette but didn’t go back in and were in a taxi back to mine. Yes I dragged this unwitting boy back to my lair. We got out a bit of a walk away, can’t remember why the taxi couldn’t get to my place and chatted as we walked. Turned out he was younger than I thought he was, but was within my half you age plus 7 bracket… just… and well I guessed it was a little bit late to reassess the situation really… he was a way from home and it was my fault he was there, at least a little bit anyway.

We get to mine, discover he’s petrified of dogs, my dogs love him, he’s not fussed. Oh dear… thanks dogs… they can smell fear a mile off, it’s not that they attack in these moments more that they will try change the mind of the person who’s scared of dogs by not leaving them alone until the person in question agrees that dogs are awesome and that they are also the best dogs ever.

He pops upstairs to the bathroom, comes back down and we get busy on the sofa. I go down on him and see blood. I’m a little bit shocked and ask is there a reason he’s bleeding. He looks horrified and sorta says no, no need to worry, trying to cover the matter up, I check with him he’s okay to play… don’t wanna be getting anything like I dunno, you can imagine… well you just don’t know.

I pop to the bathroom and see my lady razor freshly used on the side with fresh blood and realise what happened. The poor guy was clearly nervous and had decided to tidy himself up but cut himself in the process. Unfortunate, this put me in mind of the inbetweeners episode where the guy sticks a wig down his pants after the Immac joke and it all goes tits up. It’s amazing what a nervous guy will do to make himself “acceptable” but then we girls do that shit too I guess, it just makes me laugh. We’re all human after all.

We went to my bed and messed about for a while, probably woke up the neighbours, no we did wake up the neighbours… had to change the sheets… finding clean sheets took forever, I’m not that great at adulting.

Next morning he went back home. Spent months in the office me wondering whether he was regretting it all, then decided not to give a fuck. Months later he finally starts messaging me. We have another crazy night, this time I had to pick him up from the train station lol!

He was pretty cute, almost relationship material but probably a bit young for me. Who knows, he seems to come and go from my life now and then. Although I don’t think he’s really what I’m after.




When you know what you want but…

I think the older you get the pickier you get, or perhaps it’s more that you know what you want and realise you can afford to wait for it. Your standards get higher when you realise your worth. But it makes it that little bit harder when you meet someone new but they don’t quite tick all the boxes.

The worst is when they tick all the right boxes, the attraction is there, the personality matches yours, they seem so right but their lifestyle the practical stuff doesn’t quite meet yours and that makes you start to consider how much effort it’s worth.

A lot of men I meet who are my own age are either out of shape or just that little bit desperate. Perhaps I’m looking in the wrong places… younger men, match me in personality can keep up with me… I’m demanding… but lack that ability to commit, they have no idea what they’re doing with their life blah blah…

The problem, I find a guy who’s seemingly nice but he wants waaaaay too much too soon, they smother you, I need balance. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not willing to just play second fiddle to a guy’s ego, become his baby oven or pool my finances. Especially if he’s not going to take an interest in the stuff I like, it’s not hard to find something there, the list of likes for me is eclectic and long.

On the other hand, if we like the same music, want to travel, he’s either too insecure to accept that I can pay when he can’t, or scared of commitment because he doesn’t think he’s got enough to offer so runs before he’s dumped… comes back time and time again but just can’t stay… like trying to tame a very timid wild animal… thing is I don’t want them tame….

Why can’t I find a guy my age who is still in shape, not obsessed with owning me, or married already to someone he hates…

Or a slightly younger guy who doesn’t have what I’m starting to call “Millennial syndrome”, unable to communicate verbally, must be through texts, emojis and memes, not able to be responsible for the simple stuff that I at a very young age in comparison was. The Peter Pans of the dating world!

I don’t think I’m alone here. You’ve worked hard, raised kids, got a career, done a lot of it if not all yourself, you’ve become a queen with out needing a king. It takes one hell of a man to step up to be at the side of a queen who’s already got it covered and there’s not many men who can! They want a princess not a queen and I’ve graduated from that.

See, I don’t want some guy who’s just gonna do everything to please me, that would be a servant and it’s boring. I want a guy who’s gonna challenge me, but also not run off scared because my Queendom is too hard for him to conquer. In fact why the hell does he need to conquer me?

The worst thing is, I don’t play hard enough to get when I like a guy. It’s very easy to ignore the ones I don’t like, and then they think you’re playing games so try harder. When I like one I reply to texts too quick, I’m far too accommodating and take on the man’s role in the relationship because I’ve generally got all this shit covered and I’m used to it. I hate playing games. I think I’m just gonna have to learn to play them.

The backwards moral of the story here… ignore someone you really like, he’ll try a million times harder, do nothing for him. Sure laugh at his jokes etc. Go against all your feminist, equality beliefs and let the man pay! Okay offer to go halves, buy some drinks but seriously they have an issue if you pay for lunch… even when they’re skint!!?!

Chase the ones you really don’t like, they’ll happily slink off into the friend zone never to be heard from again.

Dating when you’ve got your life fully together and they haven’t difficulty score 11/10…

Sticky boob bras

IMG_0517We’ve all seen the online adds for these miraculous sticky bras that you do up at the front giving you instant amazing cleavage and no straps. Well this looks awesome I thought, finally no matter what your back size you can just buy one to cover your ahem… err lady lumps, pull the chord of awesome tuck and go! Riiight?!?

I’m sold! Where do I sign? I wanna get me one of those! So I click the link to go to the store and read the sizing instructions…. they have all the way up to the cup size below mine so feeling optimistic I pick black (of course) and buy myself the sticky bra of awesome that’s gonna solve all my strappy top summer nightmares and my every wish will come true!

I’m excited, I check my post box daily (I had to buy a metal one for outside my house because one of my dogs likes to eat the post, hilarious when it’s my ex’s important stuff 2 years on I still get that shit, baaaaaad when it’s my long awaited bad girls go to Valhalla Tshirt). It took forever to arrive! Like months… okay weeks but I hate waiting! I wanted to stick stuff to my boobs like the girl in the video and draw that chord of amazing so I could rock that strappy top!

Day 837 in the Du Moriet house… okay probably 33 but we talked about my inability to wait for anything just now. It arrives! My coveted sticky pads of boob busting are here! I take off my biker gear, run up stairs, unpack the package with the Chinese writing and postage stamps and behold! it’s here! Praise the gods and goddesses that may or may not exist! Life right now is the best thing since well whatever makes it the best, sliced bread or something.

I unpeel the sticky back stuff and position it in the right places and visualise the dream that will be me very shortly rocking out to music taking selfies like the girl on the advert! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!

There’s special none sticky bits kinda in the middle so your nips don’t get all stuck so you know where they should go roughly…

I pull the chord, await the awesome and look in the mirror…. to my horror… under boob, side boob…over boob…. weird middle boob thing going on. This is not what I imagined. I unstick, reposition and try again…. worse! Okay… nope, move them down a bit, sticky mess now in all the wrong places… nope armpit boob going on there now… hmmmm….. I’m not sure these things are designed for women who are anything over a C cup… I look more uplifted without the damned thing on! The chord of awesomeness comes out of it’s pully thing as  try to get the stupid sticky thing off and I consider that I actually need a winch here not just a stupid bit of string.

Dammit! What to do now?!? This is clearly not for me… it will sit dismally in the drawer with many other impulse internet purchases that were supposed to make me look like the lady dancing around in the ads… the plastic bag that would make me have feet like and angel, the no heat hair curlers that gave me a 1970’s half Afro… perhaps I’ll try it again… the online shop people said I’d got it all wrong and sent me a how to video.

So pros… no straps… yay…

Cons… very very sticky, may well have been better off just using gaffa tape… tripe boob issues… dropped it on the floor now has some dog hair on it… gross. Rope not strong enough, needs to consider the stuff that climbers use if it’s to hold up anything a little more substantial. Also, I like to match… this is not really what you want to reveal when you take off your clothes… a bit like wearing Spanx… yeah… no…

Alternative uses I’m considering… knee pads, obviously take of the chord if you’re gonna do that… stick them to my butt so I can make like Kim K?

Verdict… perhaps not for me…