Game face on

So it’s clearly time to concentrate on business and getting things done. Astrologically Venus is in Virgo now and that marks a noticeable change in how I’m dealing with emotions today and to be honest it’s a welcome relief. I’m feeling more focused on logic and less focused on the ethereal dreamy world of the what might be. It’s finally time to get the head down and put in the hard work.

Mr Ghosty McGhostface finally messaged this morning with the “things moved too fast, I wasn’t ready” text. A little cowardly but hey it’s closure and I’d rather know now than get strung along for months on end. The fact he did this by text demonstrates he definitely wasn’t the right one for me, I could have responded with a lot of things…. like “So why were you so adamant that you would be introducing me to all your friends?” Or “why even mention that your mum will love me when she meets me?” None of these were an if and I was pretty cautious in my responses to these. Along with the “I’d love to help you decorate your house” and “what kind of dates would you like me to take you on?”. To me, well, that normally insinuates that they’re starting to consider a relationship and not just seeing this as a fling, I was happy either way, but some people just can’t handle a woman who knows what she wants I guess.

As we know I love a bit of self reflection and here’s what I’m wondering… on date number one we couldn’t go into the place we were originally meeting because “An ex girlfriend that ended it badly with him was there”, looking back I’m wondering if this was perhaps just another situation like this. This guy just clearly isn’t equipped to deal with the emotional responses he creates with whoever he’s dating and so then runs away like a little boy to hide behind his X-box… yes X-box… Microsoft is so yesterday… lol…

I considered responses like “well thanks for making my Monday better.” Or “Sure no worries.” Or better still “I assumed you were dead so let’s keep it that way!” But I decided no response was actually better, perhaps a little more dignified. I’d deleted his number anyway, and all his past texts, so I’m assuming it was him… that text went too so that in a moment of weakness I couldn’t respond anyway. It’s better that way, no need for baggage.

So business suit Rebecca wore her business suit today. She was pretty calm, almost cold in her approach to everything today and actually it’s a hell of a lot better than feeling shitty. Probably not worth telling him that I’ve already had some fun since… he can really think what he wants.

Today I had the pleasure of trying to cover a massive love bite (oh my god I forgot about those! Why?) guess this is the downfall of the younger guys… here I am covering up love bites lol! Oh well, my technique on that is now perfected… I could probably be a makeup artist with the amount of times I’ve now done this lately! It’s all very well in the moment… but…

So down to business… and not that kind of business… this time the book is getting written, the blog is probably getting a revamp and suddenly Tinderella is a little too busy to worry about stupid boys who can’t back up their words! Thank heavens for that!

So back to his words “I hope you find someone you deserve” no actually, someone who deserves me will find me and will do what ever it is to convince me that they do. This won’t be creepy or clingy. I’m expecting more than a night in shining armour, I don’t need rescuing you see so that’s gonna be wasted on me. Put your horses back in the stables boys… leave your magic carpets at home! And don’t even think about that oversized fishing net!

In the mean time my hot naughty snapchat buddy is keeping me entertained with snaps that I have to leave the office if I’m to open them! I’ll probably never meet him but I’m not complaining about the eye candy, he’s quite the exhibitionist, and I’m not complaining. It’s like having my own personal porn star.

My life began at 36, two years on, good god am I having a ball!?!


I Surrender

So I gave myself the space the think. After Thursdays date which I’m now glad nothing much other than a drink and a goodnight kiss happened, I’ve decided that guy wasn’t for me, and guess what, rather than keeping him hanging, I’ve told him already. I’m not waiting for the one who makes me forget to come back either. If he does, we’ll see. If he doesn’t his loss.

I kinda think that after everything that’s happened it’s time to give it a rest. Time to stop worrying about finding the right person because when I do it’s either a guy who I like but he’s too immature to tell me straight what he wants, or plays games, or it’s a guy who’s just so lonely and desperate that he starts to get stalky and I don’t want either of these things.

I kind of wonder if this is the loneliness that is a strong woman’s lot. You meet a guy on a dating app, he’s either bigged himself up because he’s insecure, or hidden everything about himself because he’s insecure too. You’re downright honest and upfront, you tell him about yourself, and he either thinks, “well I can’t compete” or “I’ll have a damned good go”.

The guys on Elite Dating, well they are in no way elite, they’re on every other dating app too.

This is the thing, it’s the same shit, different app. Perhaps actually you can meet someone organically. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to really leave it to the universe and not technology. I don’t want these experiences to make me cynical but it’s starting to happen so it’s time to stop.

Perhaps I’m just too lazy in my old age. Perhaps more it’s just I’m too old for this shit! If there’s gonna be a guy he’ll have his shit together and will damned well tell me!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I turn 38! Scary isn’t it? Getting older can make you feel really insecure. I know that single guys without kids are looking to have them, and sometimes I think it’s my age that puts them off. ‘The one’ split up with me for that reason once, it hurt so much. He was the person I was willing to put my body through that again for, but he didn’t want to put me through it. There’s nothing like being told you’re perfect but you’re too old. The dumb thing is I’m probably biologically younger than most of the girls he’s dated because I take the time to look after myself. I wear sunscreen every day, I drink lots of water, I eat right. The turns you’ve had around the sun really don’t mean all that much.

I’m still undecided about whether I’d have children again. It’s not a burning desire right now, and the idea of putting another first for another 18 years after I’ve already done that since I was young is a decision I’d really have to consider, but with the right guy I would. Perhaps the one who made me forget who was clearly going to make a good dad one day had decided that I wouldn’t and that was his problem, perhaps we’ll just never know.

Perhaps the fact I already have a teenage daughter put him off. Some men assume that responsibility will fall on them and they don’t want that, when it’s not even what me or my daughter want either.

So I sent him one last text, I kinda know in my heart he’ll never reply. It was a bit of a long one along the gist of I’m sorry, I wish him well, I’m confused what happened, I hope he’s okay. Too needy, probably. I have no idea how to play these games so I just don’t play them. I loose when I do so I just don’t contend.

Perhaps that’s half the issue, everyone else is playing games too. So when you meet a guy and you don’t play games, because the last one did, he has no idea whether you’re telling the truth or not. The last one ruins it for the new one and it’s a vicious circle.

I went out with a friend last night who is becoming a good friend. He’s had similar problems and also kinda gave up. It’s really just sad that you get to the point where you feel that way. Your bright blue butterflies turn into drab brown moths because you’re expecting the worst and so attract that instead.

So I hold my hands up! I quit! I’m waving the white flag of surrender! I’m not looking for a one night stand, I don’t think I ever really was, boredom and my insecurities led me down that path a few times in the past. Sometimes you do that because you feel the need to prove you’ve still got it, sad really. The guys who send dick pics can really all fuck off. What leads a man the think that’s acceptable? I don’t know? You’re talking and then… oh there it is… yes we’ve all played at sexting and sometimes it’s fun, but when you make out you want something different and then change the tune so suddenly it’s just down right creepy.

Time to take some alone time, time to concentrate on home, ramp up my career further and stop procrastinating.

Being a lonely queen is better than being lumbered with the court jester for eternal company…

Fresh Start

Today marks a fresh start. I have learnt the lessons of my past mistakes and clearly the one who makes me forget was sent to test that I’d learnt. After ‘the one’ and his games, on off, will he won’t he? He loves me he loves me not, I have been determined never to fall for someone like that again and become so dependant on someone else to be able to feel good about myself. Since he’s not bothered to even acknowledge my existence since the weekend when we said goodbye outside his house Saturday morning, I’ve moved on. I’m not gonna wait. There’s a great meme I love to remember in these situations; if you have to hesitate when you’re choosing between me or someone else, please pick the other person.

So I’ve left him to it. Whether there is someone or not, I no longer care, because I’m a grown woman and I don’t play games. It takes two seconds to text back I’m busy till… or sorry I’ve had a stressful day and just need a bit of time to myself or whatever, but silence it unacceptable. So he’s free to do whatever he wants. It’s very much his loss.

I went on a date tonight with someone I matched with yesterday. I decided at that point to start looking again because I’m too old for this shit and I’m not wasting anymore time. So I met this guy who, well we really hit it off. I’ll see him again because I like him. He spent the whole time together telling me he couldn’t believe his luck. Is it a line? Time will tell but it’s time to put my faith that whatever I ask for will come to me naturally if I just give the universe a chance.

Today was a different, slightly stronger me. I was different in the office today, more reserved but in a good way. I stuck my head down and worked my arse off. I refocused, I forgot to worry about any of these stupid idiots who start off wanting… well god knows what, and then disappear without a trace.

Did I somehow offend him by being myself? Do I even care? I think actually I don’t. I did for a while, but his coldness is far more offensive than a joke taken the wrong way if that’s what it was, or a girl who finds horror movies a little bit funny, or perhaps even a girl who knows the controls on her motorbike, and points out that it’s the clutch not the break! Lol!

My colleague said that this is something men do to make you miss them, it’s apparently the new technique… well it backfired big style buddy. I’m far too good to be warming the bench, as a big football fan you should know you are mad if you stick your best player on the bench when she’s in her prime. Obviously this game just wasn’t important enough for him to win, and he’s fucking well lost it game set and match.

It’s interesting isn’t it? The turn of events. I wake up in his bed, with some suicidal thoughts, nothing to do with him, that’s just me when the weather changes. I was probably not quite myself that morning, but when you’re battling the daemon that lives inside your head, and it’s not time for sharing, your priorities change. So of course over the weekend I’ve cleansed my house and asked for protection, and low and behold, he’s disappeared. Perhaps it was him after all that I needed protecting from, life has a way of turning out just as you need it as long as you trust that it will.

So I’ve said my goodbyes, it was good to remember that I can feel passion again. And now it can be a gift for someone who actually deserves it. So the guy tonight, a lovely guy. Perhaps a guy I’m meant to share time with. I’m taking it as it comes. Apparently I’m his first date since his ex wife. Time will tell if he’s telling the truth.

There were certainly butterfly’s, he was very open. We talked for hours, he was incredibly honest. I’ve not got any hopes up just yet. The wall is back up but it’s not defensive, just guarded until I know that’s he’s really what I want in my life. Instead of messaging lots of different people, I’ve this time only messaged just one. I’m not gonna continue and swipe anymore, I’m gonna leave it right here and see what this guy does.

Perhaps it’s just time to do this like an adult. Well I kinda always was, but I was merely playing with boys and I’m bored.

So thanks for making me forget, now, so long, enjoy your life, enjoy your choices. I really believed you when you said you don’t play games, I really believed you when you said you don’t sleep around, and now I just don’t believe that you didn’t perhaps stretch the truth just a little. You lost this game, and you don’t get the prize. Go find a princess, she’s probably more your style. This little red head’s got work to do and she can’t be moping over fuck boys like you.

Little Miss Worry Pants

Isn’t it funny when you get that feeling of dread in your stomach that something’s not quite right? So, I’ve been seeing the one who makes me forget for a month now and his text replies are sporadic, he’s already warned me, and to be honest that’s okay… normally… but today, it isn’t. Silly isn’t it?

I guess this is half the problem with today’s dating world, I have no idea what rules anyone is playing by. Some people want commitment straight off the bat, some people assume it’s there so say nothing, others assume it’s not and say nothing, then the rest, you know how it goes. So today I’m in the limbo of, where the heck are we? We’ve kinda had conversations about, can you be good… blah blah… to me that insinuates exclusive, but does it?

Apparently according to the dating blogs, you have to make a man chase you, but I’m really not into that. Apparently the girl should never chase, that’s how to loose a man in sixty seconds, so what the hell do you do when you like a guy, need a bit of reassurance but don’t want to hound him? What ever happened to being able to say it like it is?

The last time I saw him, we had a great night. Neither of us are used to sleeping in a bed with someone else so actually sleeping next to each other was strange. But waking up next to him was lovely.

When I left he was sweet. Oh dear! I have got myself in a mess, I know what I’m doing, I’m overthinking again, and when I do that my imagination goes into overdrive!

I’ve managed to be a bit distracted at least tonight, I did a Tarot for a lady who needed some help. I do every now and again for practice and I love it. I think it really helped her and if the advice of the cards is followed she’s going to be happy. Now I know myself that’s easier said than done… I get readings all the time, I follow the advice until I start to worry again.

I think as my intuition is heightened tonight I’ll do my own reading. My last reading in this guy told me he’s in the process of sorting out his life, but he will do and if he takes things slow not to worry, he definitely is getting feelings too but isn’t going to tell me just yet. I guess we’ll see. It’s hard to tell with an online Tarot reader who is and isn’t genuine, so I do mine live. I want the person to see what I’m seeing and that there’s no trickery here.

My intuition is also telling me to stop worrying. I know in days of darkness, like the last few my inner voice can take over and push my intuition off centre. So I wonder if that’s what’s happened here.

There’s actually no change in behaviour from him, he’s not doing anything different, it’s all me, in my head. It’s different to last time when I really was actually being ignored, I think.

I’m going to take the high of helping someone and put the energy into writing tonight. The book has been a little neglected, perhaps that’s what’s actually getting in the way. I’ve been given advice that I need to learn to do my own thing, and I normally do. So, no more dwelling. What will be will be. If he doesn’t ever text back, well that’s okay, that’s on him. The universe has a funny way of presenting life lessons sometimes, and every now and again it will repeat until you’ve learnt it properly. Perhaps that’s what I need to do. Learn this lesson. I cannot wait forever for someone to contact me, if the universe presents opportunities then I will take them. But until then, perhaps I just need remember that I really am happy being myself, no more changing to become someone I’m not, I’ll walk my path, it meanders a little, if someone’s path crosses or happens to run parallel then great, but I’m not changing it this time…

Taking it slow

So a little over two weeks since we last saw each other because of my holiday and his busy life etc. I saw the one who makes me forget last night. This time I went to his, I’d never been there before so it was a good change. He has a house mate so with the house to himself we seized the opportunity. His house was really nice, not the grotty boy’s share of ‘the one’, in the middle of a nice area, and well decorated I was perhaps a bit relieved. I guess it’s finally nice to meet someone who doesn’t live either with his mother, in a student flat or another city.

I rode over on my motorbike because parking there is at a premium and he helped me to bring it into the front behind the hedge, just in case.

It wasn’t long before we were upstairs, we’d missed each other… even though nobody was going to put that into words… way too soon!

He’d gone to a huge effort preparing food, finding out what I like and was actually a pretty good cook. I’ll be honest I normally hate when someone cooks for me, but that’s just down to a few bad experiences with narcissistic people so this was pretty nice.

We ate, we watched a horror movie, I was happily surprised his reactions to the gore were somewhat like mine, I often find bits in horror movies funny, this normally shocks people, this guy found it funny too. Perhaps I’ve finally found someone who’s sense of humour is as dark as mine… who knows… guess time will tell.

He took me up to the room in the attic, it’s his house mates room but wanted to show me the view across the city, two days after the full moon with little cloud it was a pretty good view. Things got steamy again and we were getting naughty in his house mates room… oops. The funny part was that well… leakage afterwards… luckily we weren’t on the guy’s bed… we were laughing like naughty kids trying to get out of the room and down the stairs without leaving any tell tale signs….

We went to bed neither of us are all that used to sharing a bed with someone so it’s still a bit strange when we do. But we wake up after not the best sleep. I’m still worried he’s going to blame me, but again this is just past experiences that I need to put aside. He never does. It’s funny how you start to be able to pinpoint your insecurities and hopefully fix them once you’re out of the situation that caused the damage to your reactions in the first place.

In the morning we accidentally break his bed, it’s not like it’s a badly made one either, this guy is just strong. We rebuild the broken bit afterwards, laughing.

He makes me breakfast and coffee, we have a bit of time just being together and then I know it’s time to head home. He helps me move my bike out front, bumping into his next door neighbours, they are older but seem nice. She gives me a knowing grin, they must have heard everything. I don’t mind, but I do wonder what they’re thinking. Purely out of curiosity.

It’s my birthday next weekend, but I haven’t told him. I’m not sure I want to, I think it’s too soon to put that kind of pressure on him, so I’ll spend it with friends and my daughter. At least I won’t be meeting anyone’s mother this year!

It’s a funny but nice situation. I’m really having to put the breaks on. This guy seems to have the potential to be everything I want. But it’s clear we have both been hurt before. I don’t know his story just yet, he knows a small bit of mine. It’s funny what hormones do to you in the heat of the moment. I have so nearly blurted feelings that no one is ready for just yet, and it’s taking all my will power to keep it in the box. It’s not stubbornness more worry that if I push for more he’ll run, or I’ll get myself into something that actually isn’t what I want at all and suddenly I’ll be back with the horrible situation I was with the ‘Stand In’. I’ve only known this guy for four weeks. Taking it this slow is a bit new to me, I kind of like it. When I think back to meeting my daughter’s dad, everything happened so quick that there was no time to back out, everything was decided, commitment agreed, we’d moved to a new place all within two weeks. This time there’s just no rush. I have nothing to prove, I don’t need outsiders validation of the situation to make this some sort of official thing, in fact official is perhaps too much at the moment. So apart from here it’s been kept well under my hat. Kind of like a happy little secret, like when you know you’re about to do something but haven’t told anyone yet. It’s way too early to tell if the feelings are purely those of hormones when I see him or real. I think before with every other guy it’s been hormones alone and that’s how it’s fizzled out and the panic set in. Living with someone again scares me. I had wanted to live with ‘the one’ but I think it was for all the wrong reasons. Even when he’d asked once if he lost his flat share could he stay I’d said yes and then thought about it and started to worry about what that meant in reality. I’m happy to leave this a while and see where it goes. We certainly have fun and perhaps fun is where it will end. I’m going to let him take the lead, one thing I’ve learnt is that men seem to prefer that. If I sit back and let him perhaps it’ll lead somewhere good, and if not that’s fine too, I’m not going to waste my energy on something if it wasn’t meant to be anymore…

Fairy tale…

Perhaps this is the beginning of a beautiful story, perhaps it’s the beginning of a beautiful tragedy, but either way it feels beautiful right now and I’m enjoying the moments as the story unfolds. The one that makes me forget is making the beautiful story happen, writing each page of the very first chapter. He’s not charming or sickly, I wouldn’t be able to stand that, he’s slightly nervous and this makes him adorable. But his brown eyes tell me there’s more inside than he’s letting on just yet.

He was initially planning to take me for lunch but has accidentally double booked himself, he’d promised his mum they would go and see a new baby cousin, I was more than happy to step aside and not apply pressure because well, family comes first especially when you’ve only known someone a week. But he was apologetic and even though he was tired, wanted to take me out later and so he arrived straight from seeing his family and was waiting outside in his car. I had made my usual effort, wearing a dress that’s my favourite but a few years old, my big scruffy brown boots with a cute little hair band with butterflies. As I got into the car, he beamed a huge smile and told me that I looked Stunning. He apologised for not being dressed up, but I thought he was perfect, all I needed was his smile. Perhaps this is something that’s has been missing before, nobody has ever smiled at me in this way before, perhaps my appearance was just taken for granted, this guy made me feel beautiful and I think that the reaction made me glow even more.

He’s picked out a place that he’s heard good things about, just on the outskirts, it’s exciting and new. Yeah I’ve had dates where I’ve been taken to restaurants and pubs before but I think there was something better this time, he hadn’t just picked his usual haunts, a place he knew well, he’d gone to the effort of finding somewhere to experience with me for the first time, It felt special.

I comment on the chilled out music in his car and laughed at the contrast from the music I had just been listening to, very loud ska. He changes the track but I tell him I didn’t want that, we’d already agreed whoever is driving gets to pick the tunes. We both laugh about Friday and he finds a random mix. We talk about singing, he says he can’t sing, but I don’t quite believe him, the intonations in his voice indicate the potential. I watch him as he drives, he’s the right kind of sexy for me, there’s nothing pretentious about this man sat beside me, he’s honest and sweet, he just wants to make me happy.

We get to the place and it’s bucketing down, he reassures me he has an umbrella in his car, he’s forgotten it, but I don’t care, I hold my jacket above my head to keep dry, I think he’s starting to see that I don’t care about the silly stuff, there’s more to life than staying dry.

We order food, and he kisses me across the table, we both giggle that it’s a family pub, the kiss is passionate, if we were alone it would lead to much more.

We eat and we talk, we share food, we laugh, he talks about dates that he wants to take me on, things that we should do together, he’s full of surprises and I trust him, I know that this guy will do the things he has said. I offer to pay my way but he won’t have it, so we agree next time is my turn and I’m happy. We can be equal, nothing is awkward we’re just going with the flow.

We drive home still talking, I accidentally let slip I hadn’t been intending to have a relationship with anyone till just now, we both become bashful, I point out the stables as we drive past, we both laugh because we’re both avoiding the massive elephant in the back of the car, but it’s not time for the elephant to come out just yet.

We get back to my house, my dogs instantly recognise him and want to say hi. They listen to his commands already, they do what he says, they trust him. I rely on my dogs, they know who’s good for me. They seem to have picked this one.

We go upstairs even though he can’t stay tonight he wants to spend some time with me before he has to go. I take off my dress, he likes what he sees he makes me feel beautiful there’s a lingering look each time we make eye contact. There’s urgency, he knows what I need and he does it just knowing perhaps it’s all just the way he looks at me, I don’t know but each moment I’ve spent with him he gets it so right.

As we lay on the bed, we talk about stuff, we mess about, we joke. I tell him he’s making me happy, he says “thank you”, then face palms himself, and says “I’m such and idiot”. He kisses me to remove the awkwardness of his inability to communicate feelings just yet. But the kiss tells me everything I needed to know. He has to go but he stays a bit longer. The moment feels perfect laying across my bed. We talk about how we would never have met if it wasn’t for the dating site on which we’d found each other. Even though we both have friends and acquaintances in common. I tell him that I was drawn to his smile, he tells me he liked the colour of my hair. We laughed about the opening lines we both wrote. We just lay on the bed and hugged some more till it really was time for him to go. We kiss on the doorstep, as each one ends we start another he steps back then comes back for a last then another. I wave coyly as he walks to his car turning for one last look then I shut the door and smile to myself.

Just over a week, the fairy tale has started. The excitement I guess is whether it will be Grimm or Anderson. But it’s a story none the less dear reader. A story with promise and it’s writing itself, the protagonists both a little shy still just yet, perhaps Tinderella has met her prince who is adorably uncharming…

I think I forgot

Isn’t it funny how stuff changes so quickly. A month ago, no a week ago at this time I was feeling terrible, thinking that there was no point trying anymore. I’d spent half the night with Mr Clingy 3, made my excuses at 3am after falling asleep because I just wanted to be alone. His clingyness was suffocating already and I could feel my independence being sucked away with every breath as I lay there in his bed, wishing I had stayed at home, the disappointment in myself, the offerings of the universe and the online profile that told so little of the story. I woke up that morning in my own bed to a barrage of texts asking when we could wake up together and similar stuff and just felt tired of everything.

I had the date planned for that night and was feeling like there was just no point, almost cancelled, thought he’d probably not turn up anyway. Then I met him and the feelings began, the feelings that I had locked away in a box. The ones I swore would not happen again because they only get hurt so best keep them safe. Perhaps they will, who knows but I don’t care, I remember that it’s okay to feel and it’s better that way, even if it ends in disaster like last time and before and before again, it’s worth it.

So I’ve seen him again already this week, and last night he turns up after a night with his friends, telling me everyone was flagging and he was horny so he wanted to come over. He was adorably drunk, cute and hilarious. Not like one before who would scare me so much when he came home loud, full of accusations of people doing things they shouldn’t when perhaps he had been as well…. so people tell me.

So this guy I’ve met less than a week ago, turns up in a state that I would have feared before but he’s sweet, he’s apologetic, he’s caring and funny. I’m prepared of course because he told me he was coming, my PJs discarded for something more appropriate, we have fun, my bed needs rebuilding, he’s strong and the momentum from the last two nights he has spent here are showing already…

He tells me he appreciates the effort I make whenever we meet as we lie on my bed and I forget about the past even more. Mid flight he asks why the hell I am single and I ask him the same, and we both just laugh. We are different in lots of things yet deep down the same. My love of metal, his love of all things trance and dance and rave, but deep down it’s the base that we both seem to be drawn to. We flick through Spotify and reminisce about bands from the past playing guessing games to see if the other knows who it is. I loose every time but appreciate the new tracks he’s teaching me I might just like, my mind is open to new ideas and he’s willing to provide them.

I tell him he’s dangerous, I might fall for him, he looks sheepish, I’m scared that he’s running already, but he doesn’t, he stays and hugs just that bit tighter. He tells me I’m hot, he does everything I want just knowing somehow. As we lie on my bed talking, just being we talk about happiness being the thing that both of us have wanted out of life. He’s scared he’s not ambitious enough for me, I tell him he’s wrong because he’s just the right balance.

He asks about my work, I tell him, but get scared I’m going into far too much detail, he asks me for more, he’s actually interested, I’m so scared he sees just a geeky bore who talks about things that only exist in the ether, the things that I work with have no tangible substance apart from the pictures I draw to explain. But he wants to know more, he knows more than he thinks, he doesn’t do his intellect justice. I ask about his day and he makes me laugh with his situations of things that have happened at work, his thoughts on people, what they do, their motivations and how he deals with them. We lie and just chill, he runs his fingers up and down my spine as he drunkenly bumbles stuff and things and slaps my arse and tells me he likes it. There is no coldness in this man, no switching off, he’s an open book, I trust him already. We talk about balance, beliefs, everything and anything. There is more in that mind of his I’m discovering layer by layer as he relaxes and reveals more and more.

He lets slip that he left his friends to come see me and I’m secretly pleased, I feel like I’ve been chosen.

We seem to be in similar situations, having come out of relationships living together with the other that didn’t work out and now we both seem to be on the same page when it comes to needing space and time alone because we are both very much our own people in ourselves, there’s no need for the other to make either feel complete, two whole people living two full lives a little closer together but still both our own.

We sleep, we wake up, we sleep some more, we drink coffee and chill, we talk some more. He goes home because we both have things to do today. His welcome intrusion of my space and time making the weekend feel so much better already. I’m scared a little, I’m not ready to hope or dream just yet. But that’s okay, slow is what I need.

The universe always has something in store when something we’re used to but isn’t quite right goes away. Each time it’s something or someone better than you knew existed before. The guy who on paper perhaps isn’t my type is perhaps everything I’ve been missing. Perhaps it’s the same for him. The slightly younger than me but older than the others guy, has done his time finding his place in the world, there’s no angst remaining only good feelings he’s been there and done it and is ready to be the man I might need. But it’s less than a week and too early to tell, I guess we’ll see how the story unfolds…