All the choice but…

So not long after being back out there I’ve come across a lot of choices but none are quite what I want. Probably because really there’s only one I want but that’s the one that I can’t have. There’s not one man I’ve met that’s been able to make me forget all about him.

Tonight was exactly the same. I met a sweet guy, really lovely and he wants more and I just can’t give him that. Every touch was different, everything was not right. He laughed at my jokes but couldn’t banter. He didn’t quite get the things I like or dislike and he tried so hard. I know this guy is the type that would do anything to make his girl happy. He was willing to learn about all the stuff I love but the foundation wasn’t there. Different music taste, different humour, different everything. Fit but too skinny. Into his extreme sports but not able to explain his enthusiasm.

He would have been one to try so hard but he just wouldn’t have been able to replace him. And that’s the problem, right now it’s all about replacing him. I don’t want to mould someone into something they’re not. I just wanted the person who is what I want.

I went to meet him with determination, I told myself this time it would be the right one. This time I wanted to meet this guy, I’d picked him. But when I got there he wasn’t the man I’d picked, just a shadow of the one I’d lost.

Dating sites are a little bit like the Wild West, you get hounded on some by guys who hope your self esteem is low enough to make you allow them near. Back 2 years ago it would have been for some, but not now.

I guess it’s like when you fall of a horse and you have to get back on or you never will, the longer you leave it the harder it gets. At the end of every date I tell myself I’m giving up. I’m not going to bother anymore. There is one guy and I’ve fallen for him hard but I can have him anymore because he’s decided he’s not right for me. His letting me go in his eyes a sign of how much he loved me, which let’s face it is fucked up in itself. If you have a precious diamond you don’t throw it away so you can’t loose it, you keep it safe and look after it. Why can’t some men get that? The fear of loosing someone makes them run away and hurts you and them in the process so neither of you are happy.

So after the guy tonight trying his hardest, as I lay in his arms with my head on his chest, him treating me like a queen. In my mind I screamed to the one to come back. To make it right again. To watch Archer in bed, to tell me about the random things in his head, to act like the moron that makes me laugh and this time forget about running away. You see, some of it was his insecurities that I’d find someone better and leave him without warning. But now I can have any man that I want I’m proving he had nothing to worry about, there are none that I want, and the ones who are there for more than a fling make the whole situation worse. There wasn’t any danger of me doing the things that he feared the most.

My tarot says this is the universe helping me to understand exactly what it is I want so I don’t make the wrong choice again when I do. I hope it’s right. I guess I just have to keep trusting that the plans for me will be good. Spells are tempting but I don’t want to touch them, I’d rather he was here of his own free will.

I have one more date planned and after that I think I’m going to leave it for a while. Whilst I’m always very honest that I’m really not looking for anything serious right now, the pressure, the messages, the second date invites make it worse because it’s beginning and the guilt sets in. Not because it’s a one night stand, sex and love is easy to separate, but because they want to break down the walls, to conquer to possess, and I can’t let that happen when my heart belongs somewhere else.

Perhaps tomorrow will change my mind, who knows? But I have my doubts. I worry today about getting older and wasting time and the confidence I’ve only just found on being alone while it withers away. Perhaps that’s why I do what I do, because you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I’ll place my feelings back in that box for a while I think and lock it back up so they can’t get hurt. Not hurt by the others, you understand, but more hurt by the fact the others are not what I really want. I’ll keep them safe for a rainy day.

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Is he for real??!?

So 3 weeks… I think it’s 3 weeks, after the one ended it saying “I don’t want any ties” I’m back to confidence on a dating site that isn’t Tinder swiping through eligible bachelors to only see… yep you guessed it… him! Back out there trying to find a woman. Okay so I’m doing the same but I wasn’t the one who ended it saying I didn’t want ties. I was the one trying to make it work whilst he couldn’t be fucked to leave his dismal flat. Clearly this guy just wanted a fuck buddy and not a girlfriend. I start to wonder. No social media posts about relationships, didn’t like holding hands in public, very rarely did we actually go anywhere. My mind was racing. Still wondering.

Okay so this inadequate guy didn’t really want a relationship but struggled to actually let me go. Would tell me I was his etc. But actually he wanted the benefits of me without being committed to him but not the commitment on his part and probably the freedom to see other people if he felt like it. I hate when people are so dishonest, just say what you want and don’t lead people on.

This is the guy who last year when he saw I was in a seemingly happy relationship waded right back in there because “he missed me”. Okay I would have ended it with the Stand In anyway but that’s not the point. He just didn’t like that I wasn’t his anymore and someone else was there.

Soon as he got me back… well we’ve all read that history. So this guy gets a trip to Rome paid for by me, passport because he’s so fucking useless sorted by me, breaks up with me on the last night… usual shit, and then we’re back together after he tells me he is feeling lost blah blah. On his 29th birthday he’s thinking of ending his life apparently because he thinks he’s a failure. Of course dumb little me is there saying don’t be silly, building him up when actually he really didn’t deserve it should have told him to man the fuck up.

I can’t help but wonder if he’d been doing this all along, would explain his lack of “performance” the last time when he came over, ate free food then fucked off.

This guy clearly has massive issues and needs women chasing him but can’t actually handle committing to anyone. Well let him carry on! I hope he gets as hurt as the hurt I’ve felt because of him. I’m not going to do anything to get revenge, tempting though that may be. No point cursing someone, you only get that back times 3 and he’s not worth that. Karma will totally get the fucker.

My best answer is silence. I’ve blocked as many means for him to communicate as I can think of even though I continue to care for one of his pets… a favour he asked of me and I was so happy to oblige, thinking this was him finally showing the beginnings of trust and commitment, I’ll continue to care because it’s not that poor animals fault. I’m kinda attached to him now and he’s starting to thrive again in my care and actually since it’s a snake the metaphor is pretty clear! I realise his request was not really about showing trust, it was just a way to load off an inconvenience for him to someone stupid enough to say yes.

Then again this guy has never had a job, he’s had his own business from uni. Didn’t pay for uni, parents appear to bail him out constantly. This is effectively a child living part of an adults life. That’s not for me. Much as I like to be immature, I can pay my way and when shit needs handling I roll up my sleeves and face it head on!

Me at 29, had a job, a car, a 6 year old to care for, my own place paid for by the hard earned graft of me and my daughter’s dad. Whilst We still lived together We we’re both putting in the graft to keep us afloat. I would never have dreamed of asking for help.

On the other hand this is the guy who regularly goes back to mummy’s house to hide and eat all her food whilst she’s on holiday.

I’m done with overgrown children. I have a real one of my own to look after. I can’t help but wonder if his “distance” was all about he was seeing other people. So there we go! The so called nice guy who would “never cheat” because it apparently traumatised him when it happened to him knows absolutely nothing of the real pain of it happening in a real relationship when you have a child to look after, lesson learnt there… your intuition is very strong, the words they say mean nothing when your intuition is ringing alarm bells! This has been proven time and time again.

Is it too much to ask that a guy treats you with respect? Especially when you’ve done nothing but be supportive and understanding, helped him out when he’s asked? No it isn’t. This guy belongs on the big burning pile of ex’s that deserve to rot.

I don’t wish him a nice life anymore, I wish him the life he deserves… let karma sort him out.

Rant over lol!

Twin Flame Phenomenon

I’ve read a lot about twin flames, soul mates, life lessons and learning experiences that eventually lead you to your final place of happiness. It’s no secret as you can read from my previous posts that I have a belief in these things and life in the hope of reaching that point in my life. Perhaps that’s what being Tinderella is all about, the search for the one who makes you complete.

Whether it’s that metaphorical piece of red yarn that ties you both together even when you’re apart, the longing for the soul that makes yours feel full or just that kindred spirit feeling that the physical experiences of life cannot replace. We all feel it somewhere, somehow regardless of which system of belief or non-belief we choose to follow.

This is where I start to wonder what it’s all about, why am I here and what am I doing? So far there is only one person I’ve met who seems to be able to prove that connection is true for me. It’s no surprise that I miss him even though I try not to.

My 15 years with my ex proved to me and him that the unhappiness of trying to make it work caused by just settling was exhausting so we parted ways. The unhappiness manifested in both of us as we grew apart day by day, contempt growing in the place of that initial feeling of love that wasn’t really love at all, just the hope of someone who could take away the pain of not fitting in, being lonely in life.

I think I’ve reached the conclusion date after date that there is no point investing the time if you don’t feel that connection instantly. There are so many guys who tick all the right boxes but I just can’t feel anything for them, it’s as if the universe is telling me this isn’t my path, you deserve the twin flame you were born so many times to meet.

Perhaps it’s just the heartbreak of hopes dashed that leaves me unable to let anyone in for real, you can go through the motions, have a good time but it’s empty because your soul knows there’s something planned for you and this isn’t it. So I’m filling my time with something more mine, writing, getting fit, being creative and of course being the best mum that I can be.

It goes deeper than physical attraction, you can feel this person’s emotions, they don’t even have to contact you for you to know. Many people who’ve experienced this say the initial meeting creates a flushing of your negative energy that causes ructions and makes one or the other run. Yes I’ve been there time and time again with ‘the one’ every past hurt whether in this life or the thousands before come rushing to the surface in order to be cleared ready for the fresh newness of reconnecting.

It’s a funny thing, it’s mind blowing but you just know and if you don’t know how to handle it, has the potential to open wounds you never knew you had before they opened up again. Here’s the thing, in my belief in twin flames and soul mates I will have know this person before, and will have suffered or caused hurt with this soul before, when you meet, those memories come back even if you’re not aware of what it is, the feelings created by them do.

There is one person I’ve felt this connection with. And the strange thing is I do sometimes get feelings that he’s experiencing when we’ve not talked in a while. I know when something’s up, when he’s depressed, when he’s happy. I can have a memory that’s more than a memory of holding his hand, like the physical contact still exists even though it’s not there right now. It’s not something I get with anyone else I’ve met. You have a group of soul mates, in my group one is my late grandfather, he was my father once before so I’m told, we were very close when he was alive and have been close since his death, he is always here and he lets me know when I’m feeling distressed to comfort me that I’m not alone, I often smell his cigar smoke in these moments, even though no one smokes in my house. He looks over me and my daughter. My daughter used to tell us about the nice man in the corner of her room. A few years later looking at a family photo my dad had posted on social media, my daughter pointed to my grandfather without any prompting and said, that’s the man, he’s always there smiling at me. Because I’ve never encouraged my daughter to close her mind to the unknown or be scared of it she still does see him, I only sense him when he’s here.

My daughter is also in my soul mate group, we could have been sisters or mother and daughter the other way round many many times. This is how I know her thoughts when I open up and listen.

The twin flame, the one, is a painful loss that I know I can’t replace but know will also be back at some point. My only task is to remove negativity from my life, so that all he will see is the joy that being back will give. These parting times are only here to test your bonds when it’s the right person. Date people, have friends, do everything you would want to do with your life, fill it up with fun because that’s how they know it’s time to come back and the running and chasing phenomenon ends and true happiness begins. The hard part is not waiting, the more you wait, the more you clear your life for their return, the harder it is for them to see a reason to come back. No one wants emptiness. It may be this life or the next, who knows, the universe is the judge of when that can be.

The relief of not missing you

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When people first read this their initial thought is happily ever after, but actually for me it was the opposite. This was something I saw towards the end of the relationship with the guy we refer to as “the one” and struck a chord with me. In spite of my efforts to bridge the gap and see him regularly he was “too busy”, “working too hard”, feeling stressed etc. He’d gone into himself and would leave me with “soon” or “maybe” and kept me hanging there whilst my heart was slowly breaking. I trusted him, and know his reasons weren’t because he’d found someone else, he’s not that type of guy, he’s more they type that fears the gravity of commitment and so runs and hides. See this guy wanted to be single but have the comfort sometimes of someone there but could give nothing back.

For me this picture actually meant “I can’t wait till I’m properly over you” Not because I hated him or anything like that, more because I didn’t like the feeling of constantly being let down, feeling insecure like he was about to abandon me again as he had before. This time is less than a week on and I’m actually feeling okay. I think I managed to get the grief of it out quickly in the first couple of days and got to the point I am at now where I can look at things on the internet that remind me of him without feeling that sudden pang of heartache. Earlier scrolling though my Facebook feed I saw lots of little clips that normally one of us would have shared with the other and felt more a fondness about how I would have shared it with him or he would have sent it to me but there was no sudden panic that he was gone, or devastation as I’d felt so many times before. Perhaps I really am finally over him? I’m starting to feel as I do with my daughter’s dad, not really all that much anymore. The fear of losing him has gone and the fear of him coming back and hurting me all over again has also gone. At this moment I feel if he came back I’d most likely say no. I don’t think I’m willing to feel that amount of hurt again. Perhaps I’ve really actually learnt to value my needs above those of someone who doesn’t, let face it I’m not his mum so why was I giving love so unconditionally for him to take it as he pleased?

It’s not really a case that I don’t care about him, I’ll always care that he’s okay because he’s actually a nice person who is just a bit confused. I’m starting to feel if he does or has found someone else then that’s okay. There’s a slight tinge of “Please don’t hurt anyone else the way you’ve hurt me” but other than that I’m just not that bothered. I’m finally free of feeling like I need him. Perhaps it’ll all come crashing down tomorrow, but I really think it won’t.

So today I’m antidepressant free, I don’t think I need them anymore, I’m feeling good. Perhaps there’s a life lesson I’ve managed to learn here; when I met him I was lost, alone, severely depressed and struggling to find my identity. I’d not been myself for 15 years, if not longer. I had no idea how to be on my own, no idea who I was or what the hell I wanted in life. I was scared, I did not know how to be single, I hadn’t been single since I was 18. At that young age and earlier I had the misconception that you had to have a boyfriend otherwise you weren’t valued or lovable. The idea of being a single mother scared the hell out of me hence I never left my daughter’s dad, plus the fear of the unknown kept us stuck trying to make it work, I excused the misdemeanours and kept on trying. I really did believe that if I was single then I had failed. I think this comes from growing up and boys not finding me attractive. Or at least thinking that when I was growing up because boys never asked me out ever! I learn now that that’s because I was actually a bit scary, I was confident outwardly and also a bit of a tomboy so boys didn’t feel they could ask me out.

Isn’t it funny… I grew up thinking I couldn’t get a boyfriend so I stuck with with one even though we’d probably both fallen out of love because we were scared of being alone. Now… it didn’t work out with one I really did love, but I’m okay about it. I get asked out on a date most days by someone, what with messages from new work colleagues, men in the street approaching me, getting chatted up in coffee shops, it appears I can pick and choose something I never ever thought would happen to me. Although this time I’ve not actually met one I’d happily date and it’s okay, I’m doing just great on my own…

Memes we can relate to

Why have I got to have a billion emotions everyday?

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When you see a read receipt then they go offline…

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Me getting my heart broken over and over again

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How I feel all the time, either I never see him or I miss him because it’s over

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I just don’t get this dating game at all!?! Exclusive but not his girlfriend, together but not public

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When you just can’t get the stupid man out of your head but you’re so happy when you get to see him

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Why do I always break these rules?!?

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Hold your head up girl, never beg a man to be with you, if he’s leaving, he really isn’t all that

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Just remember this and give yourself a hug, you are awesome and he didn’t deserve you

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The last goodbye

Sometimes you can’t hold on to someone no matter how hard you try. Sometimes your efforts to be the person you feel they deserve makes you bend and push and distort yourself to the point you’re just not sure who you are anymore.

Sometimes dreams die and you should grieve them like a real death. It’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be human. People make promises and break them, they meant them when they made them they just couldn’t live with the gravity of what they promised.

He said he didn’t want any ties. He’d been to visit friends who had just got engaged after traveling the world, our life long dream that we couldn’t have, well not right now perhaps one day but it was too much for him to feel the disappointed of another shattered dream of so many dreams he’d had that were shattered and so he set me free.

I never wanted to become a wife, not before I had met him. I never understood what marriage could have meant before I met him. I waited so long for him to become himself again. I waited for the promises of soon and one day but they didn’t come, he gave up instead.

Dont let your heart rule your head they always say, but then follow your heart they say too. Here we sit at opposite ends, me following my heart, his head ruling and his head winning.

The loss is like a hole, it’s cavernous inside my soul where the soul mate that once lived has taken himself away.

Whilst I want to love again I’m not sure I can. Everything ends in goodbye one day whether you are the one leaving or the one being left behind living with the loss.

There is no other way than to grieve the death of the dreams and bury them deep in the ground cremated letting them go back into the universe like a wish that the dreams will one day be fulfilled.

Sometimes these dreams were just a glimps of the future dreams you can’t have yet. I won’t give up, I’ll find new dreams one day and pursue them with an open heart, when these dreams that I had are truly dead and buried to be reborn as something new.

Open Letter to The One

The one…

It’s amazing how a quick swipe right can change your life to the point that you can’t remember the life before. I didn’t think you’d turn up, our first date was impulsive, last minute with a sense of urgency, something told me I had to meet you and couldn’t wait around for getting to know you online. I don’t know why. I’d used that app two weeks before, lost and lonely and I know we matched then too, but I was too scared of my future that that point and deleted my profile without a second thought. It didn’t dawn on me that we’d matched before when we matched for real that first time.

You were late, I was early, it was late, I had never done this before, you were my first real date. As we talked and discovered we were two people identical in so many ways I worried about the complications that my former life brought and if you would stay or run.

The feelings, they happened so quick, I didn’t have time to understand and then life got complicated and you got distant and so we split. I was too insecure, I needed help and so I got help. Each day thinking you were gone from my life I missed you, your place in my heart was there forever and I couldn’t erase you, I tried but I couldn’t. As my friends said you were silly and I laughed and said you were not for me “onwards and upwards”, made excuses for why it was never going to happen, inside I disagreed, my friends knew this too, I can never hide my emotions.

So I dated, carried on, met people who just weren’t you, hurt each time because it felt like I was cheating somehow I guess the heart never lies no matter how hard you try to lie to yourself, logic for the logical girl like me couldn’t undo the feelings, feelings just aren’t logic. When you invited me over that first time, a month after we split, on my way home from work, I had changed, was more relaxed, I told you I was good. I went to show myself that I only missed you because I wanted what I couldn’t have and when I saw you it would be different. I had a boyfriend, this would be closure. But it wasn’t, we spoke, we kissed we… but I was to leave and not see you for a while, although my messages probably pleading that we try probably pushed you away further.

We both said we had no one special that day, you laughed I’d tried dating again, you didn’t seem jealous, were you? I was. But then I think, the “no-one special” in my life that day, was he the same as the “no-one special” in your life too? Just a gap filler to mask the pain of never having you in my life again and the dreams so vivid that were lost replaced with dreams of grey, except for the ones with you that came in my slumber when I needed you most. when I told you I missed the dreams we had that others would think were silly but meant so much to me of rescuing sloths, owning a zoo and travelling the world and you told me I was free to make new, better dreams with someone who could look after me, I screamed inside because you just couldn’t see that I didn’t want any dreams if they weren’t with you. Even in the dreams of my own accomplishments you would be there in my life in spirit.

Each time I saw you in the time in between it felt like it was right, it didn’t feel like cheating, I couldn’t settle for anyone else, I didn’t want anyone else, everyone else felt like cheating on you. And then you came back, me in a relationship that was not going to happen, with the cheap replacement that had at first seemed like an older version of you, a person I should be with, everyone told me so for the sake of my family life, the “Step-in-dad” that would fill the gaps for my child. They were wrong, that’s not what we needed. And I ended it to be with you because you were what I wanted. With my child’s encouragement because she knows that I am happy when you are in my life.

As we lay in my bed and I held you through your pain and you opened up to me about life in ways you had kept secret from me before, I felt so honoured that you had been able to share with me the things that were going through your head. I only hoped my reassurance helped, that you would see the man I see when I look at you because that man is wonderful in every single way.

In my distressing months with my career feeling so much in limbo you helped me hold it together, mostly from afar but that’s what I needed. You were my rock even though you have absolutely no idea because you still don’t believe in the man that I see. As we cried on the plane, holding hands because you had set me free on our last day in Rome I couldn’t hate you because I knew that your reasons were unselfish and you cared, but didn’t believe in the man that I see. I loved you more, your actions showed me that you were so far from the narcissistic man you joked that you were, your self deprecating image of yourself that was so far from the truth if you could only just see. That kiss in the car outside your place, that I thought would be our very last, I told myself would be our very last kiss, I didn’t want to believe would be our very last kiss. I felt the pain in you as you told yourself you were doing the right thing. You had said if your life was not such a mess you would be with me forever and it was your fault not mine, I hated that you felt that way about yourself, if you could only see what I saw instead.

The two weeks without you, thinking you were really gone, I read tarot after tarot that told me you were not, but had been disappointed before and so in despair I resigned myself to no more love. I just couldn’t do it, I wanted it but only with you, the physical distractions that I had taken solace in the last time didn’t interest me and the idea of anyone else distressed me further, so I hoped and asked the universe to help me find my way and it led me back to you.

So here we are again, I have thrown away ideas of make or break, I realise now it’s not logical and logic won’t solve the mysteries of intuition. The lifescape ahead will get rough sometimes but if there is any certainty in my life that certainty is you. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together in the way that others are, but I’m okay with that because what I have with you is what I need. I never dared to believe in soul mates before because the disappointment in spending my life without ever meeting mine in the life I had before you was too painful to acknowledge. Now that we have, it feels like there was never a time when we weren’t together somehow, it’s just that we hadn’t found each other till the fateful day that we both swiped right.

When I take away the worry of losing you again I feel free because I know that no matter what happens, the universe will always lead me straight back to you.

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