Nothing

There are days that you don’t cross my mind at all, then there are the days when I can’t get you out of my mind and the harder I try the more you are there. It just goes to prove that I still haven’t fully moved on perhaps. The days in between the days that you plague me get longer and more frequent, but it takes only a day with you there in my thoughts to bring me back to the place I was before.

The stupid reminders that take me by surprise are the ones that make it hardest. That song on the album that we listened to in my car and both sang along, that meme that you sent me when it pops up on my feed, or that video of the sloth or the otters on the Lad Bible page. And I start to feel afraid of coming across the things that we loved together. Were you even real? Was any of it real? I don’t have the energy to consider if it was or wasn’t, and perhaps it just doesn’t even matter anymore.

Now is the time when you got back in touch last year and we started again. Now is the time when you lay next to me and told me the thoughts in your head. Still tears don’t come, I haven’t cried since that day in July when we split. There are days when I felt like crying but couldn’t, the closest I’ve come is that empty feeling and the welling but still nothing comes. Am I dead inside? Probably. The life and soul of the party in public behind closed doors is a big ball of melancholy, only sometimes but today it is here.

I’m not really sure how you came here today, a conversation with a friend perhaps about being odd, and I remembered as my mind carelessly wandered without it’s tight leash, that we were weird and proud together and going to take over the world, and so it began. I don’t miss you mostly, but then I do. Those sneaky moments when I’m unaware and you take over my thoughts like a thief slowly trickling till more is consumed and I can’t get you out.

This didn’t exist with the man I had been with for so many years, when he was gone I was happy and done. When he was gone I was free, my mind fresh and the newness of life to come had promises, surprises and better to come. But in your desperation to run away, and I understand why, you left Just a small part taking some of mine, the connection is there and it’s hard to ignore. When each time we spoke after some kind of break you expected me to have forgotten, expected me to move on, and I wanted to, but somehow didn’t. This is not quite that same as the loss of your first love, it doesn’t consume like that of the delicate teenage mind searing with the pain of loneliness, more the dull ache of the bones affected by the weather, the pain that has no centre, it’s just simply there.

But I know that even if you were capable of being, you couldn’t have been the right one. It was circumstance that you happened to be the first love after the bad times, and so my hope pinned, my feelings hooked, was it even love at all or just the wanting of something I could never have? As the lyrics say, grey would be the colour if I had a heart, and it is grey and muted, perhaps it’s gone. Because that’s the part you exited my life with, was it all? Or just some? Perhaps just a part, leaving the rest so grey and dead. And so absent of feelings, absent of tears, emptiness is temptingly peaceful because there you do not reside, in the empty there is nothing and nothing seems good from the noise of the thoughts. I’ll take nothing over anything, nothing over you, nothing.

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I Surrender

So I gave myself the space the think. After Thursdays date which I’m now glad nothing much other than a drink and a goodnight kiss happened, I’ve decided that guy wasn’t for me, and guess what, rather than keeping him hanging, I’ve told him already. I’m not waiting for the one who makes me forget to come back either. If he does, we’ll see. If he doesn’t his loss.

I kinda think that after everything that’s happened it’s time to give it a rest. Time to stop worrying about finding the right person because when I do it’s either a guy who I like but he’s too immature to tell me straight what he wants, or plays games, or it’s a guy who’s just so lonely and desperate that he starts to get stalky and I don’t want either of these things.

I kind of wonder if this is the loneliness that is a strong woman’s lot. You meet a guy on a dating app, he’s either bigged himself up because he’s insecure, or hidden everything about himself because he’s insecure too. You’re downright honest and upfront, you tell him about yourself, and he either thinks, “well I can’t compete” or “I’ll have a damned good go”.

The guys on Elite Dating, well they are in no way elite, they’re on every other dating app too.

This is the thing, it’s the same shit, different app. Perhaps actually you can meet someone organically. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to really leave it to the universe and not technology. I don’t want these experiences to make me cynical but it’s starting to happen so it’s time to stop.

Perhaps I’m just too lazy in my old age. Perhaps more it’s just I’m too old for this shit! If there’s gonna be a guy he’ll have his shit together and will damned well tell me!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I turn 38! Scary isn’t it? Getting older can make you feel really insecure. I know that single guys without kids are looking to have them, and sometimes I think it’s my age that puts them off. ‘The one’ split up with me for that reason once, it hurt so much. He was the person I was willing to put my body through that again for, but he didn’t want to put me through it. There’s nothing like being told you’re perfect but you’re too old. The dumb thing is I’m probably biologically younger than most of the girls he’s dated because I take the time to look after myself. I wear sunscreen every day, I drink lots of water, I eat right. The turns you’ve had around the sun really don’t mean all that much.

I’m still undecided about whether I’d have children again. It’s not a burning desire right now, and the idea of putting another first for another 18 years after I’ve already done that since I was young is a decision I’d really have to consider, but with the right guy I would. Perhaps the one who made me forget who was clearly going to make a good dad one day had decided that I wouldn’t and that was his problem, perhaps we’ll just never know.

Perhaps the fact I already have a teenage daughter put him off. Some men assume that responsibility will fall on them and they don’t want that, when it’s not even what me or my daughter want either.

So I sent him one last text, I kinda know in my heart he’ll never reply. It was a bit of a long one along the gist of I’m sorry, I wish him well, I’m confused what happened, I hope he’s okay. Too needy, probably. I have no idea how to play these games so I just don’t play them. I loose when I do so I just don’t contend.

Perhaps that’s half the issue, everyone else is playing games too. So when you meet a guy and you don’t play games, because the last one did, he has no idea whether you’re telling the truth or not. The last one ruins it for the new one and it’s a vicious circle.

I went out with a friend last night who is becoming a good friend. He’s had similar problems and also kinda gave up. It’s really just sad that you get to the point where you feel that way. Your bright blue butterflies turn into drab brown moths because you’re expecting the worst and so attract that instead.

So I hold my hands up! I quit! I’m waving the white flag of surrender! I’m not looking for a one night stand, I don’t think I ever really was, boredom and my insecurities led me down that path a few times in the past. Sometimes you do that because you feel the need to prove you’ve still got it, sad really. The guys who send dick pics can really all fuck off. What leads a man the think that’s acceptable? I don’t know? You’re talking and then… oh there it is… yes we’ve all played at sexting and sometimes it’s fun, but when you make out you want something different and then change the tune so suddenly it’s just down right creepy.

Time to take some alone time, time to concentrate on home, ramp up my career further and stop procrastinating.

Being a lonely queen is better than being lumbered with the court jester for eternal company…

All the choice but…

So not long after being back out there I’ve come across a lot of choices but none are quite what I want. Probably because really there’s only one I want but that’s the one that I can’t have. There’s not one man I’ve met that’s been able to make me forget all about him.

Tonight was exactly the same. I met a sweet guy, really lovely and he wants more and I just can’t give him that. Every touch was different, everything was not right. He laughed at my jokes but couldn’t banter. He didn’t quite get the things I like or dislike and he tried so hard. I know this guy is the type that would do anything to make his girl happy. He was willing to learn about all the stuff I love but the foundation wasn’t there. Different music taste, different humour, different everything. Fit but too skinny. Into his extreme sports but not able to explain his enthusiasm.

He would have been one to try so hard but he just wouldn’t have been able to replace him. And that’s the problem, right now it’s all about replacing him. I don’t want to mould someone into something they’re not. I just wanted the person who is what I want.

I went to meet him with determination, I told myself this time it would be the right one. This time I wanted to meet this guy, I’d picked him. But when I got there he wasn’t the man I’d picked, just a shadow of the one I’d lost.

Dating sites are a little bit like the Wild West, you get hounded on some by guys who hope your self esteem is low enough to make you allow them near. Back 2 years ago it would have been for some, but not now.

I guess it’s like when you fall of a horse and you have to get back on or you never will, the longer you leave it the harder it gets. At the end of every date I tell myself I’m giving up. I’m not going to bother anymore. There is one guy and I’ve fallen for him hard but I can have him anymore because he’s decided he’s not right for me. His letting me go in his eyes a sign of how much he loved me, which let’s face it is fucked up in itself. If you have a precious diamond you don’t throw it away so you can’t loose it, you keep it safe and look after it. Why can’t some men get that? The fear of loosing someone makes them run away and hurts you and them in the process so neither of you are happy.

So after the guy tonight trying his hardest, as I lay in his arms with my head on his chest, him treating me like a queen. In my mind I screamed to the one to come back. To make it right again. To watch Archer in bed, to tell me about the random things in his head, to act like the moron that makes me laugh and this time forget about running away. You see, some of it was his insecurities that I’d find someone better and leave him without warning. But now I can have any man that I want I’m proving he had nothing to worry about, there are none that I want, and the ones who are there for more than a fling make the whole situation worse. There wasn’t any danger of me doing the things that he feared the most.

My tarot says this is the universe helping me to understand exactly what it is I want so I don’t make the wrong choice again when I do. I hope it’s right. I guess I just have to keep trusting that the plans for me will be good. Spells are tempting but I don’t want to touch them, I’d rather he was here of his own free will.

I have one more date planned and after that I think I’m going to leave it for a while. Whilst I’m always very honest that I’m really not looking for anything serious right now, the pressure, the messages, the second date invites make it worse because it’s beginning and the guilt sets in. Not because it’s a one night stand, sex and love is easy to separate, but because they want to break down the walls, to conquer to possess, and I can’t let that happen when my heart belongs somewhere else.

Perhaps tomorrow will change my mind, who knows? But I have my doubts. I worry today about getting older and wasting time and the confidence I’ve only just found on being alone while it withers away. Perhaps that’s why I do what I do, because you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I’ll place my feelings back in that box for a while I think and lock it back up so they can’t get hurt. Not hurt by the others, you understand, but more hurt by the fact the others are not what I really want. I’ll keep them safe for a rainy day.

Is he for real??!?

So 3 weeks… I think it’s 3 weeks, after the one ended it saying “I don’t want any ties” I’m back to confidence on a dating site that isn’t Tinder swiping through eligible bachelors to only see… yep you guessed it… him! Back out there trying to find a woman. Okay so I’m doing the same but I wasn’t the one who ended it saying I didn’t want ties. I was the one trying to make it work whilst he couldn’t be fucked to leave his dismal flat. Clearly this guy just wanted a fuck buddy and not a girlfriend. I start to wonder. No social media posts about relationships, didn’t like holding hands in public, very rarely did we actually go anywhere. My mind was racing. Still wondering.

Okay so this inadequate guy didn’t really want a relationship but struggled to actually let me go. Would tell me I was his etc. But actually he wanted the benefits of me being committed to him but not the commitment on his part and probably the freedom to see other people if he felt like it. I hate when people are so dishonest, just say what you want and don’t lead people on.

This is the guy who last year when he saw I was in a seemingly happy relationship waded right back in there because “he missed me”. Okay I would have ended it with the Stand In anyway but that’s not the point. He just didn’t like that I wasn’t his anymore and someone else was there.

Soon as he got me back… well we’ve all read that history. So this guy gets a trip to Rome paid for by me, passport because he’s so fucking useless sorted by me, breaks up with me on the last night… usual shit, and then we’re back together after he tells me he is feeling lost blah blah. On his 29th birthday he’s thinking of ending his life apparently because he thinks he’s a failure. Of course dumb little me is there saying don’t be silly, building him up when actually he really didn’t deserve it should have told him to man the fuck up.

I can’t help but wonder if he’d been doing this all along, would explain his lack of “performance” the last time when he came over, ate free food then fucked off.

This guy clearly has massive issues and needs women chasing him but can’t actually handle committing to anyone. Well let him carry on! I hope he gets as hurt as the hurt I’ve felt because of him. I’m not going to do anything to get revenge, tempting though that may be. No point cursing someone, you only get that back times 3 and he’s not worth that. Karma will totally get the fucker.

My best answer is silence. I’ve blocked as many means for him to communicate as I can think of even though I continue to care for one of his pets… a favour he asked of me and I was so happy to oblige, thinking this was him finally showing the beginnings of trust and commitment, I’ll continue to care because it’s not that poor animals fault. I’m kinda attached to him now and he’s starting to thrive again in my care and actually since it’s a snake the metaphor is pretty clear! I realise his request was not really about showing trust, it was just a way to load off an inconvenience for him to someone stupid enough to say yes.

Then again this guy has never had a job, he’s had his own business from uni. Didn’t pay for uni, parents appear to bail him out constantly. This is effectively a child living part of an adults life. That’s not for me. Much as I like to be immature, I can pay my way and when shit needs handling I roll up my sleeves and face it head on!

Me at 29, had a job, a car, a 6 year old to care for, my own place paid for by the hard earned graft of me and my daughter’s dad. Whilst We still lived together We we’re both putting in the graft to keep us afloat. I would never have dreamed of asking for help.

On the other hand this is the guy who regularly goes back to mummy’s house to hide and eat all her food whilst she’s on holiday.

I’m done with overgrown children. I have a real one of my own to look after. I can’t help but wonder if his “distance” was all about he was seeing other people. So there we go! The so called nice guy who would “never cheat” because it apparently traumatised him when it happened to him knows absolutely nothing of the real pain of it happening in a real relationship when you have a child to look after, lesson learnt there… your intuition is very strong, the words they say mean nothing when your intuition is ringing alarm bells! This has been proven time and time again.

Is it too much to ask that a guy treats you with respect? Especially when you’ve done nothing but be supportive and understanding, helped him out when he’s asked? No it isn’t. This guy belongs on the big burning pile of ex’s that deserve to rot.

I don’t wish him a nice life anymore, I wish him the life he deserves… let karma sort him out.

Rant over lol!

Twin Flame Phenomenon

I’ve read a lot about twin flames, soul mates, life lessons and learning experiences that eventually lead you to your final place of happiness. It’s no secret as you can read from my previous posts that I have a belief in these things and life in the hope of reaching that point in my life. Perhaps that’s what being Tinderella is all about, the search for the one who makes you complete.

Whether it’s that metaphorical piece of red yarn that ties you both together even when you’re apart, the longing for the soul that makes yours feel full or just that kindred spirit feeling that the physical experiences of life cannot replace. We all feel it somewhere, somehow regardless of which system of belief or non-belief we choose to follow.

This is where I start to wonder what it’s all about, why am I here and what am I doing? So far there is only one person I’ve met who seems to be able to prove that connection is true for me. It’s no surprise that I miss him even though I try not to.

My 15 years with my ex proved to me and him that the unhappiness of trying to make it work caused by just settling was exhausting so we parted ways. The unhappiness manifested in both of us as we grew apart day by day, contempt growing in the place of that initial feeling of love that wasn’t really love at all, just the hope of someone who could take away the pain of not fitting in, being lonely in life.

I think I’ve reached the conclusion date after date that there is no point investing the time if you don’t feel that connection instantly. There are so many guys who tick all the right boxes but I just can’t feel anything for them, it’s as if the universe is telling me this isn’t my path, you deserve the twin flame you were born so many times to meet.

Perhaps it’s just the heartbreak of hopes dashed that leaves me unable to let anyone in for real, you can go through the motions, have a good time but it’s empty because your soul knows there’s something planned for you and this isn’t it. So I’m filling my time with something more mine, writing, getting fit, being creative and of course being the best mum that I can be.

It goes deeper than physical attraction, you can feel this person’s emotions, they don’t even have to contact you for you to know. Many people who’ve experienced this say the initial meeting creates a flushing of your negative energy that causes ructions and makes one or the other run. Yes I’ve been there time and time again with ‘the one’ every past hurt whether in this life or the thousands before come rushing to the surface in order to be cleared ready for the fresh newness of reconnecting.

It’s a funny thing, it’s mind blowing but you just know and if you don’t know how to handle it, has the potential to open wounds you never knew you had before they opened up again. Here’s the thing, in my belief in twin flames and soul mates I will have know this person before, and will have suffered or caused hurt with this soul before, when you meet, those memories come back even if you’re not aware of what it is, the feelings created by them do.

There is one person I’ve felt this connection with. And the strange thing is I do sometimes get feelings that he’s experiencing when we’ve not talked in a while. I know when something’s up, when he’s depressed, when he’s happy. I can have a memory that’s more than a memory of holding his hand, like the physical contact still exists even though it’s not there right now. It’s not something I get with anyone else I’ve met. You have a group of soul mates, in my group one is my late grandfather, he was my father once before so I’m told, we were very close when he was alive and have been close since his death, he is always here and he lets me know when I’m feeling distressed to comfort me that I’m not alone, I often smell his cigar smoke in these moments, even though no one smokes in my house. He looks over me and my daughter. My daughter used to tell us about the nice man in the corner of her room. A few years later looking at a family photo my dad had posted on social media, my daughter pointed to my grandfather without any prompting and said, that’s the man, he’s always there smiling at me. Because I’ve never encouraged my daughter to close her mind to the unknown or be scared of it she still does see him, I only sense him when he’s here.

My daughter is also in my soul mate group, we could have been sisters or mother and daughter the other way round many many times. This is how I know her thoughts when I open up and listen.

The twin flame, the one, is a painful loss that I know I can’t replace but know will also be back at some point. My only task is to remove negativity from my life, so that all he will see is the joy that being back will give. These parting times are only here to test your bonds when it’s the right person. Date people, have friends, do everything you would want to do with your life, fill it up with fun because that’s how they know it’s time to come back and the running and chasing phenomenon ends and true happiness begins. The hard part is not waiting, the more you wait, the more you clear your life for their return, the harder it is for them to see a reason to come back. No one wants emptiness. It may be this life or the next, who knows, the universe is the judge of when that can be.

The relief of not missing you

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When people first read this their initial thought is happily ever after, but actually for me it was the opposite. This was something I saw towards the end of the relationship with the guy we refer to as “the one” and struck a chord with me. In spite of my efforts to bridge the gap and see him regularly he was “too busy”, “working too hard”, feeling stressed etc. He’d gone into himself and would leave me with “soon” or “maybe” and kept me hanging there whilst my heart was slowly breaking. I trusted him, and know his reasons weren’t because he’d found someone else, he’s not that type of guy, he’s more they type that fears the gravity of commitment and so runs and hides. See this guy wanted to be single but have the comfort sometimes of someone there but could give nothing back.

For me this picture actually meant “I can’t wait till I’m properly over you” Not because I hated him or anything like that, more because I didn’t like the feeling of constantly being let down, feeling insecure like he was about to abandon me again as he had before. This time is less than a week on and I’m actually feeling okay. I think I managed to get the grief of it out quickly in the first couple of days and got to the point I am at now where I can look at things on the internet that remind me of him without feeling that sudden pang of heartache. Earlier scrolling though my Facebook feed I saw lots of little clips that normally one of us would have shared with the other and felt more a fondness about how I would have shared it with him or he would have sent it to me but there was no sudden panic that he was gone, or devastation as I’d felt so many times before. Perhaps I really am finally over him? I’m starting to feel as I do with my daughter’s dad, not really all that much anymore. The fear of losing him has gone and the fear of him coming back and hurting me all over again has also gone. At this moment I feel if he came back I’d most likely say no. I don’t think I’m willing to feel that amount of hurt again. Perhaps I’ve really actually learnt to value my needs above those of someone who doesn’t, let face it I’m not his mum so why was I giving love so unconditionally for him to take it as he pleased?

It’s not really a case that I don’t care about him, I’ll always care that he’s okay because he’s actually a nice person who is just a bit confused. I’m starting to feel if he does or has found someone else then that’s okay. There’s a slight tinge of “Please don’t hurt anyone else the way you’ve hurt me” but other than that I’m just not that bothered. I’m finally free of feeling like I need him. Perhaps it’ll all come crashing down tomorrow, but I really think it won’t.

So today I’m antidepressant free, I don’t think I need them anymore, I’m feeling good. Perhaps there’s a life lesson I’ve managed to learn here; when I met him I was lost, alone, severely depressed and struggling to find my identity. I’d not been myself for 15 years, if not longer. I had no idea how to be on my own, no idea who I was or what the hell I wanted in life. I was scared, I did not know how to be single, I hadn’t been single since I was 18. At that young age and earlier I had the misconception that you had to have a boyfriend otherwise you weren’t valued or lovable. The idea of being a single mother scared the hell out of me hence I never left my daughter’s dad, plus the fear of the unknown kept us stuck trying to make it work, I excused the misdemeanours and kept on trying. I really did believe that if I was single then I had failed. I think this comes from growing up and boys not finding me attractive. Or at least thinking that when I was growing up because boys never asked me out ever! I learn now that that’s because I was actually a bit scary, I was confident outwardly and also a bit of a tomboy so boys didn’t feel they could ask me out.

Isn’t it funny… I grew up thinking I couldn’t get a boyfriend so I stuck with with one even though we’d probably both fallen out of love because we were scared of being alone. Now… it didn’t work out with one I really did love, but I’m okay about it. I get asked out on a date most days by someone, what with messages from new work colleagues, men in the street approaching me, getting chatted up in coffee shops, it appears I can pick and choose something I never ever thought would happen to me. Although this time I’ve not actually met one I’d happily date and it’s okay, I’m doing just great on my own…

Memes we can relate to

Why have I got to have a billion emotions everyday?

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When you see a read receipt then they go offline…

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Me getting my heart broken over and over again

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How I feel all the time, either I never see him or I miss him because it’s over

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I just don’t get this dating game at all!?! Exclusive but not his girlfriend, together but not public

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When you just can’t get the stupid man out of your head but you’re so happy when you get to see him

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Why do I always break these rules?!?

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Hold your head up girl, never beg a man to be with you, if he’s leaving, he really isn’t all that

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Just remember this and give yourself a hug, you are awesome and he didn’t deserve you

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