Little Prince…

So as I was free for the weekend a little while back and well not much to do that I felt like doing and the only other prospects being a bit stalky and needy I messaged a way too young for me guy for a bit of fun, because as we know, abs and biceps are where it’s at for me, preferably a full head of hair too…

And if you’re going to mess about with no strings attached well it may as well be worth your time. You get a lot of messages on some sites from guys who well… they’re desperate and ugly and have really let themselves go. Why would I want to touch that? This is not like rescuing a soon to be put down dog…

So I’d been talking to this cute guy who seemed a little innocent… but he was good looking. Half Persian half Welsh, he had good genetics, deep brown eyes and was well turned out. He turned up with chocolates in his Mercedes… probably paid for by property developer daddy, and admired the fire places in my house which was kind of cute.

It didn’t take long before we were upstairs…. clothes on the floor playing on my bed. He was cute but not relationship material and he would have done my head in if we were dating. But he knew the score, I was pretty clear about that. Personally I like being single, and like that I can do what I want when I’ve got free time. It’s probably going to take a lot to commit. I’m not talking material benefits now, there are plenty of those guys out there, there’s just nothing else to them.

Having removed the shackles of the beliefs that a predominantly Christian society has given me, I’m free to explore what I want, and that’s pretty damn liberating. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs and morals etc. But it’s when we put our own against others it causes harm. Our pagan ancestors celebrated love, but also sexuality. Women were powerful beings. It is only the later fear that the church has instilled within us all that a woman with power is a dangerous thing. Even today in this society of so called equality women who behave the same as their male peers are considered to be “gun ho”, “intimidating” amongst other things, when really were just asserting our right to be equal. I still remember the day a previous male manager told me that I was far too intimidating in meetings because I talk about technical subjects on the same level as developers. As a project manager at that time, really the issue was that he was out of his depth and didn’t like that I was able to understand things he couldn’t. He probably expected me to shut up… however it more unleashed a whole load of “fuck you and the horse you rode in on” and I left that manager for dust.

So my friends, enjoy life, live by your own standards, be honest and if the other person isn’t happy then part ways. We all deserve a life that’s full of experiences and we have the right to choose what we do.

So the little prince… we’ll see if I see him again. I might do just for fun, but I really hope that guy finds a girl who’s just right for him, because he will treat her like a princess but he’s not ready for a queen…

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The One that made me forget…

Last night, a bit tired and not sure whether I could be bothered I went out to meet a guy that I’d been talking to online for real. He’d actually made the effort to ask me out at the beginning of the week and to be honest I had half expected him to stand me up. This seems to be the way it goes, so of course I’d had a few dates in the week and as you’ve read if you’re a regular follower they weren’t all that great. I really wasn’t expecting much at all.

So as I’m walking to the place we’re about to meet he texts me and am surprised he’s asking me what I want to drink. Fair play, this one’s making an actual effort.

I get to the place stand outside a sec and then approach the door as he’s there to meet me looking very nervous. He says “I’m really sorry but my ex-girlfriend is right there at the bar, can we go somewhere else?” And I just laugh and say sure. He explains it wasn’t a great end to a relationship and she’s likely to cause trouble, and I reassure him we’ve all got mental ex’s as I think about the list of potential people who were in danger of bumping into from my past too.

We find another bar, get a drink and start talking, we go to another bar and do the same, as he starts to relax, we talk about everything and anything. I’m starting to wonder how this will work out, I actually start to really like him as we team up against the rest of the world laughing at dodgy outfits, slightly strange social behaviour and talk about stuff and things. He’s asked me what I do for a living because he thinks that I must do spread sheets and so I explain and he looks baffled, apologises for having no idea and I laugh and say well why would you if you’ve never dealt with that stuff?

He takes me on a wander towards the metal club I like even though he’s not really a metal fan and I say it’s fine let’s go in the pub next door instead because I’d rather talk. He orders drinks, I have to pop to the loo. As I go towards them I walk past a girl who is a friend of ‘the one’ I’m not sure she has any idea about me, as we all know he kept his cards to his chest. I laugh in my head. I knew she would sometimes train at the gym with him and one day I’d got jealous for about 5 minutes when she’d posted their training online, it was some gymnastics style stuff and it had really pissed me off, but that was more because he was spending time with her and had avoided me for 5 weeks at that point than I had actually thought he was cheating with her. So this girl that had bothered me a bit was a bar maid, and wannabe burlesque dancer, but really a bar maid. Seems like most of his female interests were that way, the singer who actually worked on the perfume counter and so on. He wasn’t good with real women evidently and stuff clicked in my head and I felt better. I’m the opposite, I’m not so deluded about getting famous, I’m different, successful and happy with what I am.

That was the first time I’d thought about him all night and there were no pangs, more of a… hope she recognises me and tells him I’m having fun…. feeling instead.

I come back from the loo and he’s gone, I panic a little then as I’m about to text joking half not joking “did you run away” he’s walking towards me looking nervous. He’s worried I’m going to be pissed off and we just laugh. I dunno what kind of princesses he was dating before but wow they’ve made him worry a lot. He relaxes, we kiss, finish our beer, kiss more, we are necking at the bar like teenagers on the dance floor but we don’t give a shit. He asked if I want to go to more bars and I say I’m done with bars tonight so he says my place or yours? We go to mine.

He’s everything I’ve been missing, there is no space for ‘the one’ to cross my mind. We get not much sleep. Emotions are there, it’s not just a routine, there’s no feeling of challenge, I don’t need to break him. We wake up early and the spark’s still there, he has to get back to his cousin’s dog who he’s been looking after but stays a little longer for more even though we’re both shattered.

After he’s gone home I’m sat here reading texts from Mr Clingy number 3 and those that I’m now probably not likely to meet. The one from the night before who left me so empty is already there asking to wake up with me, I’m not quite sure how to let him down yet. Man Pokemon 2 wants to see me today but I’ll tell him I’m too hungover, part of me is hoping he saw me out last night and got the message and never comes back… cold but I just don’t care how he feels especially after the forced kiss that showed little if no respect.

I’m not sure where this will go. Perhaps he’ll never call me again, although I get the feeling he will. Today my constant thoughts about ‘the one’ are gone. If anything he’s cured me even if it’s just for a while. But I’ve realised that actually ‘the one’ was just another guy, better than some hence I fell for him, but actually he’s not the be all and end all and there’s better out there, I just had to be patient.

Do I have to kiss you?

We crossed paths and Man Pokemon number 2 came up several times before I thought stop being so judgemental and meet him. So far Man Pokemon was leaving feeling a bit over it so I just couldn’t be bothered. Profile showed a dog and an Iron Maiden T-shirt, perhaps we could get on. So after a few messages from him that I ignored for a while I decided fine I’ll meet him.

He invited me to walk my dogs with his in a local park near his and then we could grab food in the dog friendly pub near by. I was not being mom for the night so though, fine what the hell, let’s meet this guy…

I’ll be honest, I just couldn’t be bothered but the dogs needed a walk so I thought at least I might find a dog walking buddy if nothing else.

I park up and start to walk to the main field, one of my dogs, the stupid Malamute puppy plucks a fledgling bird out of the air with little effort (think hulk smash) and won’t drop it like she normally does when she brings me birds. The last time it had been a good omen as she gently lay the fledgling starling she’d picked up at my feet and I nurse it back to health to release it. That same day I’d had and interview and got the job. Today was different, I really had to shout at her to drop the poor thing and it died uninjured but clearly shocked right there in my hand, I buried it and considered just going home. I am a Wiccan so natures signs are important to me, a dead bird is a very bad omen, a bird killed in front of you by your own dog… really bad omen. But felt guilty for letting someone down. So carried on slowly walking, distracted by everyone and anyone we met on the way.

I met him and he was really not for me, there was no glowing feeling. He instantly irritated me, perhaps I’m being a bitch but he just wouldn’t shut the hell up! Like non stop! I need to be able to process a conversation and there was no thinking space.

His dog hates my dogs, but he reassures me his dog will get used to them you know, for the future… what!?! Live with you? I only just met you?!? No!

We go to the pub, I’m hoping to get away with a quick drink and no food, but he insists and refuses to let me pay my way. I cannot be brought, I don’t need treating, I need level conversion and sexual attraction, neither of which exist here.

As he goes inside to order, a guy I kind of recognise and think is pretty hot walks past, looking at me and me at him. He grabs his push bike from a near by rack and comes over to say hi and reminds me he sees me in the lift at work with my biker gear and thinks I’m cool. I don’t know his name and don’t get chance to ask because Mr Clingy comes out right in queue eye balling him in a protective way… I’m not his to protect and this annoys me. The guy makes a quick getaway…. thanks!

Food comes out, we eat, he shuts up except between mouthfuls and licking his knife… gross. Food is okay, I really don’t care. We continue talking, every queue I take that it’s time to go he changes the subject. He’s a pretty okay person just not the guy for me. Eventually we agree it’s time to go, the dogs need to eat. He insists on walking me to my car… I really wish he wouldn’t, he lunged in for the hug and kiss and I turn my head. He laughs, he tries again getting my lips and I pull away, he tries one more time… I kind of let him but pull away again and tell him I’m shy. He laughs and says “our first kiss!” I think and our last. I get into my car and wait for him to walk as far away as possible. As I drive past he waves enthusiastically and I wave goodbye forever back.

We all know I’m still stuck on ‘the one’ but even without him in my mind constantly this guy would have no chance. Guess it’s time to go ghost or perhaps I’ll just have to be very blunt, both of which I hate. He’s already stalking me on Facebook, so I’m going to have to block him. This is the behaviour of someone who gets obsessed to the point of controlling and I can’t cope with that. This guy was essentially the same, probably very similar to the ‘Stand in’ too. That niceness with a twist of foreboding control underneath as their desperation to keep you strangles you tighter and tighter until you end up running away or destroyed because you feel you can’t. So here I am as the Iron Maiden song goes…. Run to the hills, run for your life…

All the choice but…

So not long after being back out there I’ve come across a lot of choices but none are quite what I want. Probably because really there’s only one I want but that’s the one that I can’t have. There’s not one man I’ve met that’s been able to make me forget all about him.

Tonight was exactly the same. I met a sweet guy, really lovely and he wants more and I just can’t give him that. Every touch was different, everything was not right. He laughed at my jokes but couldn’t banter. He didn’t quite get the things I like or dislike and he tried so hard. I know this guy is the type that would do anything to make his girl happy. He was willing to learn about all the stuff I love but the foundation wasn’t there. Different music taste, different humour, different everything. Fit but too skinny. Into his extreme sports but not able to explain his enthusiasm.

He would have been one to try so hard but he just wouldn’t have been able to replace him. And that’s the problem, right now it’s all about replacing him. I don’t want to mould someone into something they’re not. I just wanted the person who is what I want.

I went to meet him with determination, I told myself this time it would be the right one. This time I wanted to meet this guy, I’d picked him. But when I got there he wasn’t the man I’d picked, just a shadow of the one I’d lost.

Dating sites are a little bit like the Wild West, you get hounded on some by guys who hope your self esteem is low enough to make you allow them near. Back 2 years ago it would have been for some, but not now.

I guess it’s like when you fall of a horse and you have to get back on or you never will, the longer you leave it the harder it gets. At the end of every date I tell myself I’m giving up. I’m not going to bother anymore. There is one guy and I’ve fallen for him hard but I can have him anymore because he’s decided he’s not right for me. His letting me go in his eyes a sign of how much he loved me, which let’s face it is fucked up in itself. If you have a precious diamond you don’t throw it away so you can’t loose it, you keep it safe and look after it. Why can’t some men get that? The fear of loosing someone makes them run away and hurts you and them in the process so neither of you are happy.

So after the guy tonight trying his hardest, as I lay in his arms with my head on his chest, him treating me like a queen. In my mind I screamed to the one to come back. To make it right again. To watch Archer in bed, to tell me about the random things in his head, to act like the moron that makes me laugh and this time forget about running away. You see, some of it was his insecurities that I’d find someone better and leave him without warning. But now I can have any man that I want I’m proving he had nothing to worry about, there are none that I want, and the ones who are there for more than a fling make the whole situation worse. There wasn’t any danger of me doing the things that he feared the most.

My tarot says this is the universe helping me to understand exactly what it is I want so I don’t make the wrong choice again when I do. I hope it’s right. I guess I just have to keep trusting that the plans for me will be good. Spells are tempting but I don’t want to touch them, I’d rather he was here of his own free will.

I have one more date planned and after that I think I’m going to leave it for a while. Whilst I’m always very honest that I’m really not looking for anything serious right now, the pressure, the messages, the second date invites make it worse because it’s beginning and the guilt sets in. Not because it’s a one night stand, sex and love is easy to separate, but because they want to break down the walls, to conquer to possess, and I can’t let that happen when my heart belongs somewhere else.

Perhaps tomorrow will change my mind, who knows? But I have my doubts. I worry today about getting older and wasting time and the confidence I’ve only just found on being alone while it withers away. Perhaps that’s why I do what I do, because you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I’ll place my feelings back in that box for a while I think and lock it back up so they can’t get hurt. Not hurt by the others, you understand, but more hurt by the fact the others are not what I really want. I’ll keep them safe for a rainy day.

Is that you in a dress???

And it goes a little something like this….

Mr Elite asked me about being adventurous in the bedroom. He brought up the subject of adding an extra lady. I was down with the idea… I mean I’m free and single may as well consider stuff before saying no, plus I was a little bit curious, I wanted to see just who else was in his “little black book”…. so he sends me a photo of a “woman” from his little black book.

This woman was the spitting image of him but wearing a dress! Like either a man in a dress a one hell of a minger of a woman!!! And so the conversation went….


Time to say goodbye to mr Elite me thinks… either he wears dresses… each to their own but not for me… or his taste in women is poor and I’m waaaaay out of his league….

Takes all sorts

How not to treat the Queen Bee

Oh the fun and games of learning about new people on dating apps! So far my funniest experience and this guy deserves to be shown up for who he really is! Using the site Bumble… its similar to Tinder with its swipe system except the girl has 24 hours to make first contact.

So I swipe of a nice looking guy who lives not far from me. Respectable job for a respectable company, you half ask yourself why this guy is in need of a dating app to meet women… here is why…

Are you ready for this? It’s a good one…

So I make the move… brooding looking guy with ability to wear chinos… I say something clever and this is how he managed to fuck it up in a matter of minutes…

I play along… let’s see what this guy comes out with next…

And then it becomes priceless…


And then he was gone… what an odd odd guy!

It appears even LSE graduates working for a respectable brand ahem… KPMG… have a dark side… I bet his mum would be proud!

Sorry Mrs LSE graduate’s mom! You have no hope of getting any grand kids till your prodigal son learns about how to put it in the right hole!!!

Amazing!

User has since deleted his account… shame I screen shotted his profile…

Offender’s whereabouts is uncertain… I’m guessing he’s having a cry wank while mommy rubs his back and reassures him that the next girl he meets will be dazzled by his chinos… or so slack that she wouldn’t notice his micro penis up her bum… did he actually get his tape measure out to check?!? The mind boggles!

Pokemon Go?

So I met Man Pokemon last night for a drink and this time only a drink! We talked for hours… like the time flew! I’d been feeling a bit grumpy all day… A combination of Monday morning Blues, falling off a horse the day before at full gallop and knowing I had bootcamp planned for after work I was feeling a bit sorry for myself. So it really cheered me up.

The night went well, we talked a lot. I was beginning to feel like this could be a goer. But there were reservations inside my head that I really needed to resolve. He didn’t quite look like his profile pic… not massively different but different. Did he look a bit like the Sad Mechanic? Could I deal with that if he did? I wasn’t sure. There were things I was starting to feel were perhaps a little stretched around the truth. He’d said he never used Tinder or any other dating site. He’d not had many girlfriends. I wasn’t sure. Didn’t feel right. Swiping through Bumble when I got home later… there he was!

Perhaps I’m just not used to nice guys…. turns out he’d left the company I work for now a few years back. Perhaps it was worth some digging.

As he was walking me back to my car he casually mentioned he didn’t drive. I don’t know why this bothered me, it normally doesn’t really, but I started to wonder if this meant the potential to become a taxi driver yet again, been there done that, no thanks!

He’d already added me on Facebook that day… this screamed STALKER! To me!

The kiss… it was weird, didn’t feel all that good, like he didn’t know what he was doing… I felt disappointed. Perhaps it was just nerves. Kissing is important to me, I spent almost 15 years hardly ever being kissed. I didn’t want that ever again.

Perhaps I was being too picky. He’d asked me to text when I got home, kinda sweet, but what if this was the beginnings of controlling behaviour, remember how ‘nice’ the Stand In was? Yet control was his game too.

He kept up the texts, to be honest it felt like something wasn’t quite right. Too nice, perhaps I was being paranoid, hey there’s some baggage here. So I got a Tarot reading, saying it was a maybe but he’s been hurt before, it will be hard work.

Hmmmm…. Tarot for me rarely lies.

Next day in the office I ask a trusted colleague about him. The department he apparently worked in was right next to theirs at the time he worked there. Most of them had never heard of him. I show the profile pic to a response of ‘Oh god! No not him?!? Run, seriously bad news!’ Turns out he didn’t have the high ranking finance job he’d said but was front line customer contact, again the level of job isn’t an issue for me but the lie is.

Okay intuition you’ve served me well here… now how to end it, I’ll probably be honest, I’m not in the frame of mind for the commitment his behaviour seems to be asking for, I’m not ready yet to stop seeing what my options are. My heart isn’t fully healed from the disappointment of not being with ‘the one’ and therefore for me to try wouldn’t be fair on either of us.

There is no harm in dating around to make sure you’re happy, why should you settle when you know it’s not right? Some things are not meant to be, but the universe presents it to you so you can learn that for yourself.

Pokemon No…