Stone Henge

I met a guy, a friendly BT Engineer, yes yet another Tinder Date… well not sure if this can be defined as a date, perhaps this fits exactly into the Netflix and Chill Category. His photos, super fit, nice smile… seemed nice, good banter. Well why would I not meet this guy? It transfers to text message… thank god for that… hate WhatsApp stalkers… yes I’m online and no I’m not replying to you right now… there could be a myriad of reasons, I’m dealing with childcare stuff, chatting to my friends, talking to other guys, so what… chill! Anyhow I digress…

So nice smile BT guy and I have some gutter talk aver text, no phone calls… good… I don’t like speaking to people at the moment, they’re hassle. He seems nice, funny, blah blah so we arrange for him to come over… for well you know… a girl witch has gotta get her quota of souls to stay young some how…

I’m excited-ish, his additional photos seemed promising. His promises, well if he lived to to all of those I was gonna be doing less Netflix. Good start.

So he drives over to see me, I get a knock at the door expecting a well built Valley’s guy… well… yes he’s in proportion and yes he’s well built but, have you ever seen the film Spinal Tap? If you haven’t you should. Remember the scene where they give the drawing of stone henge over to the set designer on A4 paper but the set designer doesn’t get that it’s not to scale and well the result is the end of the blockbuster gig becoming a comedic anticlimax of a 2 foot tall monument with bigger “little people” dancing round it? Yeah…. So well built perfectly in proportion nice smile Guy is well fun sized… I was not prepared for fun sized… I didn’t close the door in his face, well he’d driven a bit of a way, I though well to hell with it, a soul is a soul, fun sized or not. At least this one didn’t seem to have short man syndrome!

So we go upstairs, get busy, to be fair proportionality has failed in some places thank goodness! He doesn’t live up to his promises… and to be honest his twittering on about crap is starting to do my head in. He asks me if I’m a geek, I explain I’m an Uber Geek, his idea of geeky is people who like batman! Oh my dear… there is so much more to being a geek than Batman! I like Metal, he likes Rap… when I get enthusiastic about Anthrax and Body Count together he says “Oh no, I only like Eminem”… oh dear! This is a one time and one time only Netflix and Chill event for me at this point!

I put on my favourite Cartoons, starting with Rick n Morty, moving to Bojack, he doesn’t seem to get it. He isn’t a geek at all! Sweet though he is, Stone Henge isn’t for me. He laughs that the TV in my bedroom is small… I think well your TV is in your mother’s house. And I laugh at the fact he’s never coming back.

He has to head off (thank goodness because his incessant wittering is annoying me) he’s got to be up early for work. I say my goodbyes and off he goes.

I’m not sure if he thinks we’re in a relationship now… now most 28 year old guys don’t want to be and that makes them safe to mess with. He already keeps texting that he misses me… puke… after a few hours I text back oh sorry I’ve been busy, hope your day way okay… I think I’ll leave him calm down a few days… can’t be dealing with feelings and shit!

…Stonehenge! Where the demons dwell

Where the banshees live and they do live well

Stonehenge! Where a man’s a man

And the children dance to the Pipes of Pan..

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Foot Guy

So I matched with a guy that seemed kinda fit. He was Scottish, a scientist but also very well built. Living in a city across the boarder I thought best have a chat before meeting, don’t want to waste anyone’s time… so he asks for my number I give it and hear nothing more. No big worry, I’m not interested in chasing, if he doesn’t bother that says it all I thought.

A couple of days later I get this text, apologising he hasn’t seen my message. I text back hi and go to the cinema with my friend and think nothing more of it. I get out of the cinema and there’s a voice recording message on WhatsApp from him. Kinda bumbly, but he has a nice voice and a pretty sexy accent. So I message back thanks. He asks to hear my voice but wants a recording…. weird… okay I think, so I record a message which is half of me telling my dog to get down and leave it at that. I expect no reply and forget about it. Then I get a call, okay, so he seems keen, we have a chat about stuff and things, he seems nice if not a little domineering but I’m willing to give him a chance.

He then sends through a ton of selfies, he seems a little self obsessed. I give him the benefit of the doubt, the dating world is strange and say thanks again, I reply with one picture.

He wants to face time, okay I say, well at least that way you can get half an idea of what someone’s like. We start to talk and oh my goodness I wanna get off!!!! Here’s how it went. He starts shooting hypothetical questions about “what is and what isn’t cheating”. Just sounds controlling, he effectively wouldn’t want me to talk to other guys. He asks how tall I am, he’s 6”2’ and I’m only 5”3’, he exclaims I’m perfect to be his princess?!? I explain I’m not a princess, sweet though that is but I’m a queen and expect to be treated that way, I have no need for a man to treat me in such a derogatory fashion. He’s not impressed and calls me a feminist. I tell him I don’t care. What I didn’t realise was he was naked and playing with himself, he flips the screen to show his dick, it’s small, no shock there… I’m like…. “errrr thanks, well that looks nice” trying to sound sincere. We have sexy talk, to be honest to get the creep off the phone. He tells me he can have any woman he wants, I’d have to get used to other women throwing themselves him and deal with it. After all the cheating talk, I spy a hypocrite amount the masses! This guy is so far up his own arse it’s unbelievable. He makes various comments about behaviour he expects such as cooking him food, I explain I won’t cook him food. So now we know what the guy is single, he’s a pig, a fairly well packaged small dicked pig! Who to be honest at 34 years of age was balding. Nope!

So we’re hanging up, he asks me what size my feet are, I say size 4, he gets very excited and starts describing his favourite type of feet. I know everyone has a fetish of sorts and feet, fine but this guy was just beyond creepy. Although my feet hurt so much if he hadn’t have been such an arsehole perhaps I would have let him come and rub my feet lol!

We hang up and the last message I get is a request for a picture of my feet. I’m now weak with laughter at what a fucked up hour of my life just happened that I won’t be getting back! I text back I’m not going to meet him and good luck and then block his number. I hope for the safety of women kind he buys a small footed blow up doll because that guy was scary!

With all the women in the world throwing themselves at him though, I doubt he’ll have a problem finding a princess…. wow…

Alone isn’t lonely

So Tinder is back on and I’ll be honest I’m at the point of hitting delete already! What has this week taught me? That you really are better off just being yourself and really not worrying about finding someone right now. Okay so my date yesterday went well. He’s nice, I might just see him again. His life, considerably more complicated than mine right now… he’s separated but they still live in the same place with their small children having decided to actually call it a day on their relationship 2 years ago. His head is in the right place, so that’s good. Was he everything I want? I’m not really sure. I’m just gonna see where it all goes. But I’ve got time and I’m in no rush, there’s no urgency for either of us, so that’s okay.

The trouble with Tinder or any other site for that matter is you have to meet a few scary people before you get to a good one. So this week we have a new stalker. Initially this guy seemed nice, honest, all the right words, he seemed sorted. His girlfriend has split up with him when his small daughter came back into his life. I felt bad for him, I decided to get to know him a little. That’s where I made the mistake of deciding to swap numbers. Again messages were normal, sweet, he seemed grounded.

We talked on the phone and I’ll be honest we wasn’t what I expected, he was starting to sound clingy. Warning signs were all there. I decided I probably wouldn’t meet him after all. He let slip about smoking weed, instantly I’m just not interested any more. I don’t want to be babysitting some guy who cannot cope with life to the point he needs to knock himself out every night with drugs, which was how it was starting to sound. So I left it at that. The weekend he’s plagued me with messages, “where are you?”, “why are you not replying?” And oh god here we go… true colours appear to have just shone through. Now I get it, I have been there, when you are so insecure you believe the world is getting one over on you. But I’m not in the market for having to prove that I’m trustworthy when I do decide to be in a relationship. This guy clearly cannot curb his suspicions around people and is way too full on! We haven’t even met yet and in his head we are somehow in a relationship. I’ve made myself very clear. I’m busy, I will not be controlled and I’m not falling for guilt trips.

The me of a few years back would have yielded, would have dropped down to his level and allowed myself to be controlled, would have been insulted and have tried to prove my trustworthiness. But I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve realised that I’m stronger on my own. I’ve realised I don’t have to prove anything. I’ve realised that if someone doesn’t like it then they really can just do one, because I’m not responsible for this guy’s past hurt and I refuse to take it on.

I don’t need needy snapchat guys… I now appear to have a few, I don’t care how suspicious it might look if I log into WhatsApp to read a message and don’t read theirs. I just don’t care what these people think. Because the right guy just won’t be that desperate, the right guy will have his own shit to do just like I have mine.

This week is a me week. Nobody is getting any of my precious time, apart from my daughter of course. The good news is the book is starting to happen properly. Taking the time to write is therapeutic. Watching TV on my own means nobody interrupts me. Our society teaches us that in order to be successful in life we must not be alone. Society has this all so very wrong. When we remove that pressure of keeping up appearances to conform to an unwritten rule of convention, we’re suddenly free and life is good. When people ask me “how in the hell are you single?” I don’t take it as an insult that I am, I see it that I’ve got to the realisation that together isn’t necessarily always better, together might just be the thing that kills you.

When you get over the idea that alone means lonely, you start to realise that you only want people who enhance your life in it. Walking away is the easiest thing in the world because you’re free. I’m not here to rescue anybody. When I needed help I rescued myself. People generally are only scared to be alone because they don’t know the person that lives inside. They only know the superficial person who lives in the space that they fill when interacting with others. But life is richer once you get to know who you really are, and once you do you can never go back to the way it was before…

Playing with matches

So I’m back trying Tinder again. I have a date tonight. I have mixed feelings. It’s funny when you go on the site where you met all your ex’s and see that, well you deleted your account when you were seeing them but low and behold they’re still there, same profile same stuff. That about proves the point for me I guess. These guys look for a relationship but when they find the potential for one they run away screaming and go back into the dating pool for some other poor girl to meet.

Or perhaps just their true intentions never matched their words. They like to have a girl who will be devoted but don’t want to give the same back. So within the first few swipes four of my previous guy’s came up. Each had demonstrated commitment issues in their behaviour. It’s funny how you view the profile you initially read the first time and think “Yeah but I know the real story”. I’m a lot more cut throat I guess these days, the mere suggestion that they want to just mess around and I unmatch. I’d rather not put myself through that again.

So the guy I’m meeting tonight is my age. He has children, he’s divorced. I really hope he’s over it and not going to still be in that stage of hurt that so many divorcees are. I’m not here to be a parent to someone’s grown up son, I’m here to be an equal in a relationship with someone who can actually do that.

Having heard nothing since from the one who made me forget, I’m feeling quite happy go lucky. I’m not in a rush to do the settling down thing, I just don’t want all my time eaten up by a guy who needs to be in my presence constantly, neither do I want to be ignored. I’m looking for balance and the right guy will want that too. Material things don’t really bother me but basic ability to live life as an adult does.

So this guy is an animator, he seems pretty creative and like he may have a similar sense of humour to me. Some of me is relived that he already has children, the pressure to do that again won’t be there hopefully. I’m very happy just not having any more, I guess I’ve been there and done that. We’ll see as time goes how I feel about that though, it’s a pretty fluid feeling.

You have to start to wonder, perhaps the dating app is the downfall in itself. It proves that there are lots of choices out there. We’re all scared to make the wrong choice again and in being that way we distance ourselves from the potential that the new person can bring to your life. It’s the new version of the person who already has someone going out and playing the field but the whole field is visible and therefore more tempting.

I had a dream last night that on my way home from this up and coming date as the guy kissed me, my ex and his fiancé walked past laughing. The feeling was embarrassment, at them seeing me trying to make something work when they seemingly have it already so sorted. I have to admit, I do often feel a little judged by people who haven’t been through this situation. They assume online dating is just a great big sex party. And when you’re not in the frame of mind to be in a relationship it can be. But actually once you weed through the mommies boys, the commitment-a-phobes and the guys who are there just to boost their ego, you can find someone who’s in the same place as you mentally. It just takes a little longer sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with you if you know what you want. It’s better to be that way than waste the time of everyone you meet. Everyone who tells you “I’m not that kind of person” is not telling you the truth when it comes to one night stands, because with the wrong person we all are. It’s just the way it is, the crux being that we are all driven by a need for sex, if it goes a certain amount of time we look for it. That is just human biology, and anyone telling you otherwise is hiding their true self. I guess the best thing to do is admit it, get it out of your system so that when the person who could be right for you is there, you are ready to actually consider the whole relationship thing and do it properly.

That way no one gets hurt. So we’ll see what this guy is like, I’ve got some hopes, and some reservations because I’ve been disappointed before when I’ve decided that I’m going to meet the “right one” this time.

I’m a woman who’s majority friendship groups are men, this puts an insecure guy off. I play the boys at their own games and they don’t like it. So today feels like an open book. If the previous guy ever comes back I’m not sure what I’ll do, there was a connection for both of us but he was too cowardly to deal with it when I gave him what he asked for. Perhaps I’ll be more cautious this time. But these guys have to realise that there’s a fire built ready to be lit, it they light the fire then it will start to burn. You pour petrol on it to speed it up it will either burn out quickly or burn down the house. If you can’t handle the fire, don’t light it, step away, even grown man children shouldn’t play with matches.

Little Prince…

So as I was free for the weekend a little while back and well not much to do that I felt like doing and the only other prospects being a bit stalky and needy I messaged a way too young for me guy for a bit of fun, because as we know, abs and biceps are where it’s at for me, preferably a full head of hair too…

And if you’re going to mess about with no strings attached well it may as well be worth your time. You get a lot of messages on some sites from guys who well… they’re desperate and ugly and have really let themselves go. Why would I want to touch that? This is not like rescuing a soon to be put down dog…

So I’d been talking to this cute guy who seemed a little innocent… but he was good looking. Half Persian half Welsh, he had good genetics, deep brown eyes and was well turned out. He turned up with chocolates in his Mercedes… probably paid for by property developer daddy, and admired the fire places in my house which was kind of cute.

It didn’t take long before we were upstairs…. clothes on the floor playing on my bed. He was cute but not relationship material and he would have done my head in if we were dating. But he knew the score, I was pretty clear about that. Personally I like being single, and like that I can do what I want when I’ve got free time. It’s probably going to take a lot to commit. I’m not talking material benefits now, there are plenty of those guys out there, there’s just nothing else to them.

Having removed the shackles of the beliefs that a predominantly Christian society has given me, I’m free to explore what I want, and that’s pretty damn liberating. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs and morals etc. But it’s when we put our own against others it causes harm. Our pagan ancestors celebrated love, but also sexuality. Women were powerful beings. It is only the later fear that the church has instilled within us all that a woman with power is a dangerous thing. Even today in this society of so called equality women who behave the same as their male peers are considered to be “gun ho”, “intimidating” amongst other things, when really were just asserting our right to be equal. I still remember the day a previous male manager told me that I was far too intimidating in meetings because I talk about technical subjects on the same level as developers. As a project manager at that time, really the issue was that he was out of his depth and didn’t like that I was able to understand things he couldn’t. He probably expected me to shut up… however it more unleashed a whole load of “fuck you and the horse you rode in on” and I left that manager for dust.

So my friends, enjoy life, live by your own standards, be honest and if the other person isn’t happy then part ways. We all deserve a life that’s full of experiences and we have the right to choose what we do.

So the little prince… we’ll see if I see him again. I might do just for fun, but I really hope that guy finds a girl who’s just right for him, because he will treat her like a princess but he’s not ready for a queen…

The One that made me forget…

Last night, a bit tired and not sure whether I could be bothered I went out to meet a guy that I’d been talking to online for real. He’d actually made the effort to ask me out at the beginning of the week and to be honest I had half expected him to stand me up. This seems to be the way it goes, so of course I’d had a few dates in the week and as you’ve read if you’re a regular follower they weren’t all that great. I really wasn’t expecting much at all.

So as I’m walking to the place we’re about to meet he texts me and am surprised he’s asking me what I want to drink. Fair play, this one’s making an actual effort.

I get to the place stand outside a sec and then approach the door as he’s there to meet me looking very nervous. He says “I’m really sorry but my ex-girlfriend is right there at the bar, can we go somewhere else?” And I just laugh and say sure. He explains it wasn’t a great end to a relationship and she’s likely to cause trouble, and I reassure him we’ve all got mental ex’s as I think about the list of potential people who were in danger of bumping into from my past too.

We find another bar, get a drink and start talking, we go to another bar and do the same, as he starts to relax, we talk about everything and anything. I’m starting to wonder how this will work out, I actually start to really like him as we team up against the rest of the world laughing at dodgy outfits, slightly strange social behaviour and talk about stuff and things. He’s asked me what I do for a living because he thinks that I must do spread sheets and so I explain and he looks baffled, apologises for having no idea and I laugh and say well why would you if you’ve never dealt with that stuff?

He takes me on a wander towards the metal club I like even though he’s not really a metal fan and I say it’s fine let’s go in the pub next door instead because I’d rather talk. He orders drinks, I have to pop to the loo. As I go towards them I walk past a girl who is a friend of ‘the one’ I’m not sure she has any idea about me, as we all know he kept his cards to his chest. I laugh in my head. I knew she would sometimes train at the gym with him and one day I’d got jealous for about 5 minutes when she’d posted their training online, it was some gymnastics style stuff and it had really pissed me off, but that was more because he was spending time with her and had avoided me for 5 weeks at that point than I had actually thought he was cheating with her. So this girl that had bothered me a bit was a bar maid, and wannabe burlesque dancer, but really a bar maid. Seems like most of his female interests were that way, the singer who actually worked on the perfume counter and so on. He wasn’t good with real women evidently and stuff clicked in my head and I felt better. I’m the opposite, I’m not so deluded about getting famous, I’m different, successful and happy with what I am.

That was the first time I’d thought about him all night and there were no pangs, more of a… hope she recognises me and tells him I’m having fun…. feeling instead.

I come back from the loo and he’s gone, I panic a little then as I’m about to text joking half not joking “did you run away” he’s walking towards me looking nervous. He’s worried I’m going to be pissed off and we just laugh. I dunno what kind of princesses he was dating before but wow they’ve made him worry a lot. He relaxes, we kiss, finish our beer, kiss more, we are necking at the bar like teenagers on the dance floor but we don’t give a shit. He asked if I want to go to more bars and I say I’m done with bars tonight so he says my place or yours? We go to mine.

He’s everything I’ve been missing, there is no space for ‘the one’ to cross my mind. We get not much sleep. Emotions are there, it’s not just a routine, there’s no feeling of challenge, I don’t need to break him. We wake up early and the spark’s still there, he has to get back to his cousin’s dog who he’s been looking after but stays a little longer for more even though we’re both shattered.

After he’s gone home I’m sat here reading texts from Mr Clingy number 3 and those that I’m now probably not likely to meet. The one from the night before who left me so empty is already there asking to wake up with me, I’m not quite sure how to let him down yet. Man Pokemon 2 wants to see me today but I’ll tell him I’m too hungover, part of me is hoping he saw me out last night and got the message and never comes back… cold but I just don’t care how he feels especially after the forced kiss that showed little if no respect.

I’m not sure where this will go. Perhaps he’ll never call me again, although I get the feeling he will. Today my constant thoughts about ‘the one’ are gone. If anything he’s cured me even if it’s just for a while. But I’ve realised that actually ‘the one’ was just another guy, better than some hence I fell for him, but actually he’s not the be all and end all and there’s better out there, I just had to be patient.

Do I have to kiss you?

We crossed paths and Man Pokemon number 2 came up several times before I thought stop being so judgemental and meet him. So far Man Pokemon was leaving feeling a bit over it so I just couldn’t be bothered. Profile showed a dog and an Iron Maiden T-shirt, perhaps we could get on. So after a few messages from him that I ignored for a while I decided fine I’ll meet him.

He invited me to walk my dogs with his in a local park near his and then we could grab food in the dog friendly pub near by. I was not being mom for the night so though, fine what the hell, let’s meet this guy…

I’ll be honest, I just couldn’t be bothered but the dogs needed a walk so I thought at least I might find a dog walking buddy if nothing else.

I park up and start to walk to the main field, one of my dogs, the stupid Malamute puppy plucks a fledgling bird out of the air with little effort (think hulk smash) and won’t drop it like she normally does when she brings me birds. The last time it had been a good omen as she gently lay the fledgling starling she’d picked up at my feet and I nurse it back to health to release it. That same day I’d had and interview and got the job. Today was different, I really had to shout at her to drop the poor thing and it died uninjured but clearly shocked right there in my hand, I buried it and considered just going home. I am a Wiccan so natures signs are important to me, a dead bird is a very bad omen, a bird killed in front of you by your own dog… really bad omen. But felt guilty for letting someone down. So carried on slowly walking, distracted by everyone and anyone we met on the way.

I met him and he was really not for me, there was no glowing feeling. He instantly irritated me, perhaps I’m being a bitch but he just wouldn’t shut the hell up! Like non stop! I need to be able to process a conversation and there was no thinking space.

His dog hates my dogs, but he reassures me his dog will get used to them you know, for the future… what!?! Live with you? I only just met you?!? No!

We go to the pub, I’m hoping to get away with a quick drink and no food, but he insists and refuses to let me pay my way. I cannot be brought, I don’t need treating, I need level conversion and sexual attraction, neither of which exist here.

As he goes inside to order, a guy I kind of recognise and think is pretty hot walks past, looking at me and me at him. He grabs his push bike from a near by rack and comes over to say hi and reminds me he sees me in the lift at work with my biker gear and thinks I’m cool. I don’t know his name and don’t get chance to ask because Mr Clingy comes out right in queue eye balling him in a protective way… I’m not his to protect and this annoys me. The guy makes a quick getaway…. thanks!

Food comes out, we eat, he shuts up except between mouthfuls and licking his knife… gross. Food is okay, I really don’t care. We continue talking, every queue I take that it’s time to go he changes the subject. He’s a pretty okay person just not the guy for me. Eventually we agree it’s time to go, the dogs need to eat. He insists on walking me to my car… I really wish he wouldn’t, he lunged in for the hug and kiss and I turn my head. He laughs, he tries again getting my lips and I pull away, he tries one more time… I kind of let him but pull away again and tell him I’m shy. He laughs and says “our first kiss!” I think and our last. I get into my car and wait for him to walk as far away as possible. As I drive past he waves enthusiastically and I wave goodbye forever back.

We all know I’m still stuck on ‘the one’ but even without him in my mind constantly this guy would have no chance. Guess it’s time to go ghost or perhaps I’ll just have to be very blunt, both of which I hate. He’s already stalking me on Facebook, so I’m going to have to block him. This is the behaviour of someone who gets obsessed to the point of controlling and I can’t cope with that. This guy was essentially the same, probably very similar to the ‘Stand in’ too. That niceness with a twist of foreboding control underneath as their desperation to keep you strangles you tighter and tighter until you end up running away or destroyed because you feel you can’t. So here I am as the Iron Maiden song goes…. Run to the hills, run for your life…