Pragmatism

So today brings some pragmatism around life for me. It’s been a bit of a crazy couple of years with lots of changes, positives and some disappointments. The changes that happened some through choice, many with no control from me whatsoever and I reflect on the impacts these have had on my life.

Interestingly the first change, the catalyst for all other changes, the breakup of a 15 year long relationship was perhaps not the most traumatic on reflection, but the ability to actually let go and lay it to rest took a few months. Perhaps because we’d both checked out years ago, but the security blanket of each other that had become dogged, showing its wear needed to be taken away. Letting go was the hard part, realising I can do this alone was liberating, as initially I searched for my self worth in the hands of others only to find that it could be broken just as badly as it was before.

Self worth today comes from within. It certainly gets challenged from time to time but because the float of my self worth is now an internal aid and not external, like arm bands in the swimming pool or stabilisers on a bike, it keeps me afloat to survive the changeable oceans of life with their calms and their storms as I travel this journey.

This morning’s thoughts upon waking, like a dawning of realisation as ‘the one’ and every other crossed my mind were “perhaps I never really loved him after all?”. It felt good, the realisation that all this time I’ve been growing and leaving them all behind. I’ve been playing with boys all this time and actually I think it’s really time to fly solo before considering a date again.

I’ve been chatting to a few matches online but I’m not in any mood to meet any of them just yet. I’m biding my time until I’m 100% ready this time. Someone is going to have to really impress me this time before I even consider meeting them. I’ve just cancelled a date with a friend of a friend that I was meant to have. I’m just not in the right place to consider letting anyone else in. Time to cleanse this mind of mine.

There are better things I can be focussing on. My daughter can have even more attention. What I’ve noticed is that if I don’t prioritise these guys I match with, the ones who are worth my time will actually wait for my response, the ones who aren’t will pester me, get nasty and then unmatch me. These are the ones who would have been controlling. They can’t handle the fact I have a life of my own and anyone who is honoured enough to be let in will have a place but not all of it. I’m just not willing to compromise anymore. I don’t need someone to share everything with, if I want to share experiences I have a fantastic daughter and some amazing friends.

I don’t need the complications of trying to bolster some guy’s fragile ego because he can’t compete, I’m not competing anyway, I’m being myself. My home life is happy, it’s chilled out, there’s no desperate searching for the girl I once knew because she’s sat right here, she’s back to full strength. I didn’t need anyone to complete me, I did it all by myself. The next person I let in will be whole too. I’m done with broken, I’m not here to fix people because the only person who can fix you and make you happy is yourself. I don’t need anyone to make me want to be a better person either, I can just be better anyway. So as I swipe left on all the ex’s, the broken ones who nearly broke me too, I’m smiling, I’m not broken anymore. Seeing my daughter’s dad earlier in the week I just felt nothing, no hurt, no anger, no sadness just happy. I’m happy that I have a wonderful child who grows into an adult, a clever responsible one too. I’m happy for the hard work that went into getting to today. I’m happy for the closure, happy for the happiness that is just there now without having to try. Everything makes me smile, even small annoyances, I just choose to not be offended by the stupidity of people who can’t open their minds to the world right in front of them. It’s a rainy cold day but it’s good the sun shone through and that’s what you have to do when you think about life. It’s not ever going to be perfect, you can have everything and feel nothing, the happiness comes from being grateful for life, for the small things, but for also the glow inside that true happiness is, I don’t need handbags, a new car, big diamonds or anything material, I just need my thoughts and my freedom to think them. That is where true happiness lives. The pragmatism of stepping back and assessing it for what it really was and what it really is now. There’s no need for games to win, at love, at life, at anything. The happiness comes from the wholeness of living with a purpose, my purpose I think is to be myself, to share what’s here in the depths of my thoughts and to show my daughter there’s a better way to living than worrying about being loved, instead send your love out to the universe and it will come back times three…

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Game face on

So it’s clearly time to concentrate on business and getting things done. Astrologically Venus is in Virgo now and that marks a noticeable change in how I’m dealing with emotions today and to be honest it’s a welcome relief. I’m feeling more focused on logic and less focused on the ethereal dreamy world of the what might be. It’s finally time to get the head down and put in the hard work.

Mr Ghosty McGhostface finally messaged this morning with the “things moved too fast, I wasn’t ready” text. A little cowardly but hey it’s closure and I’d rather know now than get strung along for months on end. The fact he did this by text demonstrates he definitely wasn’t the right one for me, I could have responded with a lot of things…. like “So why were you so adamant that you would be introducing me to all your friends?” Or “why even mention that your mum will love me when she meets me?” None of these were an if and I was pretty cautious in my responses to these. Along with the “I’d love to help you decorate your house” and “what kind of dates would you like me to take you on?”. To me, well, that normally insinuates that they’re starting to consider a relationship and not just seeing this as a fling, I was happy either way, but some people just can’t handle a woman who knows what she wants I guess.

As we know I love a bit of self reflection and here’s what I’m wondering… on date number one we couldn’t go into the place we were originally meeting because “An ex girlfriend that ended it badly with him was there”, looking back I’m wondering if this was perhaps just another situation like this. This guy just clearly isn’t equipped to deal with the emotional responses he creates with whoever he’s dating and so then runs away like a little boy to hide behind his X-box… yes X-box… Microsoft is so yesterday… lol…

I considered responses like “well thanks for making my Monday better.” Or “Sure no worries.” Or better still “I assumed you were dead so let’s keep it that way!” But I decided no response was actually better, perhaps a little more dignified. I’d deleted his number anyway, and all his past texts, so I’m assuming it was him… that text went too so that in a moment of weakness I couldn’t respond anyway. It’s better that way, no need for baggage.

So business suit Rebecca wore her business suit today. She was pretty calm, almost cold in her approach to everything today and actually it’s a hell of a lot better than feeling shitty. Probably not worth telling him that I’ve already had some fun since… he can really think what he wants.

Today I had the pleasure of trying to cover a massive love bite (oh my god I forgot about those! Why?) guess this is the downfall of the younger guys… here I am covering up love bites lol! Oh well, my technique on that is now perfected… I could probably be a makeup artist with the amount of times I’ve now done this lately! It’s all very well in the moment… but…

So down to business… and not that kind of business… this time the book is getting written, the blog is probably getting a revamp and suddenly Tinderella is a little too busy to worry about stupid boys who can’t back up their words! Thank heavens for that!

So back to his words “I hope you find someone you deserve” no actually, someone who deserves me will find me and will do what ever it is to convince me that they do. This won’t be creepy or clingy. I’m expecting more than a night in shining armour, I don’t need rescuing you see so that’s gonna be wasted on me. Put your horses back in the stables boys… leave your magic carpets at home! And don’t even think about that oversized fishing net!

In the mean time my hot naughty snapchat buddy is keeping me entertained with snaps that I have to leave the office if I’m to open them! I’ll probably never meet him but I’m not complaining about the eye candy, he’s quite the exhibitionist, and I’m not complaining. It’s like having my own personal porn star.

My life began at 36, two years on, good god am I having a ball!?!

Cleansing ritual

It’s nearly the Autumn Equinox and the urge to cleanse my life gets bigger by the day. I think back to the equinox in spring and remember planting my egg with my intentions written in it and I have achieved most of them I think. I have moved job, giving myself a better career. I have worked on my relationship with my daughter and that’s getting better, okay it was never bad but some closeness and trust was lost during her hospitalisation and needed to be rebuilt. I am still working at some, I have started to write my book. It’s a fiction based on events of reality that have happened in the past. This blog, that was one of my intentions. I try to assess how much I’ve accomplished when I’m having a bit of a dark slump that seems to have happened this week. It’s not always obvious to people who see me day to day but I feel it in the tension of the tightrope I walk trying to stay on the even keel of holding down the day job, carrying out mom duties whilst trying to solve the issues playing continuously in my mind that I struggle to get rid of.

There is a large amount of symbolism in Wicca but it serves a purpose, the rituals mean I’m doing something physical with the un-physical and sending them back out to the universe to come back as a positive. I need to burn some memories to cleanse them today. You can delete old photos from your phone but they remain in memory and the only way they can truly go is to print a copy and burn it. That’s what I’ll do today.

Going though my loft to clear it earlier this year I came across old photos and negatives these got burnt, not just thrown away. It was the only way to get rid for good. The same with birthday cards from my daughter’s dad that I’d kept over the years. I can now never believe that the words he’d written were ever meant and therefore they had to go. So paper gets burnt, possessions that can be of use get given to charity and the energy is released so that it can come back positive. There’s science in burning, as the molecules are broken down by the fire, the breaking of the bonds, the energy that makes the flames changes the energy that was stored within, the energy that created the words or the image, and cleanses it into something better, the ashes buried, it can feed the plants, the energy cycle is complete. I do this with everything that has caused me hurt in the past.

Yes perhaps a little crazy for some but it works for me. The cleansing continues with a clear out of possessions in our house. Broken things, stuff you don’t need. The feeling of release when it’s left my possession and is gone is therapeutic.

I will dry my sage and burn it later, ask for protection and draw my salt water pentacles on every window and then the cleanse will be complete. My house has changed dramatically from the one I bought out from my daughter’s dad. Nearly every piece of furniture replaced. Every wall repainted. The graft of doing this myself has been another therapeutic activity, it took away the feeling of loneliness and gave me a sense of pride and accomplishment as each job got finished. Carpets pulled up and floors painted. Walls painted over to create a dramatic change from the house that stood before.

Perhaps it will be only when the cleansing is complete that someone new can come in and stay. I often wondered if the fact this has been my house through everything intimidates new guy’s in case my past is not fully left behind. But there is no past left in the house. It’s hard to imagine the past that occurred here. Perhaps the recent past lingers still and so that’s the part I’m going to cleanse today. The photos of him that remain in my archive folders that I couldn’t quite get rid of. I already deleted every text, every conversation, everything he touched is washed, cleansed, it’s purely the last little bits in my mind. But now it all has to go. Two full moons and new moons have passed since, time to get ready for the equinox so that the cleanse will be complete. Then as we close down in preparation for the solstice when the death of the year happens and the newness can really begin I will be ready.

The energy in the air is sparkling with anticipation today. Ready and waiting for the last bits to go, it’s down to me now to put the past fully behind me. It’s with sadness perhaps that I say goodbye to the summer, a summer filled with some big disappointments in some ways, and yet also filled with some amazing new starts. I was disappointed in his failure to keep his promises, disappointed to leave a company after a long time of service with such a bitter taste in my mouth. But then I was perhaps focussing on the wrong things. I’ve been welcomed at the new place with open arms. There are new men and potential promises, we’ll see how that goes. Now the future is totally open, as I prepare for the shorter days, the dark mornings that have in the past few years worried me, I’m not as worried as I was before. The dark voice has been kept at bay, the dark nights will unleash my creative mind. The dark mornings will be difficult but will be okay. This time last year I was starting to feel trapped in a relationship that I had no control over, this year I’m free. Free is better than trapped, alone is better than trapped. There isn’t anything that I regret, there’s just no point. Regrets, like the eight of swords, blind you from the way out of your dark place. So I’m opening my eyes after my cleansing and focussing on what’s to come. The reminders of the recent past will be gone for good so the I can continue to build on the dreams. No more beating myself up, no more standing in my own way. This little urban witch has got work to do so she’s better get started…

Back to normal

With a bump I hit normality today, my alarm going off, me snoozing it for a full forty five minutes every nine minutes until it really was time to get my lazy arse out of bed. Oh man! Oh why? Monday morning blues on a Wednesday!

No proud mom school uniform Facebook posts with neat hair and a school tie were achieved, a. Because no school tie is in existence in this household, she needs a new one and had to buy one today… but they had already run out and well, b. neat hair is asking just a bit too much of little miss grunge extraordinaire herself. So we left it. She really isn’t that bothered.

I rifle through the wardrobe to find something office suitable, just about get my act together, scrape back my hair into a high ponytail and there’s how today is going to go. Papering over cracks today, making the best of shakey foundations till the day is over. It’s okay though, this is the first day back after just over a week of well earned rest, tomorrow will be better. I get in to find everything I left behind in a state of stasis, not so bad I guess, at least is hadn’t been meddled with which is normally worse.

I was not a people person today, I felt cold, the weather is so cold compared to the too hot temperatures that I’ve just left. I’d decided I should show off my slight tan on my legs so no tights… error… aircon made me freeze today! I guess I can’t win, tomorrow I’ll be more prepared… Winter is coming… winter is here if you trust the aircon in the office.

It was good to get back on the bike and zip to work though, and even better to get on the bike and zip home, plus my biker gear is warmer than the dress I wore to work today. Thoughts pass through my mind about how the hell I can become a millionaire tonight so I don’t have to do this again. I consider just becoming a Deliveroo rider so I can get paid to ride my bike all day… yes I know that’s a stupid idea…

I get home to puppers and daughter and life is instantly better. Daughter tells me about evil RE teacher, puppers show me how well behaved they’ve been, well apart from the tub of Ghee butter that the Malamute just ate… and the discovery that the Abominable Andrex Puppy has also stolen the toilet roll… but hey, they’re forgiven because of their waggy tails.

Life is okay, actually life is awesome even when you’ve just come down to earth with a bump. If you look for the small stuff, for me the fact I had enough ingredients in my cupboard to magic up home cooked food, the fact the shop is only 2 minutes walk from my house when I needed to run out and buy emergency loo roll… discovery happened via the shouts of “Mom! There’s no toilet roll!” And because I was slightly organised yesterday my favourite jeans were washed and dried ready for me to get out of work clothes and into more suitable “not doing much” gear.

I award my self a badge of achievement today for no audible C words and only one F word in the office. I managed to keep my inside voice in mostly… And also my genius rendition of the Little Mermaids song reworded to “I wanna be where the people aren’t”. Getting my peers to all spend the day humming Belinda Carlisle songs because I entered the office singing “we dream the same dreams…” just because…

It’s sucks that it’s only half seven at night and the light is fading already… Winter isn’t quite here… but if there’s an Ice Dragon on its way I will be sailing to a far off land till winter is gone.

So as I dream about sunshine, butterflies and not having a day job I consider my options for the evening, I recon my best laid plans can well just wait… the gym won’t cry if I don’t attend today, the supermarket can come to me when I can remember to put in this online order without wandering off because it’s boring. Tonight we are just relaxing, not worrying about stuff and living till the weekend which I’m hoping will be lazy. It’s been just over six weeks since I stopped antidepressants and I’m actually feeling just fine. It’s just over two years since the split with my daughter’s dad and I feel heeled. A bad day now is not really a bad day when I put my daily grumbles into perspective. No system crashes, no need to hide from my thoughts, I think the damage is fixed, the cracks I papered over today we’re simply tried eyes bags and greasy hair, that’s a hell of a lot better than the broken soul and the cracked mind held together with the “Trust me I’m okay!” Smile that was present only four months ago. The sparkle is back and I’m ready to seize the fun in even the dullest of days. Perhaps this time Tinderella is ready to do this living life to the fullest for real, guess you’ll just have to watch this space…

Cleaning out the mind

This morning I woke up troubled. There’s a lot of thinking space in the time spent avoiding talking. This isn’t a bad thing as such, I think I actually need the space the exorcise these thoughts and feelings. There’s a mix of them I think and perhaps trying to work out what they are will help me sort them through and find peace. It’s not really a crashing low as I’ve had before because I don’t feel hopeless or like there’s no way out as I have done so many times before, just troubled with a busy mind and a mirrad of thoughts and feelings about those thoughts.

My daughter still sleeping and the opportunity to create some space I’m doing the thing that works best, writing it down and processing it as I do to see what’s going on and how or if I need to fix it.

This week I’m surrounded by couples, old, new, somewhere in between, with kids, childless but couples all the same. Some seem happy, actually most seem a little unhappy but in lots of different ways. The happiest ones seem to have formed a gang with others and are now a gang of couples all taking, laughing drinking, leaving their kids to it. We are social animals by nature I guess. I’ve witnessed the ever so slightly resentful couples who are holding the tightrope of tension between each other so hard that nothing is going to fall off it in public, but what happens behind closed doors?

We witnessed on older couple in the restaurant yesterday looking particularly tense, she looked downright miserable and he was looking at every pretty girl who walked past. Human nature I guess but still it was very obvious and disrespectful to his lady friend. Even worse was when he invited another lady to come sit with them and ignored his eating partner (we can only assume was his wife) and continued to talk to the other lady. When she got up to leave he demanded she sat back down. I can only imagine how humiliated she felt at that moment.

I vowed to myself never to allow myself to be put into that position, no matter how old and ugly I get or how long I’ve been with someone.

I’ve done a relatively good job of removing the one from my mind in the last week, but the stupid idiot managed to cross it yesterday and I can’t really work out what it is I’m feeling. There’s an element of loss and I think actually the biggest feeling is the disappointment of loss. I’m disappointed that he made so many promises and just didn’t keep them. I’m disappointed that when I reminded him I knew the relationship might not be forever he told me he had every intention of being there forever. I’m disappointed that that he allowed me to open up and let him in knowing I’d been pretty badly hurt and then did just the same and wonder whether he meant to. I’m not sure he did, but he did anyway. I guess some of me wants him to just feel that pain, remember it and never do this to anyone else again. I’m probably just searching for answers that I’m never going to get and that’s the hard part. How do you stop the thoughts knowing that no one is ever going to say the words that stop those thoughts from running away with your mind and potentially make you lose it.

I remember that this time there’s no buffer of the fake seretonin and therefore I’m doing okay. I’m not crashing this time as I have so many times before when I was relying on it. I think whilst antidepressants are great to help you continue with life, putting food on the table etc. They may just have a tendency to over buffer you and make the lows feel worse. So either it’s strength of mind that I’ve now regained or perhaps the fake highs before were making it worse. Then again, everything is my life is better, I’ve worked hard to get there, perhaps something like this is no longer making me crash because in balance it’s just one thing at one time and not everything all at once.

The times we’d split before there was a huge amount of other noise in my life, my job was really not going the best, there was a lot of stress in the company I had been working at after a long project where everyone was exhausted and a restructure of teams left me feeling very lost. My work buddies had previously been the people to get me through the tough stuff. When everything changed that support network disappeared overnight. There were plenty of other things going on too at that point that have all been resolved or are at least manageable now. So perhaps this is the point at which I can now work on these thoughts to get them over with.

So yes I think the main thing I’m feeling is disappointment. I guess when someone feeds the furnace, making you think that something is bigger than it is, you are going to be disappointed when they suddenly, without warning cut off the fuel, close the air ducts and expect the fire to die. But of course if there’s been a lot of fuel that fire is going to take a while to go down, or if the air runs out first then the fuel just sits in the furnace unused until someone either relights it or cleans it out. Cleaning it out is my preference, all the debris from the past fuel will be gone too. So today I’m cleansing the furnace. There won’t be any answers to my questions and I just need to accept that. I can answer them myself sure but I’ve done a lot of that already and let’s face it, over analysing this kind of thing sends you into a bit of a downward spiral, so I’m not going to.

There’s a clever bit of psychology around looking at yourself firstly as you see yourself, then how you perceive others may see you, then lastly asking others to be truthful in how they really see you, that’s the hard part, getting an honest answer to the third question, and then of course accepting it and working on it. I guess I’m lucky in lots of ways to have had plenty of honest feedback on how people really see me over the years and the opportunities to act on it. If you don’t do this it’s actually impossible to function as a well adjusted adult. I know that he probably has never really had this and doesn’t take criticism well so runs instead. It’s the part of growing up that when running a business in an insular environment you probably don’t get the exposure to. He never actually got any criticism from me but I think his guilty conscience for his behaviour got the better of him so rather than talk about it he decided to read between the lines and run rather than face up to the fact he might just have been causing hurt. No doubt I’m not the first person he’s done this to.

So there’s my answers I guess. Having thought it through properly it feels better, the lack of answers don’t really matter. I don’t think they’d make much difference anyway. I’m starting to feel like the cleansing process has worked. There’s room for the new guy, calling him the one who make me forget feels unfair now, I’m not really sure what name he’ll get just yet. But I hope it’s a good one and he’s worth the words, I think he is. Today after my thought cleansing and the surprising release I feel freer to actually consider a future properly without the sense of loss hanging over the newness that is happening right now. When I get back I will actually have missed the new guy, but in a good way, in a “I’ve had a great time, now lets spend some time together” kind of way. I’m getting used to the feelings of having my own life and not needing to be permanently in contact with someone and it’s a good feeling. I have gained more than I’ve lost in so many ways. My sense of self grows daily and the feeling of being a person in my own right without the need to be validated has arrived. Perhaps I’m now ready this time and perhaps this time it will be right for me. I’m just going to take things moment by moment and worry less about the things I can’t control…

Wanderlust

As a single woman who wouldn’t think twice about going for a wander where I live I forget how lucky I am with the life that I lead in my home city. Today I decided to venture out into the city of Marrakech where me and my daughter are staying for a week. We had been warned that it’s a dangerous place especially for single women. Well I’ve had experience of bustling North African cities before having been to Tunisia several times, before the tragic events a few years back and had actually always loved venturing out into the busy medinas never feeling in danger. Having spoken to our hotel guide here I was reassured that there was little if any danger and to just keep my wits about me as even though men will look they are unlikely to touch.

So we ventured down to main road having planned our route straight through the centre of the medina to the main square where the largest Mosque stood. We were happily surprised by how welcome we were made. Dressed in our army boots (great for walking) shorts and vest tops with checked shirts for sun protection we probably didn’t look like the usual tourist here… most dressed in their flip flops and other unsuitable walking gear.

The first thing we noticed was that we were the only people walking in these parts who were tourists, but it was great to see the real city behind the tourism and not just the bits that they want you to see. We stopped in a cafe for a break, the man was a little surprised to see a small red head and her blue haired daughter, most of his clientele being men. But he welcomed us in and found us his best table and bought coffee and water leaving us to it. He seemed happy to have new customers, I was wondering if he had set up his cafe close to the hotel in the hope some of the guests would pass by, but as you can expect probably saw little of it because of the naivety of the warnings given to travellers that you just cannot go out, you must get on the tourist bus like everyone else and pay your travel agent money if you are to see the city. I’m always a little sceptical of this, the prices you pay to a travel agent to take you somewhere often being about four times the price.

We carried on through the main city walls and into the city following our GPS. The streets were winding and exiting. There were donkeys, mopeds, motorbikes, cars, trucks, wheelbarrows, mules, in fact if you can think of a mode of transport it probably existed at some point in the busy back streets of Marrakech. There were certainly a few ‘friendly’ men offering to take you on a tour but it was simply a case of being bold and saying no, they would leave without hassle as long as it was said with a smile. We walked for hours. There were various reactions, lots of welcomes. What was actually quite nice was that when a less trustworthy person approached there was always a shop keeper or passer by happy to point that out and often tell them they should be ashamed and to leave people alone. I actually found this quite refreshing and realised that actually this city is no different to home, where we have plenty of people hanging about willing to try and take money from and innocent passer by. I think that the perceived danger is often that it’s a different culture, different religion, women here wear a mixture of dress from western style to the full Hijab but everyone seems to just get on with it.

The only hassle we got all day was right in the main tourist bit from a guy holding snakes specifically set up to take money from tourists. When I gave him a coin he demanded paper. When I said no, it wasn’t him that became nasty, but his wife. We simply walked away. The police were there already… in fact the only police we had seen on patrol were in the very place that is marketed as ‘safe’ by the tour operators, and actually this was the place where we got the most hassle.

So here is my understanding of how it works in so called dangerous countries. Actually the danger is generally born of your own nievity because wherever you go in the world there will always be someone who will attempt to take advantage of people who don’t have their wits about them and there’s no one type of religion or skin colour that causes that.

Hunger causes people to do weird things, and often the bartering, the desperstion for someone to hand over money is someone trying to feed themselves if not others too. We forget how lucky we are in the UK, if we have no job then more often than not the tax payer gives us money. In other countries you are simply left begging, poor in other countries really does actually mean poor and not just having to decide between school uniform of Sky TV.

So my advice about going off the beaten track, speak to a local in your hotel for advice about how safe it really is. Ask for routes, places and how it is best to get there. You will see the bits of the country that your tour operators will not show you and you will experience additional bits to your holiday that money can’t buy.

Mind blown…

Sometimes you just get to a point when you have a serious case of information overload and you need to sit in a darkened room to process everything for a few hours. A bit like the time before the digital age when film was processed in the dark so that nothing else could pollute the film before the developing fluid had done its job and made the information, the image, that the light had burnt in that short few milliseconds of exposure a permanent feature to last forever.

Well today I’m at that point. The film in my head is full, it’s ready to be processed and if anything else gets in there the information is only going to get polluted and the useful information lost. There will be great pictures I need to keep forever, and those awful ones that I wonder how the hell they got there and will need to put aside, then the mediocre almost useful but only in context memories that I should keep just in case.

As a typical ENFP according to the Myers Briggs theory of assessing your personality, I’m an extrovert, looking at the world in an intuitive way, assessing the information through feelings and perceiving the actions I need to take rather than making solid plans. I’m actually a borderline extrovert/introvert, yep an ambivert! This means I flick between the two, so when the info gets all a little bit much I have to shut the doors to my brain and calm it all down before I can communicate again, or I tend to have a bit of a melt down.

Today the information overload hit me at about 11am… actually I think the information overload has been building since Monday, then with little sleep because sometimes I go through cycles of insomnia I haven’t had chance to turn my brain off and give it a good rest. These are the points where I really have to prioritise who I communicate with to make sure I don’t accidentally upset anyone and also cause myself damage in the process.

Here’s where the trouble with tech comes in. We are always contactable because we have mobile phones. I have had to train myself to ignore messages when I am not ready to process that info. But of course with that comes the guilt. Some people just can’t help themselves, they have to check that, last seen or read receipt when actually I’d rather they didn’t!

Luckily you can turn this off now for a lot of things, but it’s a bit obvious when you do. I have learnt not to care. People who know me well will understand and people who don’t will just have to try… perhaps they don’t deserve the privilege of that read receipt anyway…

The benefits of modern day life bring with it their own new issues. There is constant information but perhaps little thought. There’s the ability to contact each other 24/7, documentation of every moment which is great when it’s your baby pictures or that post about the great day out but when it’s your latest mental break down and you write a post, then that’s the bit of documentation that can be used against you. Having been hauled over the coals over something trivial for this by a previous employer I’m very careful about how my social media is connected to my personal thoughts and actions trying to keep my professional life and personal life separate.

I’m not in any way ashamed that my mental state is sometimes a little unstable, I would like to meet a person who doesn’t have that issue. It’s how we project that information and whether we know how to get help when things aren’t quite right. I’m just over a month off my meds now and actually haven’t had a crashing low yet. It’s liberating that I know I’m doing this all myself now and it’s also reassuring to know that I can cope now even when things get stressful.

So the darkened room, well not too dark right now, I’m looking at the ends of today’s August sunshine and reminding myself that sunlight is good for me. But the processing time as I write today’s post is helping me to calm down and sort the spaghetti of thoughts into something more manageable. I’m not going to beat myself up for feeling a little stressed. Today I’ve been dealing with research and development for unknown technology, the tech itself hasn’t been stressful but the need to reassure, answer questions, facilitate communication between people who are not naturally communicative has been a little testing. That and the discovery that my daughter has left her passport with her dad less than a week before we go on her own holiday, meant that slight worry set in. I had been worrying that he may decide to withhold it after my daughter spent a period of six weeks not wanting to see him. So I did what I felt best and called him. This put my mind at rest. Whilst I didn’t think he really would have done that the thought crossed my mind and the worry was hard to put a stop to so calling and sorting it was another thing out of that tangled brain of mine and one less worry to process.

So with issues dealt with mostly and home a bit disorganised today after starting to get things ready for a holiday, I’m deciding to take some time out of it today so I can come back fresh tomorrow. Gone are the days of pushing myself to absolute breaking point, putting every other person’s needs before my own, my daughter is fed and happy having had a nice reuniting hug after her time away with her dad. It’s time now to just let those thoughts process and get them organised and happy again.

It’s good that I’ve learnt to do this and recommend to anyone who asks to take that bit of time to just sit there and do nothing and remember to feel absolutely no guilt at all! When we give our everything all the time, people expect that level of service all the time. Sometimes we need to take that time back for ourselves, because very often the taker wouldn’t even give that a second thought, but sometimes they need to learn to self smooth, because when you’re fixing everyone else, who’s going to fix you? “Learn to fix yourself” is my favourite bit of advice I’ve ever been given. So today I’m processing the memories in my mind of my day, and fixing it good so I’m fully prepared for the next one…