Positive power

As a girl who always cuts herself down today I’ve started to try and be positive. I always believed second best was all I was really good for, I didn’t want to be second best it was just my way of protecting myself from the disappointment of being let down. Perhaps the crashing disappointment in myself for yet again not being good enough. Today I’m faking it to get to making it.

I overthink, that’s why I’m here, but writing this down stops me bursting after dwelling for such a long time. Sometimes the spoken word is too hard to speak, but the written word can be considered, formed, edited until the real self is realeased. Words spoken in angst never really relay the true feelings behind it but the writing can make the meaning that you didn’t quite know yourself come out.

Today I’m trying being thankful for whatever has come to pass and whatever is coming my way. My faith has never been in gods to carry me through, I carry myself through the path that the universe opens up for me little by little. Sometimes I don’t know where that path goes so I think of where I want it to go and it opens up that way.

In the past feeling second best made my path open up to reveal second best was my lot. Scared of getting hurt, abandoned you push away the good because losing it would hurt so you never get the good to heal the hurt and battered and bruised your heart carries on guarded, like the marathon runner with the sprained ankle trying to finish but no personal best.

Today will start my days of personal bests. The best I can be, my competition is me, my Yesterday self to push her forward to my better self. When I forget what the others do, I stop caring about comparing myself. Our downfall is always in comparing ourselves and betraying ourselves for not being as good, but we forget our background, our journey is different from theirs. Nobody tells you about the pain in getting there, they just tell you when they got there. That was the part none of the guys I’ve dated so far could understand. When other people hit a life event for some reason guys get insecure and either try to force that life even on you or run away because they don’t believe in their ability to get there.

My life is not about jumping through hoops anymore, it’s about following my heart, if the hoops are in my path I’ll jump for them but if not I can walk away. like when you play a computer game and have to collect the coins or gold hoops, I’m not Sonic the Hedgehog anymore. Because we need to stay focused on the end point the path, what we want to get to, collect the hoops on the way, ignore the ones that lead you down a well. It will be okay, it is okay have faith in yourself because you can do whatever you want when you decide it’s right for you.

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Memes we can relate to

Why have I got to have a billion emotions everyday?

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When you see a read receipt then they go offline…

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Me getting my heart broken over and over again

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How I feel all the time, either I never see him or I miss him because it’s over

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I just don’t get this dating game at all!?! Exclusive but not his girlfriend, together but not public

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When you just can’t get the stupid man out of your head but you’re so happy when you get to see him

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Why do I always break these rules?!?

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Hold your head up girl, never beg a man to be with you, if he’s leaving, he really isn’t all that

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Just remember this and give yourself a hug, you are awesome and he didn’t deserve you

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The last goodbye

Sometimes you can’t hold on to someone no matter how hard you try. Sometimes your efforts to be the person you feel they deserve makes you bend and push and distort yourself to the point you’re just not sure who you are anymore.

Sometimes dreams die and you should grieve them like a real death. It’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be human. People make promises and break them, they meant them when they made them they just couldn’t live with the gravity of what they promised.

He said he didn’t want any ties. He’d been to visit friends who had just got engaged after traveling the world, our life long dream that we couldn’t have, well not right now perhaps one day but it was too much for him to feel the disappointed of another shattered dream of so many dreams he’d had that were shattered and so he set me free.

I never wanted to become a wife, not before I had met him. I never understood what marriage could have meant before I met him. I waited so long for him to become himself again. I waited for the promises of soon and one day but they didn’t come, he gave up instead.

Dont let your heart rule your head they always say, but then follow your heart they say too. Here we sit at opposite ends, me following my heart, his head ruling and his head winning.

The loss is like a hole, it’s cavernous inside my soul where the soul mate that once lived has taken himself away.

Whilst I want to love again I’m not sure I can. Everything ends in goodbye one day whether you are the one leaving or the one being left behind living with the loss.

There is no other way than to grieve the death of the dreams and bury them deep in the ground cremated letting them go back into the universe like a wish that the dreams will one day be fulfilled.

Sometimes these dreams were just a glimps of the future dreams you can’t have yet. I won’t give up, I’ll find new dreams one day and pursue them with an open heart, when these dreams that I had are truly dead and buried to be reborn as something new.