I Surrender

So I gave myself the space the think. After Thursdays date which I’m now glad nothing much other than a drink and a goodnight kiss happened, I’ve decided that guy wasn’t for me, and guess what, rather than keeping him hanging, I’ve told him already. I’m not waiting for the one who makes me forget to come back either. If he does, we’ll see. If he doesn’t his loss.

I kinda think that after everything that’s happened it’s time to give it a rest. Time to stop worrying about finding the right person because when I do it’s either a guy who I like but he’s too immature to tell me straight what he wants, or plays games, or it’s a guy who’s just so lonely and desperate that he starts to get stalky and I don’t want either of these things.

I kind of wonder if this is the loneliness that is a strong woman’s lot. You meet a guy on a dating app, he’s either bigged himself up because he’s insecure, or hidden everything about himself because he’s insecure too. You’re downright honest and upfront, you tell him about yourself, and he either thinks, “well I can’t compete” or “I’ll have a damned good go”.

The guys on Elite Dating, well they are in no way elite, they’re on every other dating app too.

This is the thing, it’s the same shit, different app. Perhaps actually you can meet someone organically. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to really leave it to the universe and not technology. I don’t want these experiences to make me cynical but it’s starting to happen so it’s time to stop.

Perhaps I’m just too lazy in my old age. Perhaps more it’s just I’m too old for this shit! If there’s gonna be a guy he’ll have his shit together and will damned well tell me!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I turn 38! Scary isn’t it? Getting older can make you feel really insecure. I know that single guys without kids are looking to have them, and sometimes I think it’s my age that puts them off. ‘The one’ split up with me for that reason once, it hurt so much. He was the person I was willing to put my body through that again for, but he didn’t want to put me through it. There’s nothing like being told you’re perfect but you’re too old. The dumb thing is I’m probably biologically younger than most of the girls he’s dated because I take the time to look after myself. I wear sunscreen every day, I drink lots of water, I eat right. The turns you’ve had around the sun really don’t mean all that much.

I’m still undecided about whether I’d have children again. It’s not a burning desire right now, and the idea of putting another first for another 18 years after I’ve already done that since I was young is a decision I’d really have to consider, but with the right guy I would. Perhaps the one who made me forget who was clearly going to make a good dad one day had decided that I wouldn’t and that was his problem, perhaps we’ll just never know.

Perhaps the fact I already have a teenage daughter put him off. Some men assume that responsibility will fall on them and they don’t want that, when it’s not even what me or my daughter want either.

So I sent him one last text, I kinda know in my heart he’ll never reply. It was a bit of a long one along the gist of I’m sorry, I wish him well, I’m confused what happened, I hope he’s okay. Too needy, probably. I have no idea how to play these games so I just don’t play them. I loose when I do so I just don’t contend.

Perhaps that’s half the issue, everyone else is playing games too. So when you meet a guy and you don’t play games, because the last one did, he has no idea whether you’re telling the truth or not. The last one ruins it for the new one and it’s a vicious circle.

I went out with a friend last night who is becoming a good friend. He’s had similar problems and also kinda gave up. It’s really just sad that you get to the point where you feel that way. Your bright blue butterflies turn into drab brown moths because you’re expecting the worst and so attract that instead.

So I hold my hands up! I quit! I’m waving the white flag of surrender! I’m not looking for a one night stand, I don’t think I ever really was, boredom and my insecurities led me down that path a few times in the past. Sometimes you do that because you feel the need to prove you’ve still got it, sad really. The guys who send dick pics can really all fuck off. What leads a man the think that’s acceptable? I don’t know? You’re talking and then… oh there it is… yes we’ve all played at sexting and sometimes it’s fun, but when you make out you want something different and then change the tune so suddenly it’s just down right creepy.

Time to take some alone time, time to concentrate on home, ramp up my career further and stop procrastinating.

Being a lonely queen is better than being lumbered with the court jester for eternal company…

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Mr Elite

So I joined a new dating site apparently for elite people… it seems the clientele is perhaps more in my demographic than your typical Tinder guy although most of them seem to be miles away! I’m really not into this long distance thing.

Last night I had a date with my first match from the site, he lived in the next city and invited me to his where he would then take me out. This seemed fair and I guess gives me the chance to work out if this guy really is as Elite as the site says.

I turn up at his having driven through torrential rain, and arrive about an hour later. He’s watching darts, which he keeps on the TV as we’re sitting on his sofa having a beer and sort of talking but he seems a pretty closed book. He asks a fair few questions about me so I respond enthusiastically about my job blah blah.

I ask him what the plan is… jokingly… there was no plan, he’d wanted me to decide what to do in his city where he was apparently going to show me the bright lights of his domain. Hmmm so far he’s not scoring many points.

When I go on a date I always go dressed ready for action just in case, my nice pretty set from Boux Avenue and hold ups under my pencil skit… hope this wasn’t going to go to waste.

After about half an hour of slightly awkward conversation and me giggling to fill in the silence he moves in for the kiss. Pretty good, I bite him to see what his reaction is, it gets steamy… okay that’s better.

He leads me upstairs to his bedroom which is such a blokes bedroom lol! Bed in the corner, no attention to furniture placement although he’s lit candles already so this was clearly the plan… why didn’t he just say that?

I strip, he pulls of the underwear with no appreciation of the effort gone in, this guy is a little out of practice I think with girls like me. Him being recently divorced I wonder a little if it was like this with his wife. So we go for a bit of a marathon, me showing the benefit of my yoga moves and mess up the sheets. He’s pretty much silent but I think he likes it and he’s pretty good, the right amount of rough, gentle guys who just lie there bore me. Suddenly he pulls out shouting “Oh fuck!” Lots and really loudly, I think oh my god I’ve broken him? No it’s okay he’s just finishing, okay I get it he’s silent till that happens. Phew. I apologise tongue in cheek for making his bed a bit more broken, it was already a bit unstable, like doing it on some sort of moving platform. We get dressed again and go back downstairs, have another beer, watch more darts… he tells me most women don’t react like that and he’s gonna have to put in some serious work down the gym to keep up. Yes you are… I think perhaps watching species when I was younger was a bigger influence on me than I dare to admit.

20 minutes later we’re back up stairs, this time he wants to see my underwear, although it doesn’t stay on long lol! We’re back on the unsteady bed making enough noise to be heard probably down the street. To be fair this guy floats my boat. Although to be honest I still keep thinking about ‘the one’ nothing has ever compared to that guy. And this guy doesn’t seem to be able to banter or want to stay up late and watch films. I’m blatantly trying to find a replacement for something I’m missing just like I did with the ‘stand in’.

So we change the sheets, I double check it’s okay to stay, fully prepared to go stay in a hotel because well I’ve had a couple of beers, it’s a long way home and I’m not 100% sure what this guy had in mind.

He was expecting me to stay, phew that’s okay, I think. We go to bed to sleep this time. And actually I get a decent night’s sleep. Although his bed isn’t as comfortable as mine. I’m not really sure about this guy. So in the morning I say my goodbyes and head home. We’ll see how this one pans out. I think a lot about ‘the one’ when I’m driving home, I do actually miss him a lot. Although I don’t miss the frustration of him always being too busy to spend time with me, and not being able to get his act together. But on a human to human basic level I really don’t think there’s anyone else who fits with me as well as him.

We’ll see how it goes with Mr Elite, he’s more my age which I guess is good, he lives way too far away though and I’m really not sure a long distance relationship is something I want. He’s not really a Mr Grey despite his promises before hand although he has potential.

To be continued….