The One that made me forget…

Last night, a bit tired and not sure whether I could be bothered I went out to meet a guy that I’d been talking to online for real. He’d actually made the effort to ask me out at the beginning of the week and to be honest I had half expected him to stand me up. This seems to be the way it goes, so of course I’d had a few dates in the week and as you’ve read if you’re a regular follower they weren’t all that great. I really wasn’t expecting much at all.

So as I’m walking to the place we’re about to meet he texts me and am surprised he’s asking me what I want to drink. Fair play, this one’s making an actual effort.

I get to the place stand outside a sec and then approach the door as he’s there to meet me looking very nervous. He says “I’m really sorry but my ex-girlfriend is right there at the bar, can we go somewhere else?” And I just laugh and say sure. He explains it wasn’t a great end to a relationship and she’s likely to cause trouble, and I reassure him we’ve all got mental ex’s as I think about the list of potential people who were in danger of bumping into from my past too.

We find another bar, get a drink and start talking, we go to another bar and do the same, as he starts to relax, we talk about everything and anything. I’m starting to wonder how this will work out, I actually start to really like him as we team up against the rest of the world laughing at dodgy outfits, slightly strange social behaviour and talk about stuff and things. He’s asked me what I do for a living because he thinks that I must do spread sheets and so I explain and he looks baffled, apologises for having no idea and I laugh and say well why would you if you’ve never dealt with that stuff?

He takes me on a wander towards the metal club I like even though he’s not really a metal fan and I say it’s fine let’s go in the pub next door instead because I’d rather talk. He orders drinks, I have to pop to the loo. As I go towards them I walk past a girl who is a friend of ‘the one’ I’m not sure she has any idea about me, as we all know he kept his cards to his chest. I laugh in my head. I knew she would sometimes train at the gym with him and one day I’d got jealous for about 5 minutes when she’d posted their training online, it was some gymnastics style stuff and it had really pissed me off, but that was more because he was spending time with her and had avoided me for 5 weeks at that point than I had actually thought he was cheating with her. So this girl that had bothered me a bit was a bar maid, and wannabe burlesque dancer, but really a bar maid. Seems like most of his female interests were that way, the singer who actually worked on the perfume counter and so on. He wasn’t good with real women evidently and stuff clicked in my head and I felt better. I’m the opposite, I’m not so deluded about getting famous, I’m different, successful and happy with what I am.

That was the first time I’d thought about him all night and there were no pangs, more of a… hope she recognises me and tells him I’m having fun…. feeling instead.

I come back from the loo and he’s gone, I panic a little then as I’m about to text joking half not joking “did you run away” he’s walking towards me looking nervous. He’s worried I’m going to be pissed off and we just laugh. I dunno what kind of princesses he was dating before but wow they’ve made him worry a lot. He relaxes, we kiss, finish our beer, kiss more, we are necking at the bar like teenagers on the dance floor but we don’t give a shit. He asked if I want to go to more bars and I say I’m done with bars tonight so he says my place or yours? We go to mine.

He’s everything I’ve been missing, there is no space for ‘the one’ to cross my mind. We get not much sleep. Emotions are there, it’s not just a routine, there’s no feeling of challenge, I don’t need to break him. We wake up early and the spark’s still there, he has to get back to his cousin’s dog who he’s been looking after but stays a little longer for more even though we’re both shattered.

After he’s gone home I’m sat here reading texts from Mr Clingy number 3 and those that I’m now probably not likely to meet. The one from the night before who left me so empty is already there asking to wake up with me, I’m not quite sure how to let him down yet. Man Pokemon 2 wants to see me today but I’ll tell him I’m too hungover, part of me is hoping he saw me out last night and got the message and never comes back… cold but I just don’t care how he feels especially after the forced kiss that showed little if no respect.

I’m not sure where this will go. Perhaps he’ll never call me again, although I get the feeling he will. Today my constant thoughts about ‘the one’ are gone. If anything he’s cured me even if it’s just for a while. But I’ve realised that actually ‘the one’ was just another guy, better than some hence I fell for him, but actually he’s not the be all and end all and there’s better out there, I just had to be patient.

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Is he for real??!?

So 3 weeks… I think it’s 3 weeks, after the one ended it saying “I don’t want any ties” I’m back to confidence on a dating site that isn’t Tinder swiping through eligible bachelors to only see… yep you guessed it… him! Back out there trying to find a woman. Okay so I’m doing the same but I wasn’t the one who ended it saying I didn’t want ties. I was the one trying to make it work whilst he couldn’t be fucked to leave his dismal flat. Clearly this guy just wanted a fuck buddy and not a girlfriend. I start to wonder. No social media posts about relationships, didn’t like holding hands in public, very rarely did we actually go anywhere. My mind was racing. Still wondering.

Okay so this inadequate guy didn’t really want a relationship but struggled to actually let me go. Would tell me I was his etc. But actually he wanted the benefits of me without being committed to him but not the commitment on his part and probably the freedom to see other people if he felt like it. I hate when people are so dishonest, just say what you want and don’t lead people on.

This is the guy who last year when he saw I was in a seemingly happy relationship waded right back in there because “he missed me”. Okay I would have ended it with the Stand In anyway but that’s not the point. He just didn’t like that I wasn’t his anymore and someone else was there.

Soon as he got me back… well we’ve all read that history. So this guy gets a trip to Rome paid for by me, passport because he’s so fucking useless sorted by me, breaks up with me on the last night… usual shit, and then we’re back together after he tells me he is feeling lost blah blah. On his 29th birthday he’s thinking of ending his life apparently because he thinks he’s a failure. Of course dumb little me is there saying don’t be silly, building him up when actually he really didn’t deserve it should have told him to man the fuck up.

I can’t help but wonder if he’d been doing this all along, would explain his lack of “performance” the last time when he came over, ate free food then fucked off.

This guy clearly has massive issues and needs women chasing him but can’t actually handle committing to anyone. Well let him carry on! I hope he gets as hurt as the hurt I’ve felt because of him. I’m not going to do anything to get revenge, tempting though that may be. No point cursing someone, you only get that back times 3 and he’s not worth that. Karma will totally get the fucker.

My best answer is silence. I’ve blocked as many means for him to communicate as I can think of even though I continue to care for one of his pets… a favour he asked of me and I was so happy to oblige, thinking this was him finally showing the beginnings of trust and commitment, I’ll continue to care because it’s not that poor animals fault. I’m kinda attached to him now and he’s starting to thrive again in my care and actually since it’s a snake the metaphor is pretty clear! I realise his request was not really about showing trust, it was just a way to load off an inconvenience for him to someone stupid enough to say yes.

Then again this guy has never had a job, he’s had his own business from uni. Didn’t pay for uni, parents appear to bail him out constantly. This is effectively a child living part of an adults life. That’s not for me. Much as I like to be immature, I can pay my way and when shit needs handling I roll up my sleeves and face it head on!

Me at 29, had a job, a car, a 6 year old to care for, my own place paid for by the hard earned graft of me and my daughter’s dad. Whilst We still lived together We we’re both putting in the graft to keep us afloat. I would never have dreamed of asking for help.

On the other hand this is the guy who regularly goes back to mummy’s house to hide and eat all her food whilst she’s on holiday.

I’m done with overgrown children. I have a real one of my own to look after. I can’t help but wonder if his “distance” was all about he was seeing other people. So there we go! The so called nice guy who would “never cheat” because it apparently traumatised him when it happened to him knows absolutely nothing of the real pain of it happening in a real relationship when you have a child to look after, lesson learnt there… your intuition is very strong, the words they say mean nothing when your intuition is ringing alarm bells! This has been proven time and time again.

Is it too much to ask that a guy treats you with respect? Especially when you’ve done nothing but be supportive and understanding, helped him out when he’s asked? No it isn’t. This guy belongs on the big burning pile of ex’s that deserve to rot.

I don’t wish him a nice life anymore, I wish him the life he deserves… let karma sort him out.

Rant over lol!

Anti depressant free

I took the step I’ve been wanting to take but was way too scared to do for the last few months. Yesterday I stopped taking my Sertraline. I’m on day two and feeling strong and able to do this. I had planned to phase off but I’ve just stopped and feel good. I think they had become a habit when actually I’m better now, my mind is healed and my future is there right in front of me. I needed them when I had them, they gave the the ability to keep strong when the seas of my life got incredibly rough.

At the beginning of the year there was no way I could have done this. I’d actually self harmed because the feelings of no control over my life were overwhelming. I’ve been reading the book “The Secret” and really do believe that if I keep my mind focused and continue to strive for what I want, visualise myself getting it and being very grateful for it I’ll do it. So I’ve started to write down what I actually want out of my life. This may change but right now I know what I don’t want and that’s the past. By wallowing in the past and thinking I’m trapped I push myself back into it and that’s been my downfall for so many many years.

I had always felt guilty about the things I just couldn’t change when actually none of these things were my fault. My approach to breakups has changed. I’m not 100% over the one but I will be. And he’s not the one that got away, he’s just another one that wasn’t right for me and would have held me back because of his own fears of life.

I am no longer going to sit in my house and wonder what I could have been, I’m going to strive to be the person I want to be. Each step will be a small step towards my real happiness and no one will be able to take that away when I’m doing it for me because I’m not relying on anyone else to make it for me.

All good things end, and that’s okay. Books, films, relationships, childhoods, life, they all end and it’s that fear of that change and the events after the change that often hold us back.

Today I’ve reached some ends of my own. My reliance on antidepressants to boost my mood, I boosted my own today. My reliance on an unsuitable guy to make me feel loved, I’m loved anyway and the right person will find me if I just allow myself to be found. My need to starve myself to be thin, I’m going to eat properly and feed my body. The need for people I work with to tell me I’m good at what I do, my results will be the reassurance I need.

Today I’m visualising a girl who can fight her own battles, who’s a pillar of strength for those around her that need it. My inner Daenarys just got born and my dragons await. But life won’t be a battle, life will be a dream, my dream.

Here is what I see… the beautiful dreamer that the one was sat in his flat afraid to make his dreams come true so will be forever alone unless he changes. His inability to step up and make stuff happen dragged me down and stopped me believing in the dreams we had shared. My dreams stay the same in many ways but without a reliance on him to be in them. I’m happy on my own, being myself with no one to hold me back anymore. I will travel and see all the things I’ve wanted to see and I’m not afraid to do that alone. I will at some point make that change to work for myself when the time is right and the plans are in place. I will do everything I told myself I couldn’t and the right man when he appears will be there to cheer me on. In the mean time I’m filling my life with the things that I want, gym sessions, walks with my dogs, reading good books, making new friends, sharing with old friends and my life is only getting better.

 

 

The relief of not missing you

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When people first read this their initial thought is happily ever after, but actually for me it was the opposite. This was something I saw towards the end of the relationship with the guy we refer to as “the one” and struck a chord with me. In spite of my efforts to bridge the gap and see him regularly he was “too busy”, “working too hard”, feeling stressed etc. He’d gone into himself and would leave me with “soon” or “maybe” and kept me hanging there whilst my heart was slowly breaking. I trusted him, and know his reasons weren’t because he’d found someone else, he’s not that type of guy, he’s more they type that fears the gravity of commitment and so runs and hides. See this guy wanted to be single but have the comfort sometimes of someone there but could give nothing back.

For me this picture actually meant “I can’t wait till I’m properly over you” Not because I hated him or anything like that, more because I didn’t like the feeling of constantly being let down, feeling insecure like he was about to abandon me again as he had before. This time is less than a week on and I’m actually feeling okay. I think I managed to get the grief of it out quickly in the first couple of days and got to the point I am at now where I can look at things on the internet that remind me of him without feeling that sudden pang of heartache. Earlier scrolling though my Facebook feed I saw lots of little clips that normally one of us would have shared with the other and felt more a fondness about how I would have shared it with him or he would have sent it to me but there was no sudden panic that he was gone, or devastation as I’d felt so many times before. Perhaps I really am finally over him? I’m starting to feel as I do with my daughter’s dad, not really all that much anymore. The fear of losing him has gone and the fear of him coming back and hurting me all over again has also gone. At this moment I feel if he came back I’d most likely say no. I don’t think I’m willing to feel that amount of hurt again. Perhaps I’ve really actually learnt to value my needs above those of someone who doesn’t, let face it I’m not his mum so why was I giving love so unconditionally for him to take it as he pleased?

It’s not really a case that I don’t care about him, I’ll always care that he’s okay because he’s actually a nice person who is just a bit confused. I’m starting to feel if he does or has found someone else then that’s okay. There’s a slight tinge of “Please don’t hurt anyone else the way you’ve hurt me” but other than that I’m just not that bothered. I’m finally free of feeling like I need him. Perhaps it’ll all come crashing down tomorrow, but I really think it won’t.

So today I’m antidepressant free, I don’t think I need them anymore, I’m feeling good. Perhaps there’s a life lesson I’ve managed to learn here; when I met him I was lost, alone, severely depressed and struggling to find my identity. I’d not been myself for 15 years, if not longer. I had no idea how to be on my own, no idea who I was or what the hell I wanted in life. I was scared, I did not know how to be single, I hadn’t been single since I was 18. At that young age and earlier I had the misconception that you had to have a boyfriend otherwise you weren’t valued or lovable. The idea of being a single mother scared the hell out of me hence I never left my daughter’s dad, plus the fear of the unknown kept us stuck trying to make it work, I excused the misdemeanours and kept on trying. I really did believe that if I was single then I had failed. I think this comes from growing up and boys not finding me attractive. Or at least thinking that when I was growing up because boys never asked me out ever! I learn now that that’s because I was actually a bit scary, I was confident outwardly and also a bit of a tomboy so boys didn’t feel they could ask me out.

Isn’t it funny… I grew up thinking I couldn’t get a boyfriend so I stuck with with one even though we’d probably both fallen out of love because we were scared of being alone. Now… it didn’t work out with one I really did love, but I’m okay about it. I get asked out on a date most days by someone, what with messages from new work colleagues, men in the street approaching me, getting chatted up in coffee shops, it appears I can pick and choose something I never ever thought would happen to me. Although this time I’ve not actually met one I’d happily date and it’s okay, I’m doing just great on my own…