I think I forgot

Isn’t it funny how stuff changes so quickly. A month ago, no a week ago at this time I was feeling terrible, thinking that there was no point trying anymore. I’d spent half the night with Mr Clingy 3, made my excuses at 3am after falling asleep because I just wanted to be alone. His clingyness was suffocating already and I could feel my independence being sucked away with every breath as I lay there in his bed, wishing I had stayed at home, the disappointment in myself, the offerings of the universe and the online profile that told so little of the story. I woke up that morning in my own bed to a barrage of texts asking when we could wake up together and similar stuff and just felt tired of everything.

I had the date planned for that night and was feeling like there was just no point, almost cancelled, thought he’d probably not turn up anyway. Then I met him and the feelings began, the feelings that I had locked away in a box. The ones I swore would not happen again because they only get hurt so best keep them safe. Perhaps they will, who knows but I don’t care, I remember that it’s okay to feel and it’s better that way, even if it ends in disaster like last time and before and before again, it’s worth it.

So I’ve seen him again already this week, and last night he turns up after a night with his friends, telling me everyone was flagging and he was horny so he wanted to come over. He was adorably drunk, cute and hilarious. Not like one before who would scare me so much when he came home loud, full of accusations of people doing things they shouldn’t when perhaps he had been as well…. so people tell me.

So this guy I’ve met less than a week ago, turns up in a state that I would have feared before but he’s sweet, he’s apologetic, he’s caring and funny. I’m prepared of course because he told me he was coming, my PJs discarded for something more appropriate, we have fun, my bed needs rebuilding, he’s strong and the momentum from the last two nights he has spent here are showing already…

He tells me he appreciates the effort I make whenever we meet as we lie on my bed and I forget about the past even more. Mid flight he asks why the hell I am single and I ask him the same, and we both just laugh. We are different in lots of things yet deep down the same. My love of metal, his love of all things trance and dance and rave, but deep down it’s the base that we both seem to be drawn to. We flick through Spotify and reminisce about bands from the past playing guessing games to see if the other knows who it is. I loose every time but appreciate the new tracks he’s teaching me I might just like, my mind is open to new ideas and he’s willing to provide them.

I tell him he’s dangerous, I might fall for him, he looks sheepish, I’m scared that he’s running already, but he doesn’t, he stays and hugs just that bit tighter. He tells me I’m hot, he does everything I want just knowing somehow. As we lie on my bed talking, just being we talk about happiness being the thing that both of us have wanted out of life. He’s scared he’s not ambitious enough for me, I tell him he’s wrong because he’s just the right balance.

He asks about my work, I tell him, but get scared I’m going into far too much detail, he asks me for more, he’s actually interested, I’m so scared he sees just a geeky bore who talks about things that only exist in the ether, the things that I work with have no tangible substance apart from the pictures I draw to explain. But he wants to know more, he knows more than he thinks, he doesn’t do his intellect justice. I ask about his day and he makes me laugh with his situations of things that have happened at work, his thoughts on people, what they do, their motivations and how he deals with them. We lie and just chill, he runs his fingers up and down my spine as he drunkenly bumbles stuff and things and slaps my arse and tells me he likes it. There is no coldness in this man, no switching off, he’s an open book, I trust him already. We talk about balance, beliefs, everything and anything. There is more in that mind of his I’m discovering layer by layer as he relaxes and reveals more and more.

He lets slip that he left his friends to come see me and I’m secretly pleased, I feel like I’ve been chosen.

We seem to be in similar situations, having come out of relationships living together with the other that didn’t work out and now we both seem to be on the same page when it comes to needing space and time alone because we are both very much our own people in ourselves, there’s no need for the other to make either feel complete, two whole people living two full lives a little closer together but still both our own.

We sleep, we wake up, we sleep some more, we drink coffee and chill, we talk some more. He goes home because we both have things to do today. His welcome intrusion of my space and time making the weekend feel so much better already. I’m scared a little, I’m not ready to hope or dream just yet. But that’s okay, slow is what I need.

The universe always has something in store when something we’re used to but isn’t quite right goes away. Each time it’s something or someone better than you knew existed before. The guy who on paper perhaps isn’t my type is perhaps everything I’ve been missing. Perhaps it’s the same for him. The slightly younger than me but older than the others guy, has done his time finding his place in the world, there’s no angst remaining only good feelings he’s been there and done it and is ready to be the man I might need. But it’s less than a week and too early to tell, I guess we’ll see how the story unfolds…

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Why have I got to have a billion emotions everyday?

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Me getting my heart broken over and over again

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How I feel all the time, either I never see him or I miss him because it’s over

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I just don’t get this dating game at all!?! Exclusive but not his girlfriend, together but not public

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When you just can’t get the stupid man out of your head but you’re so happy when you get to see him

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Why do I always break these rules?!?

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Hold your head up girl, never beg a man to be with you, if he’s leaving, he really isn’t all that

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Just remember this and give yourself a hug, you are awesome and he didn’t deserve you

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The last goodbye

Sometimes you can’t hold on to someone no matter how hard you try. Sometimes your efforts to be the person you feel they deserve makes you bend and push and distort yourself to the point you’re just not sure who you are anymore.

Sometimes dreams die and you should grieve them like a real death. It’s okay to grieve, it’s okay to cry, it’s okay to be human. People make promises and break them, they meant them when they made them they just couldn’t live with the gravity of what they promised.

He said he didn’t want any ties. He’d been to visit friends who had just got engaged after traveling the world, our life long dream that we couldn’t have, well not right now perhaps one day but it was too much for him to feel the disappointed of another shattered dream of so many dreams he’d had that were shattered and so he set me free.

I never wanted to become a wife, not before I had met him. I never understood what marriage could have meant before I met him. I waited so long for him to become himself again. I waited for the promises of soon and one day but they didn’t come, he gave up instead.

Dont let your heart rule your head they always say, but then follow your heart they say too. Here we sit at opposite ends, me following my heart, his head ruling and his head winning.

The loss is like a hole, it’s cavernous inside my soul where the soul mate that once lived has taken himself away.

Whilst I want to love again I’m not sure I can. Everything ends in goodbye one day whether you are the one leaving or the one being left behind living with the loss.

There is no other way than to grieve the death of the dreams and bury them deep in the ground cremated letting them go back into the universe like a wish that the dreams will one day be fulfilled.

Sometimes these dreams were just a glimps of the future dreams you can’t have yet. I won’t give up, I’ll find new dreams one day and pursue them with an open heart, when these dreams that I had are truly dead and buried to be reborn as something new.

Open Letter to The One

The one…

It’s amazing how a quick swipe right can change your life to the point that you can’t remember the life before. I didn’t think you’d turn up, our first date was impulsive, last minute with a sense of urgency, something told me I had to meet you and couldn’t wait around for getting to know you online. I don’t know why. I’d used that app two weeks before, lost and lonely and I know we matched then too, but I was too scared of my future that that point and deleted my profile without a second thought. It didn’t dawn on me that we’d matched before when we matched for real that first time.

You were late, I was early, it was late, I had never done this before, you were my first real date. As we talked and discovered we were two people identical in so many ways I worried about the complications that my former life brought and if you would stay or run.

The feelings, they happened so quick, I didn’t have time to understand and then life got complicated and you got distant and so we split. I was too insecure, I needed help and so I got help. Each day thinking you were gone from my life I missed you, your place in my heart was there forever and I couldn’t erase you, I tried but I couldn’t. As my friends said you were silly and I laughed and said you were not for me “onwards and upwards”, made excuses for why it was never going to happen, inside I disagreed, my friends knew this too, I can never hide my emotions.

So I dated, carried on, met people who just weren’t you, hurt each time because it felt like I was cheating somehow I guess the heart never lies no matter how hard you try to lie to yourself, logic for the logical girl like me couldn’t undo the feelings, feelings just aren’t logic. When you invited me over that first time, a month after we split, on my way home from work, I had changed, was more relaxed, I told you I was good. I went to show myself that I only missed you because I wanted what I couldn’t have and when I saw you it would be different. I had a boyfriend, this would be closure. But it wasn’t, we spoke, we kissed we… but I was to leave and not see you for a while, although my messages probably pleading that we try probably pushed you away further.

We both said we had no one special that day, you laughed I’d tried dating again, you didn’t seem jealous, were you? I was. But then I think, the “no-one special” in my life that day, was he the same as the “no-one special” in your life too? Just a gap filler to mask the pain of never having you in my life again and the dreams so vivid that were lost replaced with dreams of grey, except for the ones with you that came in my slumber when I needed you most. when I told you I missed the dreams we had that others would think were silly but meant so much to me of rescuing sloths, owning a zoo and travelling the world and you told me I was free to make new, better dreams with someone who could look after me, I screamed inside because you just couldn’t see that I didn’t want any dreams if they weren’t with you. Even in the dreams of my own accomplishments you would be there in my life in spirit.

Each time I saw you in the time in between it felt like it was right, it didn’t feel like cheating, I couldn’t settle for anyone else, I didn’t want anyone else, everyone else felt like cheating on you. And then you came back, me in a relationship that was not going to happen, with the cheap replacement that had at first seemed like an older version of you, a person I should be with, everyone told me so for the sake of my family life, the “Step-in-dad” that would fill the gaps for my child. They were wrong, that’s not what we needed. And I ended it to be with you because you were what I wanted. With my child’s encouragement because she knows that I am happy when you are in my life.

As we lay in my bed and I held you through your pain and you opened up to me about life in ways you had kept secret from me before, I felt so honoured that you had been able to share with me the things that were going through your head. I only hoped my reassurance helped, that you would see the man I see when I look at you because that man is wonderful in every single way.

In my distressing months with my career feeling so much in limbo you helped me hold it together, mostly from afar but that’s what I needed. You were my rock even though you have absolutely no idea because you still don’t believe in the man that I see. As we cried on the plane, holding hands because you had set me free on our last day in Rome I couldn’t hate you because I knew that your reasons were unselfish and you cared, but didn’t believe in the man that I see. I loved you more, your actions showed me that you were so far from the narcissistic man you joked that you were, your self deprecating image of yourself that was so far from the truth if you could only just see. That kiss in the car outside your place, that I thought would be our very last, I told myself would be our very last kiss, I didn’t want to believe would be our very last kiss. I felt the pain in you as you told yourself you were doing the right thing. You had said if your life was not such a mess you would be with me forever and it was your fault not mine, I hated that you felt that way about yourself, if you could only see what I saw instead.

The two weeks without you, thinking you were really gone, I read tarot after tarot that told me you were not, but had been disappointed before and so in despair I resigned myself to no more love. I just couldn’t do it, I wanted it but only with you, the physical distractions that I had taken solace in the last time didn’t interest me and the idea of anyone else distressed me further, so I hoped and asked the universe to help me find my way and it led me back to you.

So here we are again, I have thrown away ideas of make or break, I realise now it’s not logical and logic won’t solve the mysteries of intuition. The lifescape ahead will get rough sometimes but if there is any certainty in my life that certainty is you. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together in the way that others are, but I’m okay with that because what I have with you is what I need. I never dared to believe in soul mates before because the disappointment in spending my life without ever meeting mine in the life I had before you was too painful to acknowledge. Now that we have, it feels like there was never a time when we weren’t together somehow, it’s just that we hadn’t found each other till the fateful day that we both swiped right.

When I take away the worry of losing you again I feel free because I know that no matter what happens, the universe will always lead me straight back to you.

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