The problem with clever girls…

Dating when you’re clever and not afraid to be clever is a struggle. Here’s what I’ve learnt so far…

You need someone you can actually have a level conversation with – a bitch and a moan is great every now and again but for me I want to be able to talk about fun stuff with someone and learn something in the process. I see a relationship as a partnership where you constantly learn from one another. When that stops, I struggle. I need to be able to make a clever joke and someone actually get it or someone to keep my brain alive with clever jokes so I don’t die of boredom. There’s a balance. If someone gives me the need to google something to keep up! Even better! I’m not afraid of not knowing something.

Lots of clever men are very insecure – I tend to find the more intelligent the guy is, the more he’s threatened by your intellect. He’ll do that in different ways. Either he’ll spend his time making out you’re stupid, some guys are very good at this, if I get promoted it was apparently down to him, if I pass an exam he would have scored higher, if I took up a new hobby it was lame and a waste of time. It’s totally demoralising and makes you give up a lot of the things you love doing, that in turn makes him feel better because he wants me to be average. It was only when I stand up for what I believed in that the bigger issues in these types of relationship began. Others will do it by patronising you. Dr Yesterday at one point said “Gosh, you’re so clever doing all that computery stuff, much cleverer than I and I’m a Doctor.” Like being a doctor gives you the key to being ultimately more intelligent than anyone else on the planet, it doesn’t, there are plenty of physicists, philosophers, writers, and average people with the ability to think that can beat anyone with the title Doctor any day!!! The clincher “what a Darhling little data modeller you are!”…. errr oh well thanks and fuck off!

Normal guys don’t think they’re good enough – just don’t mention your I.Q.!!!! They run! Run a mile! You probably didn’t mention your I.Q. at all but you compared your GCSE maths grades, or you worked out the tip for the bill in your head on the spot or something like that and he thought “good god! I can’t keep up.” So he ran a mile….yep! Yes I get frustrated if someone doesn’t know the basics of maths, but I don’t want to talk maths all day!!! Why can’t they just be happy that I can add up good and he’s probably better at something else like cooking, seriously I’d kill for a guy that would do my ironing!!! 😉 on a serious note though someone to help me lift stuff when I’m fixing my house would really help… haven’t got time for insecure guys who get all shitty because their maths is bad!

You earn more – for some reason no matter what has happened in the world to push equality you earning more than your guy seems to cause a problem and I have no idea why!?! Well I do, it’s the age old protector in them rearing its ugly head. I don’t see why we can’t just celebrate that sometimes she earns more, if you both like what you do and work hard then where’s the issue? I’ve been in positions before where the guy had no desire to work and you seemed to always pay, that’s different. I’m talking about the guy that has an honest job, just the way society ranks the job means there’s less pay coming in. It’s not their fault and why should it be an issue? I don’t understand why these guys would rather have a girl on less pay, or very often get taken advantage of by some gold digger (this happens a lot because this guy just wants to look after someone) than swallow his pride and share being happy with someone who can accept him for who he is. If anything it’s less pressure on him, yet somehow they never quite see it that way!

He wants the life you can offer and not you – hmmmm been there way too often. Skater boy changed every bit of me, took credit for every good thing I did and gave not very much in return. Yes he worked hard too, but not without rubbing my face in it that he was doing it all for me! That in my eyes isn’t giving, that’s martyrdom for attention. When I was the sole wage earner, pregnant working 50+ hours a week, I was so useless with money that I had to get paid into his bank account so he could control the money… funny how he always had new clothes, that student loan he got for not turning up to uni never seemed to go far, but when I needed Maternity clothes they were far too expensive. I recognised this in the ‘Stand in’ too, when he started to ask how much equity I had in my house, what my Job’s market value was, then started sending Zoopla pages with the tag, we could pool our resources and buy this after 2 months… that was a big flat no! I will share with anyone I am dating, but when they expect me to buy them a better life, nope nope nope! When you start to feel like a meal ticket to some guys middle class aspirations it’s time to run!

I don’t need rescuing – I sometimes joke with ‘the one’ that I need him to come and rescue me and we’ll make up a tone of scenarios where he’s going to scale the building mission impossible style with a husky drawn chariot because huskies are cool. But this guy knows that I don’t need recusing at all, he’s just helping me exercise my imagination. He knows full well I can stand on my own two feet and there’s rarely a time when I haven’t “got this shit handled” he stands back and applauds when I handled it. Most guys… any possible opportunity for them to come swooping in where they’re not wanted and there they are!!! Getting in the way meaning I’ve got to waste energy now handling their shit instead. It was interesting recently, my daughter ended up in hospital because of her diabetes and it was a worrying time. Whilst I stood next to my daughter’s bed giving her my full attention could Skater Boy do the same? No, Skater Boy spent more time building his own pity party and milking the attention whilst his Sloth drove him back and forth and felt all sorry for him. I was glad not to be with him any more, I realised how much energy I had wasted in the past focussing on him when I should have purely focussed on my child. On the other hand had I still been with ‘The Stand in’ well sure he would have come to recuse me as would have Dr Yesterday but we would have certainly heard all about it and how I couldn’t have copedwithout them…. WRONG! Instead ‘The one’ stayed well away, reminded me to eat, sent us video clips to laugh at whilst she was recovering and checked in when I wasn’t busy just to say hi. He knew there was nothing he could add to the situation by being there, so he saved up hugs for when I’d actually have time to get them.

Hilariously Mr Married often asks why I don’t have a ring on my finger… answer, because I’m too fucking scary! The guys that would ask don’t deserve me and the ones that might just get a yes respect me to much to assume so don’t ask!

And there it is… perhaps I might just die alone surrounded by rescue dogs… lol!

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Dr Yesterday

Dr Yesterday was my boyfriend for a brief period just before My ex. He was the one who’d left me heart broken and insecure at the age of 21 giving probably any guy who tried his way in. Sometimes when me and my ex argued I’d wonder what could have been. It was one of those whirl wind things, I’d been swept off my feet by this student doctor who seemed to have it all together and then just like that it ended. No explaining, no reasons, nothing.

My ex knew him, we all worked behind the bar in a pub to pay our rent. He hated him, had a million reasons to hate the tall, student doctor who had a clear route into the army straight after uni, he was already an army officer.

Years went past, My ex and I split and a Facebook invite appeared from Dr Yesterday. So I accepted. Nothing much else happened, the odd message. He was up in mid Wales living on his small holding, retired from the army, working one day a week as a locum GP. On paper he was perfect but something didn’t feel quite right.

We met up in March after I’d split from the one. We started talking and he was telling me all about how great his life was. It went from a nice chat to, “Oh God I’ve missed you”, then “You can still have more children can’t you?”.

The date ended with a goodnight kiss and I decided the myth of Dr Yesterday was over. I had closure on him, he wasn’t the man I’d loved back then. Then the messages… “I miss you, I want to be back with you…” the guilt again. I replied coldly and they just got worse. The crux of them being, “You don’t need your career now, you and your daughter can move to Mid Wales and live with me, I’ll buy you both a horse and you don’t have to work any more.” Another guy who just didn’t get me. I like my career, it’s tricky sometimes but it’s mine. I like my house, it’s not perfect but it’s mine. When I get my own horse I will have earned it.

He wanted to meet me half way, told me he’d wine and dine me, the usual. It just wasn’t what I wanted. This guy on paper was perfect but I knew if I was with him I’d have to become someone I’m not. I could hardly share the things I love doing with this guy, he was not a metal head like me and he may have a motorbike but his was boring and middle aged. He was after a wife, an oven for his kids and it didn’t matter who. I would not have been happy with this guy, I would have just become another of his many possessions and I wasn’t interested.

So I said goodbye to the ghost of Dr Yesterday, at least I had closure. The wondering what might have been ended. It turns out even though I’d not been the happiest with Skater Boy all the time I may have been just as unhappy with Dr Yesterday if not more so and I wouldn’t be the girl I am today. So here’s to being independent and free! I’d rather be myself and struggling than having to act to earn my dinner…