Alone at Christmas

So this year I’m preparing myself for being alone again on Christmas Day. It’s not the first year and last time I kinda coped okay, although, my daughter was back with me by the evening. This year she’ll be back with me on Boxing Day, so it’ll perhaps feel a little bit strange. Her dad wants to have her with him and that’s understandable, he’s just got married and wants his family unit together, but I think they often forget that whilst he found someone before he jumped, I was left alone and still am, mainly by choice now, circumstances have not yet put before me anyone I want to share my life with… Long Lost is someone we’ll have to consider but it’s too early to be jumping on in there.

So with a day of nothing to do, everywhere will be shut, family will be phoning to say Merry Christmas and it will feel hollow. It’s not that I’m even a major Christmas fan, it’s more the pressure from everyone so it seems to be jolly, drink too much and then of course the ramming down the throat of Christmas on every TV channel because it’s Christmas Day and therefore you should celebrate it. I’m a bit of a take it or leave it person on that one. I have never really understood the craziness over that one day… like it’s the most important day in the world, it’s really just a day.

Friends often react with horror when you say you don’t really bother, that you’ll be alone that day and then comes the awkward need to decline invites, I’m happy just being in my own space. So Christmas Day, not even my festival anyway… one I’m kind of forced to do, although I’m not complaining about a day off. It will be a day of me time. I’ll attempt to get up early and take my dogs somewhere so we can celebrate as a pack. I’m happy not to have to think about cooking a meal that I’m not that fussed over, I’ll probably just eat some cheese and do some painting.

The first year I spent Christmas alone I wasn’t as strong as I am now and I did okay. He was happy settling into his new happily ever after and I was the discarded past. That year I was still angry, still insecure, wondering why the guy I was seeing didn’t want to make the effort, it wasn’t really that, he had family to see himself. This time round the anger is gone, I’m now comfortable in my own company, I actually really enjoy it, I can get so much done.

So I’ll celebrate Yule on the 21st with fire and blessings, then just enjoy the peace of the day to myself, a day without that pressure to conform to the things that we all have to do according to some rule somewhere that’s not even in the bible for the people who suddenly adopt Christianity for a day of overindulgence and materialistic gains.

I never really get the nonsense of the pressure people put themselves under to buy presents just for Christmas, the one up man ship almost competitive gift buying when I’d just rather have nothing. I hate the fact that loved ones and friends stress themselves out over what to buy, stress me out with what should I get you, when the reality is I don’t need anything and so don’t really see the point.

I’ll probably just reflect on the year on my day alone, it’s been a year of extreme change in many ways and it comes from my core, manifesting itself in everything around me. My sense of self worth has grown and in doing so everything around me is affected in a positive way. I do things now that I always thought I couldn’t and most of the time alone, some of the time I’m joined by my daughter. This year I’m not dreading anything, I’m confident in the things that are to come in my life, I’m grateful for the opportunities I get presented with daily to better myself and am the happiest I have ever been. Sometimes it takes the thing you perceive to be the worst thing ever to happen to prove that life is often beyond your control to teach you to let go, and when you do and learn to just be happy in the moment, you feel grounded and relaxed. I guess that’s mostly where I am right now…


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