So the weekend is over, I’ve spent some of it with the guy from 23 years ago. It’s been amazing to feel a connection so strong with someone who I never imagined I would. But it’s not that easy… he’s gone back to his place, well limbo as it is at the moment whilst he untangles his way out of his financial obligations to his previous relationship. I know that this part is going to take some time so I’m not worried, perhaps impatient, but not too impatient. I’m spending this alone time to think about the potential of the future I’ve been offered. No need for jumping in right now, Perhaps this way is better, I can be free to have my own thoughts, my own space and see him when there’s time. I can focus on something else and just let things happen behind the scenes, if it’s right for me it’ll happen.
The feelings are so mixed, the impatience of wanting to tell the world about the connection and how great it was, the slight niggling doubts about a long distance relationship laced with its other complications, the do I even need this? Or do I even want this? I’m 99% yes, 1% cautious, the state of limbo right now is good though, the Schrödinger’s cat of my future love life with that feeling that it’s nowhere near time to open the box just yet, although the box feels warm, the cat might just be alive.
Career time is here now, I’ve had that glimpse I needed to bring back some hope after date after date of boredom and meh… now I can concentrate safe in the knowledge that there’s someone in the world who I can feel safe with, someone who I can talk to, someone I can share happiness with but also safe that he’s not going to move himself into my life at 100+ miles and hour and make me run away screaming. Perhaps that’s what I really needed all along. You see when you get used to being alone and very comfortable with your own space, it’s very difficult to share it again. Not because that person is bad, more because during the first stages of a relationship you get this idea that you have to see each other all the time, you have to be there in every spare moment, and I know already that I can’t cope with that.
It’s just nice to know that sometimes there’s someone who I’ll be able to wake up with, not every day, that’s where it becomes boring and routine, this way it doesn’t, there’s actually excitement about the next time. Knowing that someone will sometimes be there for a hug means this independent girl who struggles to share can potentially have the best of both worlds. The connection is there, there’s texts every day, but also the space to be free.
So I thought I’d feel humongously sad when he set off earlier and we said our goodbyes, but I didn’t. I just felt happy to have spent the time with someone and it not feel like a total waste. We already talked about the next time and that we can just take this as it comes, and I’m happy with that, there’s no pressure to suddenly be a girlfriend when I’m not 100% sure that’s what I actually want to be. So we’ll go back to texting half deep conversations, a quarter benign stuff and then some sickening teenage looking sweet yucky stuff. We’ll learn more about the people we’ve become 23 years on, and then we’ll see where this all goes.
In the mean time I’ll be supportive of his slightly complicated life right now, and he’ll just be there when he can. The good news I guess is he’s not married and I’m turning his head, he’s been done with it all for quite a long time, but house ownership isn’t easy, and when you split, well that’s a mine field. He’s not jumping in just looking for the next one which was my biggest worry, he genuinely wanted to come and say hi, then the connection as we talked just grew and this all sort of just happened.
So time as usual with tell… Rebecca you just need to be patient… that box isn’t ready to open, keep the lid on until it’s time to let the cat out of the bag and see if it’s still breathing…