Nothing

There are days that you don’t cross my mind at all, then there are the days when I can’t get you out of my mind and the harder I try the more you are there. It just goes to prove that I still haven’t fully moved on perhaps. The days in between the days that you plague me get longer and more frequent, but it takes only a day with you there in my thoughts to bring me back to the place I was before.

The stupid reminders that take me by surprise are the ones that make it hardest. That song on the album that we listened to in my car and both sang along, that meme that you sent me when it pops up on my feed, or that video of the sloth or the otters on the Lad Bible page. And I start to feel afraid of coming across the things that we loved together. Were you even real? Was any of it real? I don’t have the energy to consider if it was or wasn’t, and perhaps it just doesn’t even matter anymore.

Now is the time when you got back in touch last year and we started again. Now is the time when you lay next to me and told me the thoughts in your head. Still tears don’t come, I haven’t cried since that day in July when we split. There are days when I felt like crying but couldn’t, the closest I’ve come is that empty feeling and the welling but still nothing comes. Am I dead inside? Probably. The life and soul of the party in public behind closed doors is a big ball of melancholy, only sometimes but today it is here.

I’m not really sure how you came here today, a conversation with a friend perhaps about being odd, and I remembered as my mind carelessly wandered without it’s tight leash, that we were weird and proud together and going to take over the world, and so it began. I don’t miss you mostly, but then I do. Those sneaky moments when I’m unaware and you take over my thoughts like a thief slowly trickling till more is consumed and I can’t get you out.

This didn’t exist with the man I had been with for so many years, when he was gone I was happy and done. When he was gone I was free, my mind fresh and the newness of life to come had promises, surprises and better to come. But in your desperation to run away, and I understand why, you left Just a small part taking some of mine, the connection is there and it’s hard to ignore. When each time we spoke after some kind of break you expected me to have forgotten, expected me to move on, and I wanted to, but somehow didn’t. This is not quite that same as the loss of your first love, it doesn’t consume like that of the delicate teenage mind searing with the pain of loneliness, more the dull ache of the bones affected by the weather, the pain that has no centre, it’s just simply there.

But I know that even if you were capable of being, you couldn’t have been the right one. It was circumstance that you happened to be the first love after the bad times, and so my hope pinned, my feelings hooked, was it even love at all or just the wanting of something I could never have? As the lyrics say, grey would be the colour if I had a heart, and it is grey and muted, perhaps it’s gone. Because that’s the part you exited my life with, was it all? Or just some? Perhaps just a part, leaving the rest so grey and dead. And so absent of feelings, absent of tears, emptiness is temptingly peaceful because there you do not reside, in the empty there is nothing and nothing seems good from the noise of the thoughts. I’ll take nothing over anything, nothing over you, nothing.

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