Today I’m back to disappointment, we’ll sort of. Perhaps it’s not disappointment, it’s not gone that far. The guy I met last Saturday came over last night but to be honest it just didn’t feel very good, or right and I was bored within minutes of him getting here. We’re just not compatible I think he could feel my boredom.
I was back to how I felt a few weeks back when I was trying to forget the one, this time though realising that I wasn’t really trying to replace someone, just more trying to find the right person to spend my time with, and this guy just isn’t him. When you have a high sex drive and your guy doesn’t, well it’s a problem. Or when you want things someone is too nervous to give it’s also a problem. Cruel perhaps but I’m done wasting my time, I’m looking for someone better and I’m not here to provide therapy for almost divorcees who clearly have one foot stuck in the past, he still lives there for god’s sake. I’m used to guys who get excited by decent underwear and at least make an effort when they turn up, but this guy did none. Just back from work, forgiven a little, but still clearly in work mode but not willing to get that shit off his chest he bored the hell out of me instead by saying nothing.
His reaction to my effort, opposite to his words was a cold limp nothing. Frustrating. Especially when there are other guys that could have been there instead.
I think I’ve got to the realisation that I just don’t want a relationship, okay I got there a while back, but someone to do what I need is important, the rest I just don’t care. I’ve got absolutely no interest in the whole dating and talking, I just don’t care. Why is it so wrong that a woman can want this, men do this all the time but when a woman does this back she’s some kind of slut.
No strings fun is so much easier than getting invested in someone who wants you to commit but will never do that back. I almost contacted Mr Married because, with him I always knew where I stood and I was happier being the dirty little secret (or not so secret) than trying to make it work with someone who wanted more than I could give or wouldn’t give anything back in spite of getting it all. However I’ve deleted his number, probably a good thing really.
Perhaps some people are just not meant to be in relationships, perhaps that’s me. I’m happier having sex and then going about my life separately. When I think about the expectations a relationship brings to be honest it scares the shit out of me, I’d so rather live in my own place doing my own thing, I just don’t want to share everything, and for me romance is dead, it just doesn’t impress me. I’m too cynical, I’ve been hurt too many times to ever believe in that stuff again. Is being played being gullible? Probably. So how do you spot when they’re not? You can’t.
Perhaps this is why I don’t believe in marriage, I’ve never really seen a truly happy one. So is this a low? I don’t think so, I’m actually pretty happy today, my daughter turned 15 today, she’s hanging out with friends. I’m alone with my dogs, doing not very much, feeling no pressure and thinking about the new job I just accepted.
Yesterday was the past, it’s forgotten, the guy last night is the past too, I won’t see him again. All the others are also the past. I’m strong enough now to not need to cling to memories or feelings that should be done and dusted. I had to block yet another stalky guy, because he didn’t get the message and wouldn’t leave me alone, he has no right to know what I’m doing, especially as he’s never met me before. Mr clingy 2 has been told outright to leave me alone, that I have no time for him and don’t want to date him. Telling someone no is perfectly okay.
We’re back to the usual, same old crap of the ones you actually like are just not ready, and the ones you don’t never getting the message until they push you as far as having to say something hurtful because they just don’t listen.
So I’m looking for a guy that matches me, a guy who doesn’t get offended over stupid shit, or expect me to spend half my time eating food that makes me fat because eating is just not that important to me. I’m bored of gastro pubs, bored of shit music, bored of sex that has no passion. If I wanted that I would have got married. I see nothing wrong with doing whatever the hell I like with whoever I like and enjoying whatever it is for the moment. Perhaps it’s time to meet naughty snapchat guy 2, he works away in the week so he might just be what I need, time alone most of the week but fun when I want him… provided he can actually back up his words…