You can’t complete what’s already whole

The duality of the extroverted introvert. That’s the issue that burns bright today. With no wish to perform today I’m emotionally exhausted and feel the weight of the daily tasks that even smiling is painful. Is it a change in the weather? Perhaps the emotional turmoil that has got me to this point, I’m not really sure. But the last few months have got me to a point where I need a time out.

I was really angry this morning to find I was being followed on social media by one of the guys that I’d respectfully but firmly told I did not want a second date. So of course I blocked him. This guy had seemed charming initially but upon meeting him had become more and more needy and was demonstrating to me that I had found someone I definitely didn’t want. I had told him straight off that he wasn’t what I wanted and initially he’d seemed okay about it. But no, the sneaky guy had instead set him up as a follower on my Facebook account. A clear sign that he’s dishonest and someone to be wary of.

It’s easy these days to find someone and know everything about them without even meeting them. And quite frankly a little bit scary. I’m doing pretty well now at being able to tell a guy I’m not interested, and it’s really saving me time and my conscience.

I appear to have gained another Snapchat extrovert who keeps me entertained which is pretty funny, I seem to have two competing for my read receipt. The world is becoming a funny old place!

My Saturday guy has asked for another date, he seemed really nervous, it was pretty sweet. It’s nice to have someone who doesn’t just assume regardless of a night of passion. I’m not so easy as all that, it’s gonna take more than a couple of dates to keep my attention… something the previous guys never seemed to quite get and something I don’t think I realised before I had the luxury of.

I’m enjoying taking back my space today, even if it’s my own space up there in my head. The app removed from my phone for when I’ve got time, otherwise needy messages from Mr “Pick me!” Or Mr “I want to send you my Snaps” get a little bit distracting. I’m happier just as I am, not committed just yet.

I’m about to drop one of the super clingy ones, I’ve left him stew a couple of days after his bombardment of texts and demands that I must not date anyone else. Again, I do what I want, I think I’m making it clear but it will be super clear tomorrow.

The field of work I’m in allows me the luxury of being fairly wise to how social media data is collected and stored so I can catch a person who looks at my profile pretty easily. Interestingly, mr Ghosty McGhostface as we now call him, checks it out several times a day, so I post something public just to show I’m doing just fine. Sometimes it all disappears for him when I make it private, it’s a little bit fun to mess with the head of the guy who watches from afar but doesn’t have the guts to actually do anything about it… lol! Passive aggressive? Yes, but also a little bit fun.

So introvert me kept her headphones in today and did quiet work. Introvert me just wasn’t in the mood to discuss office politics or gossip or anything really apart from to reminding a work colleague about his crashing and burning when he was supposed to be my wing man!

The trouble with a male wing man, as I’ve discovered, is that everyone gets scared off and they assume you’re in a relationship, because it’s just not conventional still for a woman to have the majority male friends. But I am that girl, I always have been and always will be. It’ll take a guy with a good bit of self esteem to accept that I think. It’s scared off a few. I’m like the girl with a large family of big brothers. That’s pretty intimidating for any new guy. I’m the girl with her own bike, no need to ride pillion. Her pets are scarier than yours and she’s not afraid of spiders either.

I’m not particularly masculine in how I look, I don’t think I’m particularly anything, but I’m strong of mind and know who I am. Taking the time to be alone has helped me realise this. When the dickhead in tinfoil keeps turning up they don’t find a damsel in distress because introvert isn’t an issue, and when it’s extrovert time she’s got plenty of friends. It’s difficult to complete someone who’s already complete, actually it impossible you can only enhance, and that fragile male ego can’t cope with that realisation. And that is why I no longer chase, because there’s just no need. The universe brings what’s meant for me, when I focus on what’s most important and forget about the petty things, great stuff happens. The Autumn equinox has bought about something new. Someone whole, I’ve learnt my lessons. They were difficult a while back but they gave me the strength to carry on, to get stronger, to smile anyway, to rise above it all and realise that I just wasn’t as broken as I thought. Because once you take away the broken label, you’re no longer broken, it was merely a perception of my own self esteem. Once I decided I wasn’t, the broken parts no longer existed.

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