Alone isn’t lonely

So Tinder is back on and I’ll be honest I’m at the point of hitting delete already! What has this week taught me? That you really are better off just being yourself and really not worrying about finding someone right now. Okay so my date yesterday went well. He’s nice, I might just see him again. His life, considerably more complicated than mine right now… he’s separated but they still live in the same place with their small children having decided to actually call it a day on their relationship 2 years ago. His head is in the right place, so that’s good. Was he everything I want? I’m not really sure. I’m just gonna see where it all goes. But I’ve got time and I’m in no rush, there’s no urgency for either of us, so that’s okay.

The trouble with Tinder or any other site for that matter is you have to meet a few scary people before you get to a good one. So this week we have a new stalker. Initially this guy seemed nice, honest, all the right words, he seemed sorted. His girlfriend has split up with him when his small daughter came back into his life. I felt bad for him, I decided to get to know him a little. That’s where I made the mistake of deciding to swap numbers. Again messages were normal, sweet, he seemed grounded.

We talked on the phone and I’ll be honest we wasn’t what I expected, he was starting to sound clingy. Warning signs were all there. I decided I probably wouldn’t meet him after all. He let slip about smoking weed, instantly I’m just not interested any more. I don’t want to be babysitting some guy who cannot cope with life to the point he needs to knock himself out every night with drugs, which was how it was starting to sound. So I left it at that. The weekend he’s plagued me with messages, “where are you?”, “why are you not replying?” And oh god here we go… true colours appear to have just shone through. Now I get it, I have been there, when you are so insecure you believe the world is getting one over on you. But I’m not in the market for having to prove that I’m trustworthy when I do decide to be in a relationship. This guy clearly cannot curb his suspicions around people and is way too full on! We haven’t even met yet and in his head we are somehow in a relationship. I’ve made myself very clear. I’m busy, I will not be controlled and I’m not falling for guilt trips.

The me of a few years back would have yielded, would have dropped down to his level and allowed myself to be controlled, would have been insulted and have tried to prove my trustworthiness. But I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve realised that I’m stronger on my own. I’ve realised I don’t have to prove anything. I’ve realised that if someone doesn’t like it then they really can just do one, because I’m not responsible for this guy’s past hurt and I refuse to take it on.

I don’t need needy snapchat guys… I now appear to have a few, I don’t care how suspicious it might look if I log into WhatsApp to read a message and don’t read theirs. I just don’t care what these people think. Because the right guy just won’t be that desperate, the right guy will have his own shit to do just like I have mine.

This week is a me week. Nobody is getting any of my precious time, apart from my daughter of course. The good news is the book is starting to happen properly. Taking the time to write is therapeutic. Watching TV on my own means nobody interrupts me. Our society teaches us that in order to be successful in life we must not be alone. Society has this all so very wrong. When we remove that pressure of keeping up appearances to conform to an unwritten rule of convention, we’re suddenly free and life is good. When people ask me “how in the hell are you single?” I don’t take it as an insult that I am, I see it that I’ve got to the realisation that together isn’t necessarily always better, together might just be the thing that kills you.

When you get over the idea that alone means lonely, you start to realise that you only want people who enhance your life in it. Walking away is the easiest thing in the world because you’re free. I’m not here to rescue anybody. When I needed help I rescued myself. People generally are only scared to be alone because they don’t know the person that lives inside. They only know the superficial person who lives in the space that they fill when interacting with others. But life is richer once you get to know who you really are, and once you do you can never go back to the way it was before…

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