Playing with matches

So I’m back trying Tinder again. I have a date tonight. I have mixed feelings. It’s funny when you go on the site where you met all your ex’s and see that, well you deleted your account when you were seeing them but low and behold they’re still there, same profile same stuff. That about proves the point for me I guess. These guys look for a relationship but when they find the potential for one they run away screaming and go back into the dating pool for some other poor girl to meet.

Or perhaps just their true intentions never matched their words. They like to have a girl who will be devoted but don’t want to give the same back. So within the first few swipes four of my previous guy’s came up. Each had demonstrated commitment issues in their behaviour. It’s funny how you view the profile you initially read the first time and think “Yeah but I know the real story”. I’m a lot more cut throat I guess these days, the mere suggestion that they want to just mess around and I unmatch. I’d rather not put myself through that again.

So the guy I’m meeting tonight is my age. He has children, he’s divorced. I really hope he’s over it and not going to still be in that stage of hurt that so many divorcees are. I’m not here to be a parent to someone’s grown up son, I’m here to be an equal in a relationship with someone who can actually do that.

Having heard nothing since from the one who made me forget, I’m feeling quite happy go lucky. I’m not in a rush to do the settling down thing, I just don’t want all my time eaten up by a guy who needs to be in my presence constantly, neither do I want to be ignored. I’m looking for balance and the right guy will want that too. Material things don’t really bother me but basic ability to live life as an adult does.

So this guy is an animator, he seems pretty creative and like he may have a similar sense of humour to me. Some of me is relived that he already has children, the pressure to do that again won’t be there hopefully. I’m very happy just not having any more, I guess I’ve been there and done that. We’ll see as time goes how I feel about that though, it’s a pretty fluid feeling.

You have to start to wonder, perhaps the dating app is the downfall in itself. It proves that there are lots of choices out there. We’re all scared to make the wrong choice again and in being that way we distance ourselves from the potential that the new person can bring to your life. It’s the new version of the person who already has someone going out and playing the field but the whole field is visible and therefore more tempting.

I had a dream last night that on my way home from this up and coming date as the guy kissed me, my ex and his fiancé walked past laughing. The feeling was embarrassment, at them seeing me trying to make something work when they seemingly have it already so sorted. I have to admit, I do often feel a little judged by people who haven’t been through this situation. They assume online dating is just a great big sex party. And when you’re not in the frame of mind to be in a relationship it can be. But actually once you weed through the mommies boys, the commitment-a-phobes and the guys who are there just to boost their ego, you can find someone who’s in the same place as you mentally. It just takes a little longer sometimes.

There is nothing wrong with you if you know what you want. It’s better to be that way than waste the time of everyone you meet. Everyone who tells you “I’m not that kind of person” is not telling you the truth when it comes to one night stands, because with the wrong person we all are. It’s just the way it is, the crux being that we are all driven by a need for sex, if it goes a certain amount of time we look for it. That is just human biology, and anyone telling you otherwise is hiding their true self. I guess the best thing to do is admit it, get it out of your system so that when the person who could be right for you is there, you are ready to actually consider the whole relationship thing and do it properly.

That way no one gets hurt. So we’ll see what this guy is like, I’ve got some hopes, and some reservations because I’ve been disappointed before when I’ve decided that I’m going to meet the “right one” this time.

I’m a woman who’s majority friendship groups are men, this puts an insecure guy off. I play the boys at their own games and they don’t like it. So today feels like an open book. If the previous guy ever comes back I’m not sure what I’ll do, there was a connection for both of us but he was too cowardly to deal with it when I gave him what he asked for. Perhaps I’ll be more cautious this time. But these guys have to realise that there’s a fire built ready to be lit, it they light the fire then it will start to burn. You pour petrol on it to speed it up it will either burn out quickly or burn down the house. If you can’t handle the fire, don’t light it, step away, even grown man children shouldn’t play with matches.

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