So today brings some pragmatism around life for me. It’s been a bit of a crazy couple of years with lots of changes, positives and some disappointments. The changes that happened some through choice, many with no control from me whatsoever and I reflect on the impacts these have had on my life.
Interestingly the first change, the catalyst for all other changes, the breakup of a 15 year long relationship was perhaps not the most traumatic on reflection, but the ability to actually let go and lay it to rest took a few months. Perhaps because we’d both checked out years ago, but the security blanket of each other that had become dogged, showing its wear needed to be taken away. Letting go was the hard part, realising I can do this alone was liberating, as initially I searched for my self worth in the hands of others only to find that it could be broken just as badly as it was before.
Self worth today comes from within. It certainly gets challenged from time to time but because the float of my self worth is now an internal aid and not external, like arm bands in the swimming pool or stabilisers on a bike, it keeps me afloat to survive the changeable oceans of life with their calms and their storms as I travel this journey.
This morning’s thoughts upon waking, like a dawning of realisation as ‘the one’ and every other crossed my mind were “perhaps I never really loved him after all?”. It felt good, the realisation that all this time I’ve been growing and leaving them all behind. I’ve been playing with boys all this time and actually I think it’s really time to fly solo before considering a date again.
I’ve been chatting to a few matches online but I’m not in any mood to meet any of them just yet. I’m biding my time until I’m 100% ready this time. Someone is going to have to really impress me this time before I even consider meeting them. I’ve just cancelled a date with a friend of a friend that I was meant to have. I’m just not in the right place to consider letting anyone else in. Time to cleanse this mind of mine.
There are better things I can be focussing on. My daughter can have even more attention. What I’ve noticed is that if I don’t prioritise these guys I match with, the ones who are worth my time will actually wait for my response, the ones who aren’t will pester me, get nasty and then unmatch me. These are the ones who would have been controlling. They can’t handle the fact I have a life of my own and anyone who is honoured enough to be let in will have a place but not all of it. I’m just not willing to compromise anymore. I don’t need someone to share everything with, if I want to share experiences I have a fantastic daughter and some amazing friends.
I don’t need the complications of trying to bolster some guy’s fragile ego because he can’t compete, I’m not competing anyway, I’m being myself. My home life is happy, it’s chilled out, there’s no desperate searching for the girl I once knew because she’s sat right here, she’s back to full strength. I didn’t need anyone to complete me, I did it all by myself. The next person I let in will be whole too. I’m done with broken, I’m not here to fix people because the only person who can fix you and make you happy is yourself. I don’t need anyone to make me want to be a better person either, I can just be better anyway. So as I swipe left on all the ex’s, the broken ones who nearly broke me too, I’m smiling, I’m not broken anymore. Seeing my daughter’s dad earlier in the week I just felt nothing, no hurt, no anger, no sadness just happy. I’m happy that I have a wonderful child who grows into an adult, a clever responsible one too. I’m happy for the hard work that went into getting to today. I’m happy for the closure, happy for the happiness that is just there now without having to try. Everything makes me smile, even small annoyances, I just choose to not be offended by the stupidity of people who can’t open their minds to the world right in front of them. It’s a rainy cold day but it’s good the sun shone through and that’s what you have to do when you think about life. It’s not ever going to be perfect, you can have everything and feel nothing, the happiness comes from being grateful for life, for the small things, but for also the glow inside that true happiness is, I don’t need handbags, a new car, big diamonds or anything material, I just need my thoughts and my freedom to think them. That is where true happiness lives. The pragmatism of stepping back and assessing it for what it really was and what it really is now. There’s no need for games to win, at love, at life, at anything. The happiness comes from the wholeness of living with a purpose, my purpose I think is to be myself, to share what’s here in the depths of my thoughts and to show my daughter there’s a better way to living than worrying about being loved, instead send your love out to the universe and it will come back times three…