I Surrender

So I gave myself the space the think. After Thursdays date which I’m now glad nothing much other than a drink and a goodnight kiss happened, I’ve decided that guy wasn’t for me, and guess what, rather than keeping him hanging, I’ve told him already. I’m not waiting for the one who makes me forget to come back either. If he does, we’ll see. If he doesn’t his loss.

I kinda think that after everything that’s happened it’s time to give it a rest. Time to stop worrying about finding the right person because when I do it’s either a guy who I like but he’s too immature to tell me straight what he wants, or plays games, or it’s a guy who’s just so lonely and desperate that he starts to get stalky and I don’t want either of these things.

I kind of wonder if this is the loneliness that is a strong woman’s lot. You meet a guy on a dating app, he’s either bigged himself up because he’s insecure, or hidden everything about himself because he’s insecure too. You’re downright honest and upfront, you tell him about yourself, and he either thinks, “well I can’t compete” or “I’ll have a damned good go”.

The guys on Elite Dating, well they are in no way elite, they’re on every other dating app too.

This is the thing, it’s the same shit, different app. Perhaps actually you can meet someone organically. So that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to really leave it to the universe and not technology. I don’t want these experiences to make me cynical but it’s starting to happen so it’s time to stop.

Perhaps I’m just too lazy in my old age. Perhaps more it’s just I’m too old for this shit! If there’s gonna be a guy he’ll have his shit together and will damned well tell me!

Tomorrow is my birthday and I turn 38! Scary isn’t it? Getting older can make you feel really insecure. I know that single guys without kids are looking to have them, and sometimes I think it’s my age that puts them off. ‘The one’ split up with me for that reason once, it hurt so much. He was the person I was willing to put my body through that again for, but he didn’t want to put me through it. There’s nothing like being told you’re perfect but you’re too old. The dumb thing is I’m probably biologically younger than most of the girls he’s dated because I take the time to look after myself. I wear sunscreen every day, I drink lots of water, I eat right. The turns you’ve had around the sun really don’t mean all that much.

I’m still undecided about whether I’d have children again. It’s not a burning desire right now, and the idea of putting another first for another 18 years after I’ve already done that since I was young is a decision I’d really have to consider, but with the right guy I would. Perhaps the one who made me forget who was clearly going to make a good dad one day had decided that I wouldn’t and that was his problem, perhaps we’ll just never know.

Perhaps the fact I already have a teenage daughter put him off. Some men assume that responsibility will fall on them and they don’t want that, when it’s not even what me or my daughter want either.

So I sent him one last text, I kinda know in my heart he’ll never reply. It was a bit of a long one along the gist of I’m sorry, I wish him well, I’m confused what happened, I hope he’s okay. Too needy, probably. I have no idea how to play these games so I just don’t play them. I loose when I do so I just don’t contend.

Perhaps that’s half the issue, everyone else is playing games too. So when you meet a guy and you don’t play games, because the last one did, he has no idea whether you’re telling the truth or not. The last one ruins it for the new one and it’s a vicious circle.

I went out with a friend last night who is becoming a good friend. He’s had similar problems and also kinda gave up. It’s really just sad that you get to the point where you feel that way. Your bright blue butterflies turn into drab brown moths because you’re expecting the worst and so attract that instead.

So I hold my hands up! I quit! I’m waving the white flag of surrender! I’m not looking for a one night stand, I don’t think I ever really was, boredom and my insecurities led me down that path a few times in the past. Sometimes you do that because you feel the need to prove you’ve still got it, sad really. The guys who send dick pics can really all fuck off. What leads a man the think that’s acceptable? I don’t know? You’re talking and then… oh there it is… yes we’ve all played at sexting and sometimes it’s fun, but when you make out you want something different and then change the tune so suddenly it’s just down right creepy.

Time to take some alone time, time to concentrate on home, ramp up my career further and stop procrastinating.

Being a lonely queen is better than being lumbered with the court jester for eternal company…

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