Fresh Start

Today marks a fresh start. I have learnt the lessons of my past mistakes and clearly the one who makes me forget was sent to test that I’d learnt. After ‘the one’ and his games, on off, will he won’t he? He loves me he loves me not, I have been determined never to fall for someone like that again and become so dependant on someone else to be able to feel good about myself. Since he’s not bothered to even acknowledge my existence since the weekend when we said goodbye outside his house Saturday morning, I’ve moved on. I’m not gonna wait. There’s a great meme I love to remember in these situations; if you have to hesitate when you’re choosing between me or someone else, please pick the other person.

So I’ve left him to it. Whether there is someone or not, I no longer care, because I’m a grown woman and I don’t play games. It takes two seconds to text back I’m busy till… or sorry I’ve had a stressful day and just need a bit of time to myself or whatever, but silence it unacceptable. So he’s free to do whatever he wants. It’s very much his loss.

I went on a date tonight with someone I matched with yesterday. I decided at that point to start looking again because I’m too old for this shit and I’m not wasting anymore time. So I met this guy who, well we really hit it off. I’ll see him again because I like him. He spent the whole time together telling me he couldn’t believe his luck. Is it a line? Time will tell but it’s time to put my faith that whatever I ask for will come to me naturally if I just give the universe a chance.

Today was a different, slightly stronger me. I was different in the office today, more reserved but in a good way. I stuck my head down and worked my arse off. I refocused, I forgot to worry about any of these stupid idiots who start off wanting… well god knows what, and then disappear without a trace.

Did I somehow offend him by being myself? Do I even care? I think actually I don’t. I did for a while, but his coldness is far more offensive than a joke taken the wrong way if that’s what it was, or a girl who finds horror movies a little bit funny, or perhaps even a girl who knows the controls on her motorbike, and points out that it’s the clutch not the break! Lol!

My colleague said that this is something men do to make you miss them, it’s apparently the new technique… well it backfired big style buddy. I’m far too good to be warming the bench, as a big football fan you should know you are mad if you stick your best player on the bench when she’s in her prime. Obviously this game just wasn’t important enough for him to win, and he’s fucking well lost it game set and match.

It’s interesting isn’t it? The turn of events. I wake up in his bed, with some suicidal thoughts, nothing to do with him, that’s just me when the weather changes. I was probably not quite myself that morning, but when you’re battling the daemon that lives inside your head, and it’s not time for sharing, your priorities change. So of course over the weekend I’ve cleansed my house and asked for protection, and low and behold, he’s disappeared. Perhaps it was him after all that I needed protecting from, life has a way of turning out just as you need it as long as you trust that it will.

So I’ve said my goodbyes, it was good to remember that I can feel passion again. And now it can be a gift for someone who actually deserves it. So the guy tonight, a lovely guy. Perhaps a guy I’m meant to share time with. I’m taking it as it comes. Apparently I’m his first date since his ex wife. Time will tell if he’s telling the truth.

There were certainly butterfly’s, he was very open. We talked for hours, he was incredibly honest. I’ve not got any hopes up just yet. The wall is back up but it’s not defensive, just guarded until I know that’s he’s really what I want in my life. Instead of messaging lots of different people, I’ve this time only messaged just one. I’m not gonna continue and swipe anymore, I’m gonna leave it right here and see what this guy does.

Perhaps it’s just time to do this like an adult. Well I kinda always was, but I was merely playing with boys and I’m bored.

So thanks for making me forget, now, so long, enjoy your life, enjoy your choices. I really believed you when you said you don’t play games, I really believed you when you said you don’t sleep around, and now I just don’t believe that you didn’t perhaps stretch the truth just a little. You lost this game, and you don’t get the prize. Go find a princess, she’s probably more your style. This little red head’s got work to do and she can’t be moping over fuck boys like you.

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