So it’s the end of Monday… thank goodness that’s over! Today was a struggle to get out of bed, I dunno about you but here where I live Monday started off cold and rainy. It got me thinking about priorities in my life. Obviously right now my job has to be one of them but turning up for the 9-5 is a struggle. I don’t think, in fact I know that humans are not programmed to do this 9-5 think. Ever feel like you’re chasing your tail? Me too.
The thing is I like what I do, I love what I do! The people I work with are great, the technology I get to design is great, so what is my problem? I wonder if some of it is purely a rebellious streak that I just can’t break. The idea that I must conform, I must be on time, wear the right clothes, say the right things, not make anyone cry… blah blah… probably.
You see, having conformed to rules my whole life I’m at that point of realisation that a lot of these rules are utter bollocks. Who wrote them? Where did they come from? What are they for? I get it, turning up on time makes us all do the same thing, wearing appropriate clothing kinda makes sense… turning up dressed like a stripper could be distracting. Not making people cry, well I try not to, although the effort of having to beat it around the bush till the penny drops rather than just saying it like it is makes me want to cry sometimes. We’re all adults here right?
I think tomorrow I’ll try harder and give myself a free ticket for today. Tonight I might actually get my clothes ready the night before and be a little more prepared. Perhaps this is what I partly object to. My free time being eaten into by preparation for work time when I would sort of like to turn up as myself and not worry if I’m conforming.
My dream, career wise, which I’d never really considered till perhaps six months ago is to not have a job at all one day. How long this will take Im not 100% sure. But by deciding that this is my goal I’m already putting this in motion. I enjoy the hubbub of the office yes, but I also enjoy not having to be in the office, I sort of want the best of both worlds…. the ambivert screams for balance.
Now, if I’m to get 8 hours sleep (I never get 8 hours sleep), spend 7.5 hours in the office, take an hour lunch, this leaves me with just 7.5 hours on a weekday to be myself… but, let’s face it, there’s an hour before work of getting ready and travelling, half an hour (yes I’m lucky) of getting home. Suddenly there’s not much time left. No wonder I stay up late, I’m trying to regain that time for myself.
Luckily nowadays the office doesn’t come home. I used to live with someone who worked for the same company, that was relationship suicide. You just can’t leave the office behind. Whilst yes you can sympathise about who pissed the other person off today, I found that it makes you dwell on it more and you just can’t get away from it. At least I now can and I hope he can too. Perhaps that was one of the repeating patterns I saw with the Stand In, it became a similar situation. Especially when you both have different opinions on a person’s professional ability because you see them in a different light. Or perhaps some people are just plain negative.
I’ve certainly regained some work life balance by moving company, but I still want more, or a flip in that balance to be more of a life-work balance.
Perhaps I’m asking just a little too much, perhaps I’m just tired. It is pushing me to change it though. Quite how, I’m not sure, but I’m determined that I will. 18 year old me would be horrified that I step foot in and office every day, but the office job has taught me discipline that I would not have learnt about had I not done so. Perhaps I need to take these life lessons now and fly solo. It may take a few years but I’m determined and when I put my mind to things I always do it. So today I’m committing to myself, today I’m deciding to work to live and not live to work. Some may be horrified, but I think most will agree. I don’t want to be the person who is lost at whatever retirement age will be when I get there because my work life is over and I don’t know what to do with myself. I want to be the person who stepped out and took a bow early because I found freedom. That’s what this is about, the need for freedom, I’ve had a taste of it and I like it. My life has changed significantly in the last 2 years but it’s not yet cooked. I was merely reading the recipe or perhaps even researching the ingredients to make my own. Now it’s time to start planning that recipe, because I know what the outcome should be, a cake with all the sweetness of being relatively affluent, the lightness of freedom all iced with the excitement of doing new things. The decorations will be a world fully travelled, a happy home filled with love and the outputs of a creative mind. Being rich isn’t really the goal here, but enabling myself to experience everything I can in the time that I have is. That for me is freedom, the freedom to choose what I do and how I do it. The vision is delicious, perhaps synesthesia helps there, because the colours of the rainbow each have a flavour. Now to get them in the right order to bake this cake and make it rise…