It’s nearly the Autumn Equinox and the urge to cleanse my life gets bigger by the day. I think back to the equinox in spring and remember planting my egg with my intentions written in it and I have achieved most of them I think. I have moved job, giving myself a better career. I have worked on my relationship with my daughter and that’s getting better, okay it was never bad but some closeness and trust was lost during her hospitalisation and needed to be rebuilt. I am still working at some, I have started to write my book. It’s a fiction based on events of reality that have happened in the past. This blog, that was one of my intentions. I try to assess how much I’ve accomplished when I’m having a bit of a dark slump that seems to have happened this week. It’s not always obvious to people who see me day to day but I feel it in the tension of the tightrope I walk trying to stay on the even keel of holding down the day job, carrying out mom duties whilst trying to solve the issues playing continuously in my mind that I struggle to get rid of.
There is a large amount of symbolism in Wicca but it serves a purpose, the rituals mean I’m doing something physical with the un-physical and sending them back out to the universe to come back as a positive. I need to burn some memories to cleanse them today. You can delete old photos from your phone but they remain in memory and the only way they can truly go is to print a copy and burn it. That’s what I’ll do today.
Going though my loft to clear it earlier this year I came across old photos and negatives these got burnt, not just thrown away. It was the only way to get rid for good. The same with birthday cards from my daughter’s dad that I’d kept over the years. I can now never believe that the words he’d written were ever meant and therefore they had to go. So paper gets burnt, possessions that can be of use get given to charity and the energy is released so that it can come back positive. There’s science in burning, as the molecules are broken down by the fire, the breaking of the bonds, the energy that makes the flames changes the energy that was stored within, the energy that created the words or the image, and cleanses it into something better, the ashes buried, it can feed the plants, the energy cycle is complete. I do this with everything that has caused me hurt in the past.
Yes perhaps a little crazy for some but it works for me. The cleansing continues with a clear out of possessions in our house. Broken things, stuff you don’t need. The feeling of release when it’s left my possession and is gone is therapeutic.
I will dry my sage and burn it later, ask for protection and draw my salt water pentacles on every window and then the cleanse will be complete. My house has changed dramatically from the one I bought out from my daughter’s dad. Nearly every piece of furniture replaced. Every wall repainted. The graft of doing this myself has been another therapeutic activity, it took away the feeling of loneliness and gave me a sense of pride and accomplishment as each job got finished. Carpets pulled up and floors painted. Walls painted over to create a dramatic change from the house that stood before.
Perhaps it will be only when the cleansing is complete that someone new can come in and stay. I often wondered if the fact this has been my house through everything intimidates new guy’s in case my past is not fully left behind. But there is no past left in the house. It’s hard to imagine the past that occurred here. Perhaps the recent past lingers still and so that’s the part I’m going to cleanse today. The photos of him that remain in my archive folders that I couldn’t quite get rid of. I already deleted every text, every conversation, everything he touched is washed, cleansed, it’s purely the last little bits in my mind. But now it all has to go. Two full moons and new moons have passed since, time to get ready for the equinox so that the cleanse will be complete. Then as we close down in preparation for the solstice when the death of the year happens and the newness can really begin I will be ready.
The energy in the air is sparkling with anticipation today. Ready and waiting for the last bits to go, it’s down to me now to put the past fully behind me. It’s with sadness perhaps that I say goodbye to the summer, a summer filled with some big disappointments in some ways, and yet also filled with some amazing new starts. I was disappointed in his failure to keep his promises, disappointed to leave a company after a long time of service with such a bitter taste in my mouth. But then I was perhaps focussing on the wrong things. I’ve been welcomed at the new place with open arms. There are new men and potential promises, we’ll see how that goes. Now the future is totally open, as I prepare for the shorter days, the dark mornings that have in the past few years worried me, I’m not as worried as I was before. The dark voice has been kept at bay, the dark nights will unleash my creative mind. The dark mornings will be difficult but will be okay. This time last year I was starting to feel trapped in a relationship that I had no control over, this year I’m free. Free is better than trapped, alone is better than trapped. There isn’t anything that I regret, there’s just no point. Regrets, like the eight of swords, blind you from the way out of your dark place. So I’m opening my eyes after my cleansing and focussing on what’s to come. The reminders of the recent past will be gone for good so the I can continue to build on the dreams. No more beating myself up, no more standing in my own way. This little urban witch has got work to do so she’s better get started…