Taking it slow

So a little over two weeks since we last saw each other because of my holiday and his busy life etc. I saw the one who makes me forget last night. This time I went to his, I’d never been there before so it was a good change. He has a house mate so with the house to himself we seized the opportunity. His house was really nice, not the grotty boy’s share of ‘the one’, in the middle of a nice area, and well decorated I was perhaps a bit relieved. I guess it’s finally nice to meet someone who doesn’t live either with his mother, in a student flat or another city.

I rode over on my motorbike because parking there is at a premium and he helped me to bring it into the front behind the hedge, just in case.

It wasn’t long before we were upstairs, we’d missed each other… even though nobody was going to put that into words… way too soon!

He’d gone to a huge effort preparing food, finding out what I like and was actually a pretty good cook. I’ll be honest I normally hate when someone cooks for me, but that’s just down to a few bad experiences with narcissistic people so this was pretty nice.

We ate, we watched a horror movie, I was happily surprised his reactions to the gore were somewhat like mine, I often find bits in horror movies funny, this normally shocks people, this guy found it funny too. Perhaps I’ve finally found someone who’s sense of humour is as dark as mine… who knows… guess time will tell.

He took me up to the room in the attic, it’s his house mates room but wanted to show me the view across the city, two days after the full moon with little cloud it was a pretty good view. Things got steamy again and we were getting naughty in his house mates room… oops. The funny part was that well… leakage afterwards… luckily we weren’t on the guy’s bed… we were laughing like naughty kids trying to get out of the room and down the stairs without leaving any tell tale signs….

We went to bed neither of us are all that used to sharing a bed with someone so it’s still a bit strange when we do. But we wake up after not the best sleep. I’m still worried he’s going to blame me, but again this is just past experiences that I need to put aside. He never does. It’s funny how you start to be able to pinpoint your insecurities and hopefully fix them once you’re out of the situation that caused the damage to your reactions in the first place.

In the morning we accidentally break his bed, it’s not like it’s a badly made one either, this guy is just strong. We rebuild the broken bit afterwards, laughing.

He makes me breakfast and coffee, we have a bit of time just being together and then I know it’s time to head home. He helps me move my bike out front, bumping into his next door neighbours, they are older but seem nice. She gives me a knowing grin, they must have heard everything. I don’t mind, but I do wonder what they’re thinking. Purely out of curiosity.

It’s my birthday next weekend, but I haven’t told him. I’m not sure I want to, I think it’s too soon to put that kind of pressure on him, so I’ll spend it with friends and my daughter. At least I won’t be meeting anyone’s mother this year!

It’s a funny but nice situation. I’m really having to put the breaks on. This guy seems to have the potential to be everything I want. But it’s clear we have both been hurt before. I don’t know his story just yet, he knows a small bit of mine. It’s funny what hormones do to you in the heat of the moment. I have so nearly blurted feelings that no one is ready for just yet, and it’s taking all my will power to keep it in the box. It’s not stubbornness more worry that if I push for more he’ll run, or I’ll get myself into something that actually isn’t what I want at all and suddenly I’ll be back with the horrible situation I was with the ‘Stand In’. I’ve only known this guy for four weeks. Taking it this slow is a bit new to me, I kind of like it. When I think back to meeting my daughter’s dad, everything happened so quick that there was no time to back out, everything was decided, commitment agreed, we’d moved to a new place all within two weeks. This time there’s just no rush. I have nothing to prove, I don’t need outsiders validation of the situation to make this some sort of official thing, in fact official is perhaps too much at the moment. So apart from here it’s been kept well under my hat. Kind of like a happy little secret, like when you know you’re about to do something but haven’t told anyone yet. It’s way too early to tell if the feelings are purely those of hormones when I see him or real. I think before with every other guy it’s been hormones alone and that’s how it’s fizzled out and the panic set in. Living with someone again scares me. I had wanted to live with ‘the one’ but I think it was for all the wrong reasons. Even when he’d asked once if he lost his flat share could he stay I’d said yes and then thought about it and started to worry about what that meant in reality. I’m happy to leave this a while and see where it goes. We certainly have fun and perhaps fun is where it will end. I’m going to let him take the lead, one thing I’ve learnt is that men seem to prefer that. If I sit back and let him perhaps it’ll lead somewhere good, and if not that’s fine too, I’m not going to waste my energy on something if it wasn’t meant to be anymore…

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