This morning I woke up troubled. There’s a lot of thinking space in the time spent avoiding talking. This isn’t a bad thing as such, I think I actually need the space the exorcise these thoughts and feelings. There’s a mix of them I think and perhaps trying to work out what they are will help me sort them through and find peace. It’s not really a crashing low as I’ve had before because I don’t feel hopeless or like there’s no way out as I have done so many times before, just troubled with a busy mind and a mirrad of thoughts and feelings about those thoughts.
My daughter still sleeping and the opportunity to create some space I’m doing the thing that works best, writing it down and processing it as I do to see what’s going on and how or if I need to fix it.
This week I’m surrounded by couples, old, new, somewhere in between, with kids, childless but couples all the same. Some seem happy, actually most seem a little unhappy but in lots of different ways. The happiest ones seem to have formed a gang with others and are now a gang of couples all taking, laughing drinking, leaving their kids to it. We are social animals by nature I guess. I’ve witnessed the ever so slightly resentful couples who are holding the tightrope of tension between each other so hard that nothing is going to fall off it in public, but what happens behind closed doors?
We witnessed on older couple in the restaurant yesterday looking particularly tense, she looked downright miserable and he was looking at every pretty girl who walked past. Human nature I guess but still it was very obvious and disrespectful to his lady friend. Even worse was when he invited another lady to come sit with them and ignored his eating partner (we can only assume was his wife) and continued to talk to the other lady. When she got up to leave he demanded she sat back down. I can only imagine how humiliated she felt at that moment.
I vowed to myself never to allow myself to be put into that position, no matter how old and ugly I get or how long I’ve been with someone.
I’ve done a relatively good job of removing the one from my mind in the last week, but the stupid idiot managed to cross it yesterday and I can’t really work out what it is I’m feeling. There’s an element of loss and I think actually the biggest feeling is the disappointment of loss. I’m disappointed that he made so many promises and just didn’t keep them. I’m disappointed that when I reminded him I knew the relationship might not be forever he told me he had every intention of being there forever. I’m disappointed that that he allowed me to open up and let him in knowing I’d been pretty badly hurt and then did just the same and wonder whether he meant to. I’m not sure he did, but he did anyway. I guess some of me wants him to just feel that pain, remember it and never do this to anyone else again. I’m probably just searching for answers that I’m never going to get and that’s the hard part. How do you stop the thoughts knowing that no one is ever going to say the words that stop those thoughts from running away with your mind and potentially make you lose it.
I remember that this time there’s no buffer of the fake seretonin and therefore I’m doing okay. I’m not crashing this time as I have so many times before when I was relying on it. I think whilst antidepressants are great to help you continue with life, putting food on the table etc. They may just have a tendency to over buffer you and make the lows feel worse. So either it’s strength of mind that I’ve now regained or perhaps the fake highs before were making it worse. Then again, everything is my life is better, I’ve worked hard to get there, perhaps something like this is no longer making me crash because in balance it’s just one thing at one time and not everything all at once.
The times we’d split before there was a huge amount of other noise in my life, my job was really not going the best, there was a lot of stress in the company I had been working at after a long project where everyone was exhausted and a restructure of teams left me feeling very lost. My work buddies had previously been the people to get me through the tough stuff. When everything changed that support network disappeared overnight. There were plenty of other things going on too at that point that have all been resolved or are at least manageable now. So perhaps this is the point at which I can now work on these thoughts to get them over with.
So yes I think the main thing I’m feeling is disappointment. I guess when someone feeds the furnace, making you think that something is bigger than it is, you are going to be disappointed when they suddenly, without warning cut off the fuel, close the air ducts and expect the fire to die. But of course if there’s been a lot of fuel that fire is going to take a while to go down, or if the air runs out first then the fuel just sits in the furnace unused until someone either relights it or cleans it out. Cleaning it out is my preference, all the debris from the past fuel will be gone too. So today I’m cleansing the furnace. There won’t be any answers to my questions and I just need to accept that. I can answer them myself sure but I’ve done a lot of that already and let’s face it, over analysing this kind of thing sends you into a bit of a downward spiral, so I’m not going to.
There’s a clever bit of psychology around looking at yourself firstly as you see yourself, then how you perceive others may see you, then lastly asking others to be truthful in how they really see you, that’s the hard part, getting an honest answer to the third question, and then of course accepting it and working on it. I guess I’m lucky in lots of ways to have had plenty of honest feedback on how people really see me over the years and the opportunities to act on it. If you don’t do this it’s actually impossible to function as a well adjusted adult. I know that he probably has never really had this and doesn’t take criticism well so runs instead. It’s the part of growing up that when running a business in an insular environment you probably don’t get the exposure to. He never actually got any criticism from me but I think his guilty conscience for his behaviour got the better of him so rather than talk about it he decided to read between the lines and run rather than face up to the fact he might just have been causing hurt. No doubt I’m not the first person he’s done this to.
So there’s my answers I guess. Having thought it through properly it feels better, the lack of answers don’t really matter. I don’t think they’d make much difference anyway. I’m starting to feel like the cleansing process has worked. There’s room for the new guy, calling him the one who make me forget feels unfair now, I’m not really sure what name he’ll get just yet. But I hope it’s a good one and he’s worth the words, I think he is. Today after my thought cleansing and the surprising release I feel freer to actually consider a future properly without the sense of loss hanging over the newness that is happening right now. When I get back I will actually have missed the new guy, but in a good way, in a “I’ve had a great time, now lets spend some time together” kind of way. I’m getting used to the feelings of having my own life and not needing to be permanently in contact with someone and it’s a good feeling. I have gained more than I’ve lost in so many ways. My sense of self grows daily and the feeling of being a person in my own right without the need to be validated has arrived. Perhaps I’m now ready this time and perhaps this time it will be right for me. I’m just going to take things moment by moment and worry less about the things I can’t control…