Introvert

Today was perhaps the most chilled out I’ve felt in some time. Being on holiday with nothing to worry about at this present point in time and nothing I can do about it if I was going to worry I managed to find the mind space to totally empty my brain and relax. Sat by the pool there was an element of people watching too but being hooked on the book I just started reading it was easier to zone out entirely and ignore everything going on around me.

My daughter happily wandering back and forth between the sun beds and the lobby where she could access the wifi (very important when you’re 14) I was pretty much left to my own devices for the day. This for me is probably the best thing about being on holiday with just my daughter. She’s not the needy type and likes to be left to get on with it for at least some of the time, with no one else to worry about I could just read, people watch and swim.

Here is what I’m learning about people. Lots of them hang around in groups, and those groups latch on to other groups and a successful day is when they have latched on all day and made common ground. With the aim of swapping numbers and promising to visit at other end of the country when they get home… blah blah… I don’t really seem to find any common ground with any of these people. In fact I kind of struggle. I’m happier not being in that group and observing from the outside unless it’s a group talking about something I’m actually interested in and I’m in the mood to talk to people. But on days like today I’m actually all talked out, they could come to me and want to talk about my favourite stuff and I still just wouldn’t care.

Small talk is the thing I think I hate most on days like today, it’s exhausting, It makes me uncomfortable, I feel like it’s a bit of a waste of time, I struggle to see the benefit. This isn’t all the time, when I’ve got my extrovert hat on I can small talk like the best of them but when I’m all extroverted out it’s time to go into stealth mode and blend in with the scenery in the hope I don’t get talked at.

I will happily go a whole day without talking to anyone, it really doesn’t bother my when I’m in this frame of mind.

So the day’s events, breakfast, turn on phone to catch up with the world, text off Mr Clingy 5 (dammit and a real text not Imessage) so I get charged to read that he’s giving up unless I message him back… problem solved… money well spent.

Text off the one who makes me forget telling me he’s glad I haven’t picked up more pets and promising not to spoil GoT but will watch the final episode with me when I get back because he knows I’m going to love it. That guy scores points with every interaction to be fair. He may just be a keeper.

Text off bestie hoping I’m haveing the best time. And then Facebook feed check the usual likes and banter etc.

Phone off, apart from stuff with my daughter that is all the human interaction I need today. Specs on, sunbed at the ready with shade and factor 50 to maintain my usual shade of vampire white I set about ignoring everyone. In fact I ace it until the afternoon when I decide to grab a coffee. I’m sat watching some finches raiding an abandoned plate of food and really enjoying studying their behaviour, quite happily lost in my thoughts when dammit ‘animation rep’ has to invite himself to sit with me! There must be a cultural thing here. I can shoot my ‘please leave me the fuck alone’ look very successfully in the UK and people will run. I actually successfully did this to the one once at the gym and he told me I was scary so didn’t say hi that day. This made me laugh. Here in another country my look of death isn’t working at all. I do not wish to discuss why I don’t have a husband here with me or in fact that I never have had a husband and am not sure if I ever want one. The finer points of that appear to be lost here. So after some small talk about dogs and snakes, I suggest I’d like to be left alone now, he still doesn’t get it, but his boss calls him over so I’m saved! As he walks away he shouts “see you down in the main bar for the entertainment show later!” To which I smile, nod and think ‘When hell freezes over!’

I go back to my sun bed and carry on in my own self inflicted solitary confinement for the rest of the day. This is good, there are days when I’m really good at being a human and days when I don’t really feel like it. It’s perfectly okay to just be alone without any guilt that because you’re not having a conversation every second of that day you are somehow a bad person. Perhaps if we all spent less time talking and more time listening and perhaps even thinking we might just all get on better!

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