Empty mind

Today is the day of a new moon and for some parts of the world a visible solar eclipse which is pretty exciting. The new moon brings new beginnings and a fresh start. Today my mind feels empty of worries and troubling thoughts, I feel at peace with my surroundings. Perhaps that’s what true happiness is.

This ending phase of what’s felt like a troubling cycle comes almost 2 years after the breakup with my daughter’s dad to the very day and I reflect on the events of the journey that has got me to where I am right now. The losses of the past have made way for the newness of the future. Just like all good things that decay with age you must lay them to rest in order to allow for the newness.

The relationship with my ex had been decaying for a while with only duty perhaps being the thing still holding it together, and the echoes of past promises that meant nothing for some time. But letting go was scary for us both and took courage if it wasn’t to destroy us both and the most important person, our child. The ending was far from perfect, full of distress, accusations and trauma, the turbulence being evident in my sudden weight loss from the inability to eat or sleep. Not because I missed him, more because I just had no idea how to live as myself having being kept within the confines of the rules for so long. The rules that had lost their meaning for me long ago, that I did without thinking because it was the path of least resistance.

The laying to rest of my dog, my first child was a closure that happened alone, just me and her as she took her last breath on that table at the vets, so cold, so clinical, so necessarily clean for the next animal that needed the kindness of death to end the suffering, a dignity reserved for the animal but not the human who must labour till the last because we cannot play the creator or the destroyer in such cases.

The theft of a bike which returned luckily but pained me, the coming and going of men who gave glimpses of what I might need but not the full picture, leaving only emptiness and need to remove myself from their grasps, their ultimatums, demands and the feelings of guilt that came from feeling this was just more of the same. The obligations to conform to the unwritten rules and give up the freedom I was learning I had always had but perhaps not chosen to follow before.

The hospitalisation of my daughter who had decided that diabetes and its management was too difficult when coupled with her teenage hormones putting barriers before the ability to communicate her feelings of disparity about her condition and so she ignored it in the hope that it would cure itself. With the worry of her decline she became more and more protective of her rights to secrecy, jumping at the suggestions that she was skipping her doses with venom in the hope that people would just stop asking.

Today nothing is perfect but nothing is not perfect. The future waits with anticipation of what is to come there is potential energy and I feel it building but nothing kinetic just yet as the wheels await the commands to be put in motion in the direction I’m headed like the rollercoaster as it crests the very top of its largest dip, just hanging in suspended animation until the full power of the force pushes it down its path for the inevitable thrill.

The last new moon was a time to burn the things I should have and would have said. They were buried and forgotten with the closure of the ritual. Today the new moon starts the growth of the intentions after the closure that have been laying dormant in the soil ready for the moment of gestation and transformation to begin.

Today is fresh. Today is new. No false serotonin in my veins, just my own because I’m healed of the hurt, the disappointment of discovering that I was on the wrong path all along. Today the new path is established and steady, its different to the path that I had always perceived to be the right one, but it’s the best path for me as the happiness proves.

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