Isn’t it funny how stuff changes so quickly. A month ago, no a week ago at this time I was feeling terrible, thinking that there was no point trying anymore. I’d spent half the night with Mr Clingy 3, made my excuses at 3am after falling asleep because I just wanted to be alone. His clingyness was suffocating already and I could feel my independence being sucked away with every breath as I lay there in his bed, wishing I had stayed at home, the disappointment in myself, the offerings of the universe and the online profile that told so little of the story. I woke up that morning in my own bed to a barrage of texts asking when we could wake up together and similar stuff and just felt tired of everything.
I had the date planned for that night and was feeling like there was just no point, almost cancelled, thought he’d probably not turn up anyway. Then I met him and the feelings began, the feelings that I had locked away in a box. The ones I swore would not happen again because they only get hurt so best keep them safe. Perhaps they will, who knows but I don’t care, I remember that it’s okay to feel and it’s better that way, even if it ends in disaster like last time and before and before again, it’s worth it.
So I’ve seen him again already this week, and last night he turns up after a night with his friends, telling me everyone was flagging and he was horny so he wanted to come over. He was adorably drunk, cute and hilarious. Not like one before who would scare me so much when he came home loud, full of accusations of people doing things they shouldn’t when perhaps he had been as well…. so people tell me.
So this guy I’ve met less than a week ago, turns up in a state that I would have feared before but he’s sweet, he’s apologetic, he’s caring and funny. I’m prepared of course because he told me he was coming, my PJs discarded for something more appropriate, we have fun, my bed needs rebuilding, he’s strong and the momentum from the last two nights he has spent here are showing already…
He tells me he appreciates the effort I make whenever we meet as we lie on my bed and I forget about the past even more. Mid flight he asks why the hell I am single and I ask him the same, and we both just laugh. We are different in lots of things yet deep down the same. My love of metal, his love of all things trance and dance and rave, but deep down it’s the base that we both seem to be drawn to. We flick through Spotify and reminisce about bands from the past playing guessing games to see if the other knows who it is. I loose every time but appreciate the new tracks he’s teaching me I might just like, my mind is open to new ideas and he’s willing to provide them.
I tell him he’s dangerous, I might fall for him, he looks sheepish, I’m scared that he’s running already, but he doesn’t, he stays and hugs just that bit tighter. He tells me I’m hot, he does everything I want just knowing somehow. As we lie on my bed talking, just being we talk about happiness being the thing that both of us have wanted out of life. He’s scared he’s not ambitious enough for me, I tell him he’s wrong because he’s just the right balance.
He asks about my work, I tell him, but get scared I’m going into far too much detail, he asks me for more, he’s actually interested, I’m so scared he sees just a geeky bore who talks about things that only exist in the ether, the things that I work with have no tangible substance apart from the pictures I draw to explain. But he wants to know more, he knows more than he thinks, he doesn’t do his intellect justice. I ask about his day and he makes me laugh with his situations of things that have happened at work, his thoughts on people, what they do, their motivations and how he deals with them. We lie and just chill, he runs his fingers up and down my spine as he drunkenly bumbles stuff and things and slaps my arse and tells me he likes it. There is no coldness in this man, no switching off, he’s an open book, I trust him already. We talk about balance, beliefs, everything and anything. There is more in that mind of his I’m discovering layer by layer as he relaxes and reveals more and more.
He lets slip that he left his friends to come see me and I’m secretly pleased, I feel like I’ve been chosen.
We seem to be in similar situations, having come out of relationships living together with the other that didn’t work out and now we both seem to be on the same page when it comes to needing space and time alone because we are both very much our own people in ourselves, there’s no need for the other to make either feel complete, two whole people living two full lives a little closer together but still both our own.
We sleep, we wake up, we sleep some more, we drink coffee and chill, we talk some more. He goes home because we both have things to do today. His welcome intrusion of my space and time making the weekend feel so much better already. I’m scared a little, I’m not ready to hope or dream just yet. But that’s okay, slow is what I need.
The universe always has something in store when something we’re used to but isn’t quite right goes away. Each time it’s something or someone better than you knew existed before. The guy who on paper perhaps isn’t my type is perhaps everything I’ve been missing. Perhaps it’s the same for him. The slightly younger than me but older than the others guy, has done his time finding his place in the world, there’s no angst remaining only good feelings he’s been there and done it and is ready to be the man I might need. But it’s less than a week and too early to tell, I guess we’ll see how the story unfolds…