Focusing on what you want

A couple of weeks ago on a day I was just feeling really confused and missing the one again, after a few shitty dates where no one interested me at all and I felt like giving up, I got a Tarot reading for a bit of guidance. I asked what I should focus on most for August, my career, family, money, or love. Half expecting the answer to be family… I’ve done a lot of focussing on that lately with my daughter’s issues around seeing her dad, I waited for the response. I was hugely surprised to get the answer… love. But this was with a twist and actually made me think better about the whole thing.

The advice was not exactly to focus on finding love, more focus on what I would want out of it. What was I expecting, what was I comfortable with, what kind of person did I really want to meet? And it got me thinking, until that point I don’t think I’d really considered any of this. Did I even want to live with someone again? Was I ever going to be happy to settle down in the typical living together, sharing a bed, a bathroom, potentially every waking moment with someone? I really wasn’t sure. I think until now I’d thought that in order to be a whole person you needed to be part of a successful couple. You see when a young couple gets pregnant the world is willing them to fail. If you’re not the typically married with a house kind, you are doomed in the eyes of statistics and it makes you try to prove them wrong, against all odds and it’s generally pretty heart breaking. This is something I never want to experience again. A whole bag of nope right just there!

So if it’s not that then what the heck do I want?? And do I want any of it at all? Well that’s the part of the journey I think I’m finally getting to grips with. I’ve met some very needy men lately, these guys are usually childless, late 30’s and running out of time in their own eyes. They’ve either just never made it with an ex, or worked their arses off then got to 40 or almost 40 and realised they have a nice car, house (actually some had neither) but are incredibly lonely. These are the guys who would love a 25 year old but can’t have one so chase and chase to try capture a woman who’s still okay to have kids, but a bit older then pressure you to get on with it, yet again putting everything about you on hold whilst they reap the glory of sowing their seed successfully. I very nearly fell into that trap with ‘the Stand in’ and spotted it straight away with ‘dr yesterday’. There will be some girl out there for them, it won’t be me.

There is nothing worse than the guy who tries too hard. It just makes me wonder what’s being hidden. Cynical perhaps but my experience in this so far is that my cynicism is justified. They hope that you are in the same position of low self esteem as they are and will happily just submit to their will, take their name and do what a good housewife should. Hell no!

So what the hell is it I actually want? Well I’m always pretty clear about that. If you’re a fuck boy, I might play and when I’m bored I’ll say my goodbyes. If he’s half decent I might just give him a chance, but I kind of expect more than most can give. I’m not after a guy that will join me in ever hobby, nope that stuff is mine, get your own! But common ground, like the ability to be stupid, laugh at silly things and generally goof around is a must. No early risers please! Unless you’re gonna show me something interesting and that’s not waving your floppy dick in my face when I’m trying to sleep as the ‘stand in’ once did before he left for work at 7am when I was trying to sleep… I nearly bit it… half wish I did!

No, I think I’m after a guy who does his own thing, looks after himself and makes his own money, I don’t really care how much as long as he’s ambitious. Someone who can be positive even when things are shit, and will also accept that all my pets are important, they are not possessions. I don’t need a step dad for my daughter, I really do not believe the bull about no man about the house causes trouble. Actually an abusive man about the house is 100 times worse.

So I guess I need, a guy who’s good looking, I have to be attracted to him. A guy who can be passionate because well what the hell is the point otherwise? A guy who’s ambitious and isn’t gonna just sit there in a dead end job and moan constantly, also a guy who is capable of looking after himself, I’ve been a mommy to my own child and I’m not being a mommy to someone else’s again! Plus points… someone who will happily camp at a music festival and not give a toss about mud, the fact it’s pissing down and everything is soaked because we’re having too much fun to care. I don’t need a knight in shining armour, I fight my own battles, I quite enjoy that. And seriously stop running ahead to hold doors guys! I was born with two arms and if you carry on I’ll give you a playful right hook to prove it. Perhaps that’s it, I just want another human to co-exist with, sometimes I’ll hold the door and it won’t be some sort of crime. Sometimes I’ll get the bill and that will also be okay. And if he turns Machine Head off when I’m driving, it’ll be over.

Bonus points for the guy that hijacks a helicopter to fly me to the best spot to watch Metallica headline at a kick ass festival.

I don’t want much do I? Lol!

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