All the choice but…

So not long after being back out there I’ve come across a lot of choices but none are quite what I want. Probably because really there’s only one I want but that’s the one that I can’t have. There’s not one man I’ve met that’s been able to make me forget all about him.

Tonight was exactly the same. I met a sweet guy, really lovely and he wants more and I just can’t give him that. Every touch was different, everything was not right. He laughed at my jokes but couldn’t banter. He didn’t quite get the things I like or dislike and he tried so hard. I know this guy is the type that would do anything to make his girl happy. He was willing to learn about all the stuff I love but the foundation wasn’t there. Different music taste, different humour, different everything. Fit but too skinny. Into his extreme sports but not able to explain his enthusiasm.

He would have been one to try so hard but he just wouldn’t have been able to replace him. And that’s the problem, right now it’s all about replacing him. I don’t want to mould someone into something they’re not. I just wanted the person who is what I want.

I went to meet him with determination, I told myself this time it would be the right one. This time I wanted to meet this guy, I’d picked him. But when I got there he wasn’t the man I’d picked, just a shadow of the one I’d lost.

Dating sites are a little bit like the Wild West, you get hounded on some by guys who hope your self esteem is low enough to make you allow them near. Back 2 years ago it would have been for some, but not now.

I guess it’s like when you fall of a horse and you have to get back on or you never will, the longer you leave it the harder it gets. At the end of every date I tell myself I’m giving up. I’m not going to bother anymore. There is one guy and I’ve fallen for him hard but I can have him anymore because he’s decided he’s not right for me. His letting me go in his eyes a sign of how much he loved me, which let’s face it is fucked up in itself. If you have a precious diamond you don’t throw it away so you can’t loose it, you keep it safe and look after it. Why can’t some men get that? The fear of loosing someone makes them run away and hurts you and them in the process so neither of you are happy.

So after the guy tonight trying his hardest, as I lay in his arms with my head on his chest, him treating me like a queen. In my mind I screamed to the one to come back. To make it right again. To watch Archer in bed, to tell me about the random things in his head, to act like the moron that makes me laugh and this time forget about running away. You see, some of it was his insecurities that I’d find someone better and leave him without warning. But now I can have any man that I want I’m proving he had nothing to worry about, there are none that I want, and the ones who are there for more than a fling make the whole situation worse. There wasn’t any danger of me doing the things that he feared the most.

My tarot says this is the universe helping me to understand exactly what it is I want so I don’t make the wrong choice again when I do. I hope it’s right. I guess I just have to keep trusting that the plans for me will be good. Spells are tempting but I don’t want to touch them, I’d rather he was here of his own free will.

I have one more date planned and after that I think I’m going to leave it for a while. Whilst I’m always very honest that I’m really not looking for anything serious right now, the pressure, the messages, the second date invites make it worse because it’s beginning and the guilt sets in. Not because it’s a one night stand, sex and love is easy to separate, but because they want to break down the walls, to conquer to possess, and I can’t let that happen when my heart belongs somewhere else.

Perhaps tomorrow will change my mind, who knows? But I have my doubts. I worry today about getting older and wasting time and the confidence I’ve only just found on being alone while it withers away. Perhaps that’s why I do what I do, because you’re damned if you do and you’re damned if you don’t. I’ll place my feelings back in that box for a while I think and lock it back up so they can’t get hurt. Not hurt by the others, you understand, but more hurt by the fact the others are not what I really want. I’ll keep them safe for a rainy day.

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