Sticky boob bras

IMG_0517We’ve all seen the online adds for these miraculous sticky bras that you do up at the front giving you instant amazing cleavage and no straps. Well this looks awesome I thought, finally no matter what your back size you can just buy one to cover your ahem… err lady lumps, pull the chord of awesome tuck and go! Riiight?!?

I’m sold! Where do I sign? I wanna get me one of those! So I click the link to go to the store and read the sizing instructions…. they have all the way up to the cup size below mine so feeling optimistic I pick black (of course) and buy myself the sticky bra of awesome that’s gonna solve all my strappy top summer nightmares and my every wish will come true!

I’m excited, I check my post box daily (I had to buy a metal one for outside my house because one of my dogs likes to eat the post, hilarious when it’s my ex’s important stuff 2 years on I still get that shit, baaaaaad when it’s my long awaited bad girls go to Valhalla Tshirt). It took forever to arrive! Like months… okay weeks but I hate waiting! I wanted to stick stuff to my boobs like the girl in the video and draw that chord of amazing so I could rock that strappy top!

Day 837 in the Du Moriet house… okay probably 33 but we talked about my inability to wait for anything just now. It arrives! My coveted sticky pads of boob busting are here! I take off my biker gear, run up stairs, unpack the package with the Chinese writing and postage stamps and behold! it’s here! Praise the gods and goddesses that may or may not exist! Life right now is the best thing since well whatever makes it the best, sliced bread or something.

I unpeel the sticky back stuff and position it in the right places and visualise the dream that will be me very shortly rocking out to music taking selfies like the girl on the advert! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!

There’s special none sticky bits kinda in the middle so your nips don’t get all stuck so you know where they should go roughly…

I pull the chord, await the awesome and look in the mirror…. to my horror… under boob, side boob…over boob…. weird middle boob thing going on. This is not what I imagined. I unstick, reposition and try again…. worse! Okay… nope, move them down a bit, sticky mess now in all the wrong places… nope armpit boob going on there now… hmmmm….. I’m not sure these things are designed for women who are anything over a C cup… I look more uplifted without the damned thing on! The chord of awesomeness comes out of it’s pully thing as  try to get the stupid sticky thing off and I consider that I actually need a winch here not just a stupid bit of string.

Dammit! What to do now?!? This is clearly not for me… it will sit dismally in the drawer with many other impulse internet purchases that were supposed to make me look like the lady dancing around in the ads… the plastic bag that would make me have feet like and angel, the no heat hair curlers that gave me a 1970’s half Afro… perhaps I’ll try it again… the online shop people said I’d got it all wrong and sent me a how to video.

So pros… no straps… yay…

Cons… very very sticky, may well have been better off just using gaffa tape… tripe boob issues… dropped it on the floor now has some dog hair on it… gross. Rope not strong enough, needs to consider the stuff that climbers use if it’s to hold up anything a little more substantial. Also, I like to match… this is not really what you want to reveal when you take off your clothes… a bit like wearing Spanx… yeah… no…

Alternative uses I’m considering… knee pads, obviously take of the chord if you’re gonna do that… stick them to my butt so I can make like Kim K?

Verdict… perhaps not for me…









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