Outdoor bore

IMG_0475In the spring of 2016 I had a very weird date. I swiped on a guy purely because in his profile photo he was riding a horse. I love horses! I think, no I know I swiped because of the horse and not the guy.

So after a couple of days chatting online we met. He drove over to see me from just over the border. He was an outdoor enthusiast and thought it would be cool to have a picnic up a nearby mountain that wasn’t actually a mountain more a very big hill. My friends thought I was mad but I’m kind of one of those girls that thinks what the hell, at least you’re not gonna bore me with yet another half arsed microwave meal in an overpriced gastro pub.

So I meet the guy in the car park (dodgey) at the bottom of this mountain (hill). To be honest thinking about it now we may as well have been attending a dogging meet… two cars pull up, two people get out… we’re going up a mountain… in the dark… yeah dodgey what was I doing?!?

He’d given me a lecture about having the right gear before hand, I turn up sexy underwear underneath… just in case… jeans, shirt and waterproof stuff to go over the top plus my signature Doctor Martens… I wear these everywhere. He sniffs at the Doc Martens, I don’t give a fuck. So we walk up the mountain, he’s clearly out of breath and perhaps not so outdoorsy as he made out, he was also 10 years younger than me and starting to bore me. Turns out he worked in a shop. Okay people work in shops that’s okay but this guy was just so bitter, slagging off customers and talking about people like they were shit. Slagging off his manager and then telling me about mummy and daddy paying his rent… oh dear…

He actually had the nerve to say “thank god you don’t have all that much of a local accent” at one point… errrrr?!? What’s up with that, did he not consider his whinging was way more annoying? Turns out he didn’t even ride horses… more Tinder lies!

So we’re finally near the top of the hill a little bit lost and it’s starting to rain. He whips out some survival kit shelter thing, effectively an overpriced bag and we sit inside this and eat food. At least he’s not talking when he’s eating. Then he makes his move, I think hopefully if he doesn’t speak this will be worth while, it had been a few days… I put my hand over his mouth and tell him it turns me on… he keeps quiet I get what I was after… this was pretty fun, doing it on a mountain with a total stranger… lol. Then I notice… errr moobs… not just a bit wobbly but massive fuck off moobs!!! Oh no? 26 year old men I discover at this point is no guarantee of six pack… outdoorsy is not a guarantee of physical fitness, this guy clearly liked out door stuff because he sold it in a shop but probably didn’t really live the lifestyle.

Okay lesson learnt, don’t swipe on men on horseback, if they say they like outdoor stuff consider if it’s just because they sell climbing gear in a shop. Perhaps consider asking for a voice recording before considering a conversation in real person… too far? Hmm not sure. We return from the mountain after getting a bit lost. He blames me for not knowing my own mountain range. I don’t care I just want to get out of this stupid waterproof gear. I consider that 26 year olds are too young.

We get back to our cars, I say thanks and goodbye, he asks if he can stay the night, I say sorry I’ve got to get my daughter… I lied but no! No way!!! “I’ll text you” I say. He says “I’m an army cadet leader, I’m great with teanagers!” I consider this for five, a little stunned as to what to say. I mean was he really thinking he was going to meet her? What in the world did he think that meant? Was he thinking he could be a step dad??? What the hell?!? I graciously decline and say perhaps it’s a little soon, say thanks for the date and get into my car and go home, blocking his number the next day.

So the moral of the story…. men on horseback on Tinder, ask for proof of horse ownership, if he likes hiking, check he doesn’t just mean hiking gear. If you’re just looking for a night of passion go for the guys doing gym selfies. I never regret going on a date, it’s always a chance to find out about someone new, even if you find out it’s realy definitely not what you want!

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