I took the step I’ve been wanting to take but was way too scared to do for the last few months. Yesterday I stopped taking my Sertraline. I’m on day two and feeling strong and able to do this. I had planned to phase off but I’ve just stopped and feel good. I think they had become a habit when actually I’m better now, my mind is healed and my future is there right in front of me. I needed them when I had them, they gave the the ability to keep strong when the seas of my life got incredibly rough.
At the beginning of the year there was no way I could have done this. I’d actually self harmed because the feelings of no control over my life were overwhelming. I’ve been reading the book “The Secret” and really do believe that if I keep my mind focused and continue to strive for what I want, visualise myself getting it and being very grateful for it I’ll do it. So I’ve started to write down what I actually want out of my life. This may change but right now I know what I don’t want and that’s the past. By wallowing in the past and thinking I’m trapped I push myself back into it and that’s been my downfall for so many many years.
I had always felt guilty about the things I just couldn’t change when actually none of these things were my fault. My approach to breakups has changed. I’m not 100% over the one but I will be. And he’s not the one that got away, he’s just another one that wasn’t right for me and would have held me back because of his own fears of life.
I am no longer going to sit in my house and wonder what I could have been, I’m going to strive to be the person I want to be. Each step will be a small step towards my real happiness and no one will be able to take that away when I’m doing it for me because I’m not relying on anyone else to make it for me.
All good things end, and that’s okay. Books, films, relationships, childhoods, life, they all end and it’s that fear of that change and the events after the change that often hold us back.
Today I’ve reached some ends of my own. My reliance on antidepressants to boost my mood, I boosted my own today. My reliance on an unsuitable guy to make me feel loved, I’m loved anyway and the right person will find me if I just allow myself to be found. My need to starve myself to be thin, I’m going to eat properly and feed my body. The need for people I work with to tell me I’m good at what I do, my results will be the reassurance I need.
Today I’m visualising a girl who can fight her own battles, who’s a pillar of strength for those around her that need it. My inner Daenarys just got born and my dragons await. But life won’t be a battle, life will be a dream, my dream.
Here is what I see… the beautiful dreamer that the one was sat in his flat afraid to make his dreams come true so will be forever alone unless he changes. His inability to step up and make stuff happen dragged me down and stopped me believing in the dreams we had shared. My dreams stay the same in many ways but without a reliance on him to be in them. I’m happy on my own, being myself with no one to hold me back anymore. I will travel and see all the things I’ve wanted to see and I’m not afraid to do that alone. I will at some point make that change to work for myself when the time is right and the plans are in place. I will do everything I told myself I couldn’t and the right man when he appears will be there to cheer me on. In the mean time I’m filling my life with the things that I want, gym sessions, walks with my dogs, reading good books, making new friends, sharing with old friends and my life is only getting better.