The relief of not missing you

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When people first read this their initial thought is happily ever after, but actually for me it was the opposite. This was something I saw towards the end of the relationship with the guy we refer to as “the one” and struck a chord with me. In spite of my efforts to bridge the gap and see him regularly he was “too busy”, “working too hard”, feeling stressed etc. He’d gone into himself and would leave me with “soon” or “maybe” and kept me hanging there whilst my heart was slowly breaking. I trusted him, and know his reasons weren’t because he’d found someone else, he’s not that type of guy, he’s more they type that fears the gravity of commitment and so runs and hides. See this guy wanted to be single but have the comfort sometimes of someone there but could give nothing back.

For me this picture actually meant “I can’t wait till I’m properly over you” Not because I hated him or anything like that, more because I didn’t like the feeling of constantly being let down, feeling insecure like he was about to abandon me again as he had before. This time is less than a week on and I’m actually feeling okay. I think I managed to get the grief of it out quickly in the first couple of days and got to the point I am at now where I can look at things on the internet that remind me of him without feeling that sudden pang of heartache. Earlier scrolling though my Facebook feed I saw lots of little clips that normally one of us would have shared with the other and felt more a fondness about how I would have shared it with him or he would have sent it to me but there was no sudden panic that he was gone, or devastation as I’d felt so many times before. Perhaps I really am finally over him? I’m starting to feel as I do with my daughter’s dad, not really all that much anymore. The fear of losing him has gone and the fear of him coming back and hurting me all over again has also gone. At this moment I feel if he came back I’d most likely say no. I don’t think I’m willing to feel that amount of hurt again. Perhaps I’ve really actually learnt to value my needs above those of someone who doesn’t, let face it I’m not his mum so why was I giving love so unconditionally for him to take it as he pleased?

It’s not really a case that I don’t care about him, I’ll always care that he’s okay because he’s actually a nice person who is just a bit confused. I’m starting to feel if he does or has found someone else then that’s okay. There’s a slight tinge of “Please don’t hurt anyone else the way you’ve hurt me” but other than that I’m just not that bothered. I’m finally free of feeling like I need him. Perhaps it’ll all come crashing down tomorrow, but I really think it won’t.

So today I’m antidepressant free, I don’t think I need them anymore, I’m feeling good. Perhaps there’s a life lesson I’ve managed to learn here; when I met him I was lost, alone, severely depressed and struggling to find my identity. I’d not been myself for 15 years, if not longer. I had no idea how to be on my own, no idea who I was or what the hell I wanted in life. I was scared, I did not know how to be single, I hadn’t been single since I was 18. At that young age and earlier I had the misconception that you had to have a boyfriend otherwise you weren’t valued or lovable. The idea of being a single mother scared the hell out of me hence I never left my daughter’s dad, plus the fear of the unknown kept us stuck trying to make it work, I excused the misdemeanours and kept on trying. I really did believe that if I was single then I had failed. I think this comes from growing up and boys not finding me attractive. Or at least thinking that when I was growing up because boys never asked me out ever! I learn now that that’s because I was actually a bit scary, I was confident outwardly and also a bit of a tomboy so boys didn’t feel they could ask me out.

Isn’t it funny… I grew up thinking I couldn’t get a boyfriend so I stuck with with one even though we’d probably both fallen out of love because we were scared of being alone. Now… it didn’t work out with one I really did love, but I’m okay about it. I get asked out on a date most days by someone, what with messages from new work colleagues, men in the street approaching me, getting chatted up in coffee shops, it appears I can pick and choose something I never ever thought would happen to me. Although this time I’ve not actually met one I’d happily date and it’s okay, I’m doing just great on my own…

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