As a girl who always cuts herself down today I’ve started to try and be positive. I always believed second best was all I was really good for, I didn’t want to be second best it was just my way of protecting myself from the disappointment of being let down. Perhaps the crashing disappointment in myself for yet again not being good enough. Today I’m faking it to get to making it.
I overthink, that’s why I’m here, but writing this down stops me bursting after dwelling for such a long time. Sometimes the spoken word is too hard to speak, but the written word can be considered, formed, edited until the real self is realeased. Words spoken in angst never really relay the true feelings behind it but the writing can make the meaning that you didn’t quite know yourself come out.
Today I’m trying being thankful for whatever has come to pass and whatever is coming my way. My faith has never been in gods to carry me through, I carry myself through the path that the universe opens up for me little by little. Sometimes I don’t know where that path goes so I think of where I want it to go and it opens up that way.
In the past feeling second best made my path open up to reveal second best was my lot. Scared of getting hurt, abandoned you push away the good because losing it would hurt so you never get the good to heal the hurt and battered and bruised your heart carries on guarded, like the marathon runner with the sprained ankle trying to finish but no personal best.
Today will start my days of personal bests. The best I can be, my competition is me, my Yesterday self to push her forward to my better self. When I forget what the others do, I stop caring about comparing myself. Our downfall is always in comparing ourselves and betraying ourselves for not being as good, but we forget our background, our journey is different from theirs. Nobody tells you about the pain in getting there, they just tell you when they got there. That was the part none of the guys I’ve dated so far could understand. When other people hit a life event for some reason guys get insecure and either try to force that life even on you or run away because they don’t believe in their ability to get there.
My life is not about jumping through hoops anymore, it’s about following my heart, if the hoops are in my path I’ll jump for them but if not I can walk away. like when you play a computer game and have to collect the coins or gold hoops, I’m not Sonic the Hedgehog anymore. Because we need to stay focused on the end point the path, what we want to get to, collect the hoops on the way, ignore the ones that lead you down a well. It will be okay, it is okay have faith in yourself because you can do whatever you want when you decide it’s right for you.