Mr Elite

So I joined a new dating site apparently for elite people… it seems the clientele is perhaps more in my demographic than your typical Tinder guy although most of them seem to be miles away! I’m really not into this long distance thing.

Last night I had a date with my first match from the site, he lived in the next city and invited me to his where he would then take me out. This seemed fair and I guess gives me the chance to work out if this guy really is as Elite as the site says.

I turn up at his having driven through torrential rain, and arrive about an hour later. He’s watching darts, which he keeps on the TV as we’re sitting on his sofa having a beer and sort of talking but he seems a pretty closed book. He asks a fair few questions about me so I respond enthusiastically about my job blah blah.

I ask him what the plan is… jokingly… there was no plan, he’d wanted me to decide what to do in his city where he was apparently going to show me the bright lights of his domain. Hmmm so far he’s not scoring many points.

When I go on a date I always go dressed ready for action just in case, my nice pretty set from Boux Avenue and hold ups under my pencil skit… hope this wasn’t going to go to waste.

After about half an hour of slightly awkward conversation and me giggling to fill in the silence he moves in for the kiss. Pretty good, I bite him to see what his reaction is, it gets steamy… okay that’s better.

He leads me upstairs to his bedroom which is such a blokes bedroom lol! Bed in the corner, no attention to furniture placement although he’s lit candles already so this was clearly the plan… why didn’t he just say that?

I strip, he pulls of the underwear with no appreciation of the effort gone in, this guy is a little out of practice I think with girls like me. Him being recently divorced I wonder a little if it was like this with his wife. So we go for a bit of a marathon, me showing the benefit of my yoga moves and mess up the sheets. He’s pretty much silent but I think he likes it and he’s pretty good, the right amount of rough, gentle guys who just lie there bore me. Suddenly he pulls out shouting “Oh fuck!” Lots and really loudly, I think oh my god I’ve broken him? No it’s okay he’s just finishing, okay I get it he’s silent till that happens. Phew. I apologise tongue in cheek for making his bed a bit more broken, it was already a bit unstable, like doing it on some sort of moving platform. We get dressed again and go back downstairs, have another beer, watch more darts… he tells me most women don’t react like that and he’s gonna have to put in some serious work down the gym to keep up. Yes you are… I think perhaps watching species when I was younger was a bigger influence on me than I dare to admit.

20 minutes later we’re back up stairs, this time he wants to see my underwear, although it doesn’t stay on long lol! We’re back on the unsteady bed making enough noise to be heard probably down the street. To be fair this guy floats my boat. Although to be honest I still keep thinking about ‘the one’ nothing has ever compared to that guy. And this guy doesn’t seem to be able to banter or want to stay up late and watch films. I’m blatantly trying to find a replacement for something I’m missing just like I did with the ‘stand in’.

So we change the sheets, I double check it’s okay to stay, fully prepared to go stay in a hotel because well I’ve had a couple of beers, it’s a long way home and I’m not 100% sure what this guy had in mind.

He was expecting me to stay, phew that’s okay, I think. We go to bed to sleep this time. And actually I get a decent night’s sleep. Although his bed isn’t as comfortable as mine. I’m not really sure about this guy. So in the morning I say my goodbyes and head home. We’ll see how this one pans out. I think a lot about ‘the one’ when I’m driving home, I do actually miss him a lot. Although I don’t miss the frustration of him always being too busy to spend time with me, and not being able to get his act together. But on a human to human basic level I really don’t think there’s anyone else who fits with me as well as him.

We’ll see how it goes with Mr Elite, he’s more my age which I guess is good, he lives way too far away though and I’m really not sure a long distance relationship is something I want. He’s not really a Mr Grey despite his promises before hand although he has potential.

To be continued….

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When you know what you want but…

I think the older you get the pickier you get, or perhaps it’s more that you know what you want and realise you can afford to wait for it. Your standards get higher when you realise your worth. But it makes it that little bit harder when you meet someone new but they don’t quite tick all the boxes.

The worst is when they tick all the right boxes, the attraction is there, the personality matches yours, they seem so right but their lifestyle the practical stuff doesn’t quite meet yours and that makes you start to consider how much effort it’s worth.

A lot of men I meet who are my own age are either out of shape or just that little bit desperate. Perhaps I’m looking in the wrong places… younger men, match me in personality can keep up with me… I’m demanding… but lack that ability to commit, they have no idea what they’re doing with their life blah blah…

The problem, I find a guy who’s seemingly nice but he wants waaaaay too much too soon, they smother you, I need balance. I’m at a point in my life where I’m not willing to just play second fiddle to a guy’s ego, become his baby oven or pool my finances. Especially if he’s not going to take an interest in the stuff I like, it’s not hard to find something there, the list of likes for me is eclectic and long.

On the other hand, if we like the same music, want to travel, he’s either too insecure to accept that I can pay when he can’t, or scared of commitment because he doesn’t think he’s got enough to offer so runs before he’s dumped… comes back time and time again but just can’t stay… like trying to tame a very timid wild animal… thing is I don’t want them tame….

Why can’t I find a guy my age who is still in shape, not obsessed with owning me, or married already to someone he hates…

Or a slightly younger guy who doesn’t have what I’m starting to call “Millennial syndrome”, unable to communicate verbally, must be through texts, emojis and memes, not able to be responsible for the simple stuff that I at a very young age in comparison was. The Peter Pans of the dating world!

I don’t think I’m alone here. You’ve worked hard, raised kids, got a career, done a lot of it if not all yourself, you’ve become a queen with out needing a king. It takes one hell of a man to step up to be at the side of a queen who’s already got it covered and there’s not many men who can! They want a princess not a queen and I’ve graduated from that.

See, I don’t want some guy who’s just gonna do everything to please me, that would be a servant and it’s boring. I want a guy who’s gonna challenge me, but also not run off scared because my Queendom is too hard for him to conquer. In fact why the hell does he need to conquer me?

The worst thing is, I don’t play hard enough to get when I like a guy. It’s very easy to ignore the ones I don’t like, and then they think you’re playing games so try harder. When I like one I reply to texts too quick, I’m far too accommodating and take on the man’s role in the relationship because I’ve generally got all this shit covered and I’m used to it. I hate playing games. I think I’m just gonna have to learn to play them.

The backwards moral of the story here… ignore someone you really like, he’ll try a million times harder, do nothing for him. Sure laugh at his jokes etc. Go against all your feminist, equality beliefs and let the man pay! Okay offer to go halves, buy some drinks but seriously they have an issue if you pay for lunch… even when they’re skint!!?!

Chase the ones you really don’t like, they’ll happily slink off into the friend zone never to be heard from again.

Dating when you’ve got your life fully together and they haven’t difficulty score 11/10…

Design Decision Tarot

IMG_0554So as you’ve probably guessed by now I like a bit of spontaneity and get some new ideas all the time. Me and my best bestie from my old team often come up with some new ideas for businesses that might just work!

Today’s Idea….

Design Decision Tarot! How’s this gonna work? Well… let me explain… as a data architect I have to come up with a solution to a problem involving data… very often it’s a collaboration between me and some other architects such as solutions and infrastructure. Easy right? Most of the time no… not when the boys get all protective over their idea or miss stuff or forget to tell you something important. It can take forever!!!! And very often what you’re working with is pure intuition on what will work because you don’t know until you’ve tried it! Intuition you say… let’s take that idea and run with it… like so far that we just won a world record for sprinting the fuck away from the original plan. Yep been there. So I’m gonna start using the powers of the universe to help me make a design decision from now on. I’m gonna take along my trusty pack of tarot cards and it’s going to be as good as any in how I decide how the hell we fix this one hell of a fuck up of a bug, or poor legacy design that someone took and buggered to the ends of the earth till it broke baaaad.

Here’s what I’m gonna do;

1. Hand over my precious cards to the business owner and ask them to shuffle.

2. Lay out the designs we all came up with on the table in front of them.

3. Ask the person to deal 3 cards for each solution.

4. Interpret card 1 as background problem, 2 as implementation and 3 as final outcome

What could possibly go wrong?!?

So… here’s a quick over view of how it could pan out;

You got the Tower as Background, the Sun as Implementation and the Ace of Pentacles as your final outcome…. go with that one!!!! Seriously ignore anything else!!! You are fixing something that is totally fucked and delivering it will be a dream, the outcome will be awesome

You get the 10 of cups as back ground, the ten of Wands for implementation, and the 9 of swords as your final outcome… leave well alone, if it ain’t broke don’t fix it style because that’s gonna be a pain in the arse to implement and when you do you are gonna be fixing bug after bug and it’s gonna hurt.

Failing that you could always use the Ouija Board… this will tell you exactly which bit is buggered, be carful though, the spirit of an architect could be good or bad, if it starts at the moon drag your glass to goodbye immediately, no good can come of their input.

I’m going to try it… the others right now are stuck in a place of indecision and mutual suspicion of each other. Sometimes leaving your decision to the divine is the only choice you have because no one can make up their freakin’ mind! Or more often everyone made up their mind before we got into the 2 hours of some prick commandeering a white board and nothing getting solved, me wishing I had those 2 hours of my life back or failing that a button to push that either unleashes my pet dragons or opens up a trapdoor to hell or somewhere… either way, I’m not picky.

Tomorrow I’m taking my cards to the office… if it catches on I’m totally gonna run with it!!! I mean someone came up with scrum poker for sizing work… so why not Design Decision Tarot? The decision logs will be much simpler  to fill out, 3 columns one for each card and as most people prefer pictures the answer will speak for itself 5 years down the line when we’re trying to work out who in the world made that decision. Also it takes away the blame culture, if the universe advised it then there was a reason that we should not question.

I’ll let you know how it goes…

 

Sticky boob bras

IMG_0517We’ve all seen the online adds for these miraculous sticky bras that you do up at the front giving you instant amazing cleavage and no straps. Well this looks awesome I thought, finally no matter what your back size you can just buy one to cover your ahem… err lady lumps, pull the chord of awesome tuck and go! Riiight?!?

I’m sold! Where do I sign? I wanna get me one of those! So I click the link to go to the store and read the sizing instructions…. they have all the way up to the cup size below mine so feeling optimistic I pick black (of course) and buy myself the sticky bra of awesome that’s gonna solve all my strappy top summer nightmares and my every wish will come true!

I’m excited, I check my post box daily (I had to buy a metal one for outside my house because one of my dogs likes to eat the post, hilarious when it’s my ex’s important stuff 2 years on I still get that shit, baaaaaad when it’s my long awaited bad girls go to Valhalla Tshirt). It took forever to arrive! Like months… okay weeks but I hate waiting! I wanted to stick stuff to my boobs like the girl in the video and draw that chord of amazing so I could rock that strappy top!

Day 837 in the Du Moriet house… okay probably 33 but we talked about my inability to wait for anything just now. It arrives! My coveted sticky pads of boob busting are here! I take off my biker gear, run up stairs, unpack the package with the Chinese writing and postage stamps and behold! it’s here! Praise the gods and goddesses that may or may not exist! Life right now is the best thing since well whatever makes it the best, sliced bread or something.

I unpeel the sticky back stuff and position it in the right places and visualise the dream that will be me very shortly rocking out to music taking selfies like the girl on the advert! I CAN’T WAIT!!!!!

There’s special none sticky bits kinda in the middle so your nips don’t get all stuck so you know where they should go roughly…

I pull the chord, await the awesome and look in the mirror…. to my horror… under boob, side boob…over boob…. weird middle boob thing going on. This is not what I imagined. I unstick, reposition and try again…. worse! Okay… nope, move them down a bit, sticky mess now in all the wrong places… nope armpit boob going on there now… hmmmm….. I’m not sure these things are designed for women who are anything over a C cup… I look more uplifted without the damned thing on! The chord of awesomeness comes out of it’s pully thing as  try to get the stupid sticky thing off and I consider that I actually need a winch here not just a stupid bit of string.

Dammit! What to do now?!? This is clearly not for me… it will sit dismally in the drawer with many other impulse internet purchases that were supposed to make me look like the lady dancing around in the ads… the plastic bag that would make me have feet like and angel, the no heat hair curlers that gave me a 1970’s half Afro… perhaps I’ll try it again… the online shop people said I’d got it all wrong and sent me a how to video.

So pros… no straps… yay…

Cons… very very sticky, may well have been better off just using gaffa tape… tripe boob issues… dropped it on the floor now has some dog hair on it… gross. Rope not strong enough, needs to consider the stuff that climbers use if it’s to hold up anything a little more substantial. Also, I like to match… this is not really what you want to reveal when you take off your clothes… a bit like wearing Spanx… yeah… no…

Alternative uses I’m considering… knee pads, obviously take of the chord if you’re gonna do that… stick them to my butt so I can make like Kim K?

Verdict… perhaps not for me…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Roll those eyes beautiful…Meme time

Yep…

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Sorry neighbours…

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iPhone/android issues…

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Is it because I’m too picky…?

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Nope not too picky… Jean Luc knows the score…

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And…. there I go rolling my eyes again 🙄

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Too keen? I just don’t get these rules about texting/not texting…

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Tinder….

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You considered not blocking him didn’t you?

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Oh my god I get it! We’re both geeks! Stop doing that already!?!

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Should have got a job in marketing…

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I really don’t hate men, I’m just gonna aim higher this time

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Outdoor bore

IMG_0475In the spring of 2016 I had a very weird date. I swiped on a guy purely because in his profile photo he was riding a horse. I love horses! I think, no I know I swiped because of the horse and not the guy.

So after a couple of days chatting online we met. He drove over to see me from just over the border. He was an outdoor enthusiast and thought it would be cool to have a picnic up a nearby mountain that wasn’t actually a mountain more a very big hill. My friends thought I was mad but I’m kind of one of those girls that thinks what the hell, at least you’re not gonna bore me with yet another half arsed microwave meal in an overpriced gastro pub.

So I meet the guy in the car park (dodgey) at the bottom of this mountain (hill). To be honest thinking about it now we may as well have been attending a dogging meet… two cars pull up, two people get out… we’re going up a mountain… in the dark… yeah dodgey what was I doing?!?

He’d given me a lecture about having the right gear before hand, I turn up sexy underwear underneath… just in case… jeans, shirt and waterproof stuff to go over the top plus my signature Doctor Martens… I wear these everywhere. He sniffs at the Doc Martens, I don’t give a fuck. So we walk up the mountain, he’s clearly out of breath and perhaps not so outdoorsy as he made out, he was also 10 years younger than me and starting to bore me. Turns out he worked in a shop. Okay people work in shops that’s okay but this guy was just so bitter, slagging off customers and talking about people like they were shit. Slagging off his manager and then telling me about mummy and daddy paying his rent… oh dear…

He actually had the nerve to say “thank god you don’t have all that much of a local accent” at one point… errrrr?!? What’s up with that, did he not consider his whinging was way more annoying? Turns out he didn’t even ride horses… more Tinder lies!

So we’re finally near the top of the hill a little bit lost and it’s starting to rain. He whips out some survival kit shelter thing, effectively an overpriced bag and we sit inside this and eat food. At least he’s not talking when he’s eating. Then he makes his move, I think hopefully if he doesn’t speak this will be worth while, it had been a few days… I put my hand over his mouth and tell him it turns me on… he keeps quiet I get what I was after… this was pretty fun, doing it on a mountain with a total stranger… lol. Then I notice… errr moobs… not just a bit wobbly but massive fuck off moobs!!! Oh no? 26 year old men I discover at this point is no guarantee of six pack… outdoorsy is not a guarantee of physical fitness, this guy clearly liked out door stuff because he sold it in a shop but probably didn’t really live the lifestyle.

Okay lesson learnt, don’t swipe on men on horseback, if they say they like outdoor stuff consider if it’s just because they sell climbing gear in a shop. Perhaps consider asking for a voice recording before considering a conversation in real person… too far? Hmm not sure. We return from the mountain after getting a bit lost. He blames me for not knowing my own mountain range. I don’t care I just want to get out of this stupid waterproof gear. I consider that 26 year olds are too young.

We get back to our cars, I say thanks and goodbye, he asks if he can stay the night, I say sorry I’ve got to get my daughter… I lied but no! No way!!! “I’ll text you” I say. He says “I’m an army cadet leader, I’m great with teanagers!” I consider this for five, a little stunned as to what to say. I mean was he really thinking he was going to meet her? What in the world did he think that meant? Was he thinking he could be a step dad??? What the hell?!? I graciously decline and say perhaps it’s a little soon, say thanks for the date and get into my car and go home, blocking his number the next day.

So the moral of the story…. men on horseback on Tinder, ask for proof of horse ownership, if he likes hiking, check he doesn’t just mean hiking gear. If you’re just looking for a night of passion go for the guys doing gym selfies. I never regret going on a date, it’s always a chance to find out about someone new, even if you find out it’s realy definitely not what you want!

Same city different times

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It occurred to me today how many people we encounter on a day to day basis and yet how lonely you can feel in a crowded city surrounded by people. I take a break every morning when I’m at work and stand outside my office building that stands right opposite a bar where my last boyfriend frequents, and yet we will never bump into one another in spite of the close proximity of our two separate existences.

I not through choice but necessity awake during the day to go to work and carry out my various responsibilities before eventually hitting the hay for a few hours to repeat the next day. He is awake during the night because the business he chooses to run is predominantly carried out after office hours with people trying to make it to leave the 9-5 drag or people like him who have no real routine or perhaps even responsibilities in life other than perhaps feeding themselves and keeping a roof over their heads.

I used to feel envious of the freedoms they held but actually now I no longer am, the apparent freedom for many is a trap, they drag themselves down and each other with the notion of the struggling artist and the idea that one must have no ties to stop their creativity from happening.

Why can’t it be both? For me the romanticism of the struggling artist is just that, actually it doesn’t have to be that way at all. Why must success always be so painful? Do I really have to cut off my own ear and die poor for my art to be sold for millions hundreds of years after my death? My answer is no. Because what would be the point?

So here are my two sides of the city, the one’s who are working to achieve success and the one’s who are working to well… for what? Pain and suffering I guess. Is taking a good wage really selling out? Or is it actually accepting the value of your worth for the work that you do?

We all have to do the things we dislike sometimes in order to do the things we enjoy. Getting up for work in the morning is a daily struggle but I do it for the things that I can achieve by doing it. The joys of seeing my daughter smile, the joy of knowing the roof over my head is mine, the joy of simple things like planting flowers, reading books, seeing friends to go to a gig. All of which I would not be able to do were it not for the 35 hours a week I sacrifice. But then, is it really such a sacrifice when there are things I gain? The interactions with people I would never have met, the chance to learn something new and be part of something great.

When I told myself aged 18 I would never be able to work in an office I had a dismal view of the world of work, the idea of being free to be who I wanted to be, outside of the norm, but then I have never been a part of the norm.

So the two sides to the city, whilst I rest he works, whilst I work he rests but I gain from my day things that he could never understand. And no longer wish for the life of suffering, no longer see my choice as a sacrifice, more an enabler to do what I want, to become great in my fairy tail and rule my own kingdom. The only limits are those that I put in myself, I’m not tied, I can run if I wish, but for now I’ll stay. Running away doesn’t solve the problems you are running from. But staying and dealing and overcoming them makes your life that much richer.

The life I have I did not necessarily choose but then again perhaps I did, because I chose to succeed where others told me I couldn’t, I chose to work hard when others told me not to. At a young age I had two choices, suck it up and make your daughter proud or lie down and let others deal, I chose the former and have no regrets because everything I have I worked for, nothing was handed to me in a plate. My university fees I mostly paid myself, my house deposit provided by me, my car paid for by my own hard work. My future will be built by me. When I could not afford bread, I worked harder, when my flat was cold, I worked harder. Today I stand on my own two feet and I’m strong because of the lessons I leant, you can have whatever you want when you put your mind to it and work hard. Yes some get the help of inheritance or parental support to give them a start, that is great as long as they use that help to make themselves a success and show that a wise investment was made. This is why I have no guilty feelings when I invest in myself. You cannot be strong for others if you haven’t. My life was not created for me to suffer for some art that may never be discovered, and nor was anyone else’s. Find something each day that makes you love what you do. And never wish for the life of another without fully understanding the implications of that. There is no honour in martyrdom, but there is honour in gratitude for what you have and the talents you have gained in getting there. Enjoy your life and everything it brings, the challenges are just that, don’t give up on your dreams or limit yourself to the views of others, it’s your story to write make it a good one.