And then you go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like vote Brexit…

The conversation that confirmed it was never going to work…

I was still seeing the Sad Mechanic, and was over him before it had really started but couldn’t seem to shake him off. There were moments where he could be sweet, he talked about loving me, and yet it was so empty, I don’t think I really had feelings for him. Looking back a long way on I realise now he was so similar to my daughters dad. He played the mind games that I’d become accustomed to, going silent and ignoring me till I begged to know what I’d done to upset him. I never did find out. Accusations of seeing other people, all the time. And the constant comments about my house being unclean, my clothes too scruffy, the things that made me feel like crap but also made me militant in my need to stand up for myself. Not that I really did. I reverted to type, it was going to take a bit more therapy to realise his behaviour was wrong and be able to stand up and walk away properly. These guys get you with guilt. They don’t believe deep down they are worthy of you (they’re not) so to bring you down to their level they chip away at you, gaslighting, starting arguments, then showing you off to their friends as long as you behave as they had trained you to… so you start to believe you were always in the wrong. Really you just fell for more tricks. This guy was constantly moaning that he was a failure, in fact I actually think he was. Here was a guy with everything, parents to bail him out, living at their farm, eating whatever they bought, never having really looked after himself. But his failure was actually his own making, he was so arrogant, always right. I remember the day he went nuts in front of everyone because his sister had used his boots to go feed her horse. It was totally disproportionate and I felt awkward and left pretty quick.

The conversation that ended it, with The in/out vote looming and this guy so pompous in how right he was about everything started talking about how Maggie Thatcher was the best Priminister ever and the Tories were the best thing to happen to the UK. It put me on edge, I’d grown up in the 80’s with my parents working hard but struggling, my dad a teacher and my whole family from industrial backgrounds, Tories for me were just unacceptable, there was no way I could ever vote Tory. And so he started to talk about voting out of Europe, that it was the only way. I disagreed and put across my points. He gave me a lecture about how little I knew and actually said that women like me were so jaded, we shouldn’t be allowed to vote. The conversation made me realise that if I stuck with this guy, I’d be as unhappy as I had been before. He was just a younger version of my daughter’s dad. Who incidentally had also been very into politics and incredibly forceful in his views. The Brexit conversation ended it for me there and then, like a wake up call. It would take me a further 2 weeks to actually pluck up the courage to end it, and he didn’t take it well. But getting that one out of my life was a relief he was not the guy he sold himself as, he was looking for someone to validate his bad behaviour and treat him like a god. I’m not into monotheistic religion luckily so saw that shit coming and did what I should have the first time he went cold on me and cut him out for good.


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