It’s amazing how a quick swipe right can change your life to the point that you can’t remember the life before. I didn’t think you’d turn up, our first date was impulsive, last minute with a sense of urgency, something told me I had to meet you and couldn’t wait around for getting to know you online. I don’t know why. I’d used that app two weeks before, lost and lonely and I know we matched then too, but I was too scared of my future that that point and deleted my profile without a second thought. It didn’t dawn on me that we’d matched before when we matched for real that first time.
You were late, I was early, it was late, I had never done this before, you were my first real date. As we talked and discovered we were two people identical in so many ways I worried about the complications that my former life brought and if you would stay or run.
The feelings, they happened so quick, I didn’t have time to understand and then life got complicated and you got distant and so we split. I was too insecure, I needed help and so I got help. Each day thinking you were gone from my life I missed you, your place in my heart was there forever and I couldn’t erase you, I tried but I couldn’t. As my friends said you were silly and I laughed and said you were not for me “onwards and upwards”, made excuses for why it was never going to happen, inside I disagreed, my friends knew this too, I can never hide my emotions.
So I dated, carried on, met people who just weren’t you, hurt each time because it felt like I was cheating somehow I guess the heart never lies no matter how hard you try to lie to yourself, logic for the logical girl like me couldn’t undo the feelings, feelings just aren’t logic. When you invited me over that first time, a month after we split, on my way home from work, I had changed, was more relaxed, I told you I was good. I went to show myself that I only missed you because I wanted what I couldn’t have and when I saw you it would be different. I had a boyfriend, this would be closure. But it wasn’t, we spoke, we kissed we… but I was to leave and not see you for a while, although my messages probably pleading that we try probably pushed you away further.
We both said we had no one special that day, you laughed I’d tried dating again, you didn’t seem jealous, were you? I was. But then I think, the “no-one special” in my life that day, was he the same as the “no-one special” in your life too? Just a gap filler to mask the pain of never having you in my life again and the dreams so vivid that were lost replaced with dreams of grey, except for the ones with you that came in my slumber when I needed you most. when I told you I missed the dreams we had that others would think were silly but meant so much to me of rescuing sloths, owning a zoo and travelling the world and you told me I was free to make new, better dreams with someone who could look after me, I screamed inside because you just couldn’t see that I didn’t want any dreams if they weren’t with you. Even in the dreams of my own accomplishments you would be there in my life in spirit.
Each time I saw you in the time in between it felt like it was right, it didn’t feel like cheating, I couldn’t settle for anyone else, I didn’t want anyone else, everyone else felt like cheating on you. And then you came back, me in a relationship that was not going to happen, with the cheap replacement that had at first seemed like an older version of you, a person I should be with, everyone told me so for the sake of my family life, the “Step-in-dad” that would fill the gaps for my child. They were wrong, that’s not what we needed. And I ended it to be with you because you were what I wanted. With my child’s encouragement because she knows that I am happy when you are in my life.
As we lay in my bed and I held you through your pain and you opened up to me about life in ways you had kept secret from me before, I felt so honoured that you had been able to share with me the things that were going through your head. I only hoped my reassurance helped, that you would see the man I see when I look at you because that man is wonderful in every single way.
In my distressing months with my career feeling so much in limbo you helped me hold it together, mostly from afar but that’s what I needed. You were my rock even though you have absolutely no idea because you still don’t believe in the man that I see. As we cried on the plane, holding hands because you had set me free on our last day in Rome I couldn’t hate you because I knew that your reasons were unselfish and you cared, but didn’t believe in the man that I see. I loved you more, your actions showed me that you were so far from the narcissistic man you joked that you were, your self deprecating image of yourself that was so far from the truth if you could only just see. That kiss in the car outside your place, that I thought would be our very last, I told myself would be our very last kiss, I didn’t want to believe would be our very last kiss. I felt the pain in you as you told yourself you were doing the right thing. You had said if your life was not such a mess you would be with me forever and it was your fault not mine, I hated that you felt that way about yourself, if you could only see what I saw instead.
The two weeks without you, thinking you were really gone, I read tarot after tarot that told me you were not, but had been disappointed before and so in despair I resigned myself to no more love. I just couldn’t do it, I wanted it but only with you, the physical distractions that I had taken solace in the last time didn’t interest me and the idea of anyone else distressed me further, so I hoped and asked the universe to help me find my way and it led me back to you.
So here we are again, I have thrown away ideas of make or break, I realise now it’s not logical and logic won’t solve the mysteries of intuition. The lifescape ahead will get rough sometimes but if there is any certainty in my life that certainty is you. I don’t know if we’ll ever be together in the way that others are, but I’m okay with that because what I have with you is what I need. I never dared to believe in soul mates before because the disappointment in spending my life without ever meeting mine in the life I had before you was too painful to acknowledge. Now that we have, it feels like there was never a time when we weren’t together somehow, it’s just that we hadn’t found each other till the fateful day that we both swiped right.
When I take away the worry of losing you again I feel free because I know that no matter what happens, the universe will always lead me straight back to you.